“im having one more kid in the hope I have a girl”

I feel this too. Especially after losses.

I have a MUCH closer bond with my boy than my girl.

All the time he was little we had a next door neighbour who used to bang on about how glad she had a daughter beause girls are more loving.

It's just not true. They're children. My son was the cuddliest, most loving child you could wish to meet. As an 18 year old he's still pretty special.

His sister is great too, in her own way but she's not like her brother for the mama love just yet, maybe her time will come and I very much hope it does.

I think the major problem here is gendered expectations of how our offspring will be. They come as little personalities not as a set of stereotypes, well at least that's my opinion on it. !

I think people are entitled to their feelings but feelings like that should be discussed privately with your best friend or a therapist not openly in front of your other children. I had a friend tell me she wouldn't have another child because she only wanted a girl, in front of her son and my boys. And people say things to my daughter like "you have a house full of smelly boys" or "poor DD" when she had another brother, I always say "actually she loves her brothers" because why do people think they can talk like that in front of my very much loved children.

Because creating a human being isn't the same as taking a gamble in the casino.

Also, I find the idea of a child bringing 'joy and happiness' simply because of their gender, to be rather troublesome. Are the already existing children of the 'wrong' gender not 'desperately, desperately wanted'? Do they not bring 'joy and happiness' due to their not being the 'right' gender'?

I think someone so 'desperate' for a child of one gender should examine their own reasoning rather than create a whole new person who may be a great disappointment because they are the 'wrong' gender.

It honestly didn't work like that for me. As I said for my dad's family (probably for him but he'd never have said it) I was a disappointment as I wasn't a boy. For my mother I was terrible news as she found out she was having me when she had a six month old. They didn't have a house, we lived with gran and my mum, dad, sister and I shared a room.

I always felt loved, particularly by my dad. I was given the feminine version of his name and I felt it was something really special we shared. I definitely wasn't a scapegoat or whipping girl. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but that isn't a definite outcome.

My dad died when I was a child and here I am 60 years after his death and still missing him.

I wouldn't do this incase you got another of the gender you didn't want. Too risky!

An unwanted child knows it's unwanted. They tend to become the family scapegoat and whipping boy / girl .

It's surprising parents think it is possible to hide gender disappointment from their children. "If it's not voiced or talked about, they won't know" - but of course they probably do, children know lots of stuff they aren't told. They will pick it up even pre-verbally.

That's why it is so important to be honest with yourself if affects you. Until you can acknowledge the feelings + start to own it in yourself and talk about/work through difficult feelings, it will be harder to mitigate any effects on your children.

It is very common. But it is also still quite taboo.

YANBU. It's objectification, commodification, sexism, gender stereotyping.

And we wonder why boys are brought up so poorly.

A baby is an individual.

I wasn't judging her on doing IVF, I was judging her ridiculous reaction that her supposedly longed-for baby didn't have the right genitals for her.

What I also notice, living in a diverse country atm, is that my algorithm shows me pregnancy videos on ‘gender swaying’ and all the videos for Indians are on conceiving boys and all the videos for Westerners are on conceiving girls. Huge cultural divide here too

It's horrible, but the problem in China was also the old one-child policy.
And then you have countries where sons will financially support their parents whereas daughters won't. If there's no welfare state, you can't really blame people in that situation for wanting a son.

Jokes on them, the countryside is full
of men who will never be able to get married. That is absolute calamity for a rural Chinese family. Especially as the bride prices have gone up, there is now money to be made with daughters (as gross as this is to mention, but it’s a very real thing among rural families)

What I really. Hate is countries, usually places like China etc where having a girl is still perceived a second best and girls are still left to die in rural areas. Years ago I saw a programme called ‘the dying rooms’ with rooms filled with baby girls literally left to die. Ok attitudes have changed, but there are still countries where girls are not so valued.

I have four boys and a girl and, due to their birth order, most people think we kept trying for a girl…but we didn’t!

I had two DS from a previous relationship when I met my DH (who had no children of his own but had always wanted them). I wasn’t keen on having more but we decided to have one who turned out to be twin DSs. We decided to have one more and were honestly expecting to have another little boy, we even had a name picked out! We were extremely surprised to find out we were expecting a little girl.

However, the comments started almost as soon as we shared the news.

Ahhh you got your girl at last! Oh I bet DH is pleased - he will have a Daddy’s girl! You’ve waited such a long time for her, I’m so pleased for you.

It seemed that nobody realised or cared that we weren’t bothered about her sex at all, we hadn’t been ‘trying’ for her to be a girl, she wasn’t long awaited or even dreamt about. All we wanted was for her to be healthy.

As it is, she is an amazing young person, just like her brothers, I’m very proud of them all.

I had a friend in my teens who was fifth girl in her family. Her father desperately wanted a boy and kept trying and pushing his wife until he got the son. It was sixth child. Her mother didn't want that but she was financially dependent on him so did it to keep the family.

By the time I met my friend she was 18, and her brother was 10-11. I remember her saying how her parents (even her mother) doted on the boy and couldn't care less about the girls once the boy was there. He was the golden child and everything was about him.

So everytime I see a thread about gender disappointment I think this is the way golden children are created. I know it's not the same with everybody but me being 45 I have seen this plenty. It is great if parents can hide they had a preference and manage to treat their children the same, but usually they don't and are the last to admit it.

Growing up I always dreamed of having 2 of each and it's what I got. I still thank my lucky stars each day.

I definitely don't think that wanting at least one of each is a new phenomenon. I remember growing up all these families with 3/4 of the same gender trying for the opposite. Families were bigger back then so it seems most eventually got what they desired. You would hear the odd story of the family with 6 boys or girls but it was very rare. I do feel for those with disappointment, it's a real feeling and definitely not something you can just suppress.

My second cousin did this. Four boys before she got her girl. And then of course said girl had no truck with the dolls and dresses her mother had spent the past decade accumulating. She just wanted to be like her brothers.

Have you done IVF? The whole thing is a rollercoaster of things you can’t control, it’s shit and you being VERY unkind being so judgemental.

This, that's all that matters surely.
To those who want a girl?
If you could have a boy born ok with no problems, or a girl born with serious health issues what would you rather?
Surprised people can't see it. Its strange.

Agree with this 100%

4 children, boy, girl and then 2 girls, I understand why people want one of each, people dont normally admit to it irl. Friend in work had 2 boys and used to always say to me, I couldn't be doing with girls, they can be so devious, and me sitting there with my lovely girl at home, she had horrific pregnancies and said she was done, then got pregnant and lo and behold has the girl who is the best ever, our conversation about devious girls completely forgotten, people are mad!!

I had no preference whatsoever when I was struggling to conceive. A healthy child was all I wanted.

I pushed back very hard on suggestions that we’d be pleased if DC2 was a girl. I left no one in any doubt that if there was any expression of disappointment if baby was another boy they would not be seeing much of him. All delivered with smiles - but they knew I was serious.

No child deserves to be a disappointment, no matter how briefly.

@Greycarpet

When I had second, I assumed it would be another boy becaise no girls had been born into my husbakds family for over a hundred years

I think I read about you in the Metro. 😀