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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is neglectful?

232 replies

newtothis0 · 03/12/2024 22:26

DP has two young girls with his ex whom he sees for one day/night at the weekend. He always takes them to do something fun and therefore baths them in the evening to make sure they go home clean so as not to get an earful from their mum.

Neither of these girls have had their hair cut, ever. It is pretty much down to their lower back and despite copious amounts of conditioner, masks, leave in products, etc, their hair gets so matted because the ends are broken and frayed. It takes 30 minutes or so each to detangle their hair without hurting them.

Their mum will outright refuse to allow their hair to be cut (she has very long hair herself) and for reasons I won't elaborate on here, DP is not prepared to go against her wishes, which I understand. However, AIBU to think that she is verging on neglect by allowing their hair to reach such a poor condition for the sake of vanity?

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 03/12/2024 22:59

YABU

The child with sensory issues that doesn't like their hair getting washed and brushed, could very well be autistic and autistic children are known to be active sleepers which contributes to tatty hair. I think you need to show compassion here rather than judgement. It's easy to criticise when you're just a very part-time Disney step parent.

I have experience of an autistic child who thrashes around so much in her sleep that hair brushing is a nightmare for everyone concerned. I'd be extremely annoyed if some busy body accused me of neglect over it.

My youngest child 9yrs old has never ever had her hair cut. Nothing neglectful about not having hair cut.

You do not come across well in your comments. Save your judgements and try to be supportive and compassionate towards their mother who is a full-time parent with sensory issues on top to deal with.

Original poster
newtothis0 · 03/12/2024 22:56

SensitivePetal · 03/12/2024 22:46

One night a week? That’s really bad.

You lose all right to have views on stuff like appearence, cleanliness and hygiene if you minimally parent your children.

It will be extremely annoying to the mum in this case to have her ex braying on about hair if he isn’t up for 50/50 care.

Some children with sensory issues have absolute meltdowns over haircuts whether done at home or in the salon.

Honestly, you really have no idea. If it were up to her, he wouldn't be involved at all out of sheer spite. These children have so far been used as weapons against him.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 03/12/2024 22:55

newtothis0 · 03/12/2024 22:54

It is not amicable, let's put it that way. Proceedings are ongoing but it's a slow process.

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That's tricky 😳 I would tread very carefully until court proceedings are over.

Original poster
newtothis0 · 03/12/2024 22:54

Noseybookworm · 03/12/2024 22:45

Could your partner apply for 50/50 shared care? He would surely then have more say in their day to day care.

It is not amicable, let's put it that way. Proceedings are ongoing but it's a slow process.

OP posts:
AnotherDayComeMonday · 03/12/2024 22:51

newtothis0 · 03/12/2024 22:46

Hair condition is multi-faceted; they have slightly textured hair, their diet is generally poor and lacking, and there was reportedly never any focus on caring for the fact their hair was long.

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And knowing their diet is generally poor and lacking he doesn't try for 50/50 custody for what reason?

TY78910 · 03/12/2024 22:51

TotHappy · 03/12/2024 22:35

My daughter's never had her hair cut, she's 8. She likes it long, I like it long. We just brush it till its smooth. If it's regularly brushed, I don't know how your DPs daughter's are getting so matted?

Same here. DD is 4. We both have very long hair - everyone comments how she has 'hair goals' and they are not matted nor damaged ('virgin hair' wouldn't damage unless heat is applied).

Sounds like they don't brush hair regularly maybe because of the sensory issues OP mentioned

Original poster
newtothis0 · 03/12/2024 22:50

Pandasnacks · 03/12/2024 22:40

Is there a reason your DH doesn't spend more time with his children? If he did he'd have more say over matters like this

Yes, entirely related to the reason he's not going against her wishes and getting their hair cut without her agreement.

OP posts:
Pandasnacks · 03/12/2024 22:50

OP can you answer about why he doesn't have the children more? Especially as he thinks they are being neglected. It's odd that she's obsessed with cleanliness but doesn't care for their hair

AnotherDayComeMonday · 03/12/2024 22:48

Are they coming to your house with matted hair OP, yet the DM expects the DC to be bathed before they go home to her? Your DP had his DC one night a week, how often is this issue happening?

babyproblems · 03/12/2024 22:48

Can you put their hair in a plait or french plait so it doesn’t get knotted? Satin pillowcases also might help them keep it less knotted.

SensitivePetal · 03/12/2024 22:48

*parented

Original poster
newtothis0 · 03/12/2024 22:48

Sometimeswinning · 03/12/2024 22:36

I think your dp needs to step up massively. No excuses, no reasons I can’t go into rubbish. They are both leaving this and not doing anything about it. If she’s neglectful so is your partner.

It's really not that simple; there will be significant repercussions if he were to purposely go behind her back to get it done. They're not even allowed to get their clothes dirty.

OP posts:
SensitivePetal · 03/12/2024 22:48

newtothis0 · 03/12/2024 22:46

Hair condition is multi-faceted; they have slightly textured hair, their diet is generally poor and lacking, and there was reportedly never any focus on caring for the fact their hair was long.

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Ok so the hair is a distraction. Your husband thinks they aren’t being adequately patented by the mum. Is he going to court to get a lives with order?

SensitivePetal · 03/12/2024 22:46

One night a week? That’s really bad.

You lose all right to have views on stuff like appearence, cleanliness and hygiene if you minimally parent your children.

It will be extremely annoying to the mum in this case to have her ex braying on about hair if he isn’t up for 50/50 care.

Some children with sensory issues have absolute meltdowns over haircuts whether done at home or in the salon.

Original poster
newtothis0 · 03/12/2024 22:46

TotHappy · 03/12/2024 22:35

My daughter's never had her hair cut, she's 8. She likes it long, I like it long. We just brush it till its smooth. If it's regularly brushed, I don't know how your DPs daughter's are getting so matted?

Hair condition is multi-faceted; they have slightly textured hair, their diet is generally poor and lacking, and there was reportedly never any focus on caring for the fact their hair was long.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 03/12/2024 22:45

No need to wash the hair as the mother is dictating the length. Let her do the shampoo and combing through.

Noseybookworm · 03/12/2024 22:45

Could your partner apply for 50/50 shared care? He would surely then have more say in their day to day care.

Original poster
newtothis0 · 03/12/2024 22:42

ArgosOrArgoose · 03/12/2024 22:34

Has the mother got any religious beliefs surrounding hair??
Its very sad for the children but if it is clean and nit free, I don’t think it would be classed as neglect unless it cause them harm??

Not religious, no. Her grandparents were of a particular culture, but her parents are not and neither is she. The tradition has passed down, however.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 03/12/2024 22:42

If the 4 year old has sensory issues and hair washing is difficult I can imagine a haircut would be even worse.

That sort of age is very difficult with haircuts and some children do refuse/have tantrums etc in hairdresser situations.

It's likely if he tried to get it cut there would be bigger problems.

NameChange374 · 03/12/2024 22:40

Do the girls themselves want their hair cut?

Pandasnacks · 03/12/2024 22:40

Is there a reason your DH doesn't spend more time with his children? If he did he'd have more say over matters like this

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 03/12/2024 22:40

Does their hair get brushed during the week? The matting could be due to the condition but also could simply be hair type. My daughter's is thick but fine at the same time, it knots very easily at the back and it doesn't take long before there's a problem. I have her for half the week so it can get really knotted before I can sort it. I section it, use enormous amounts of conditioner and comb, comb, comb.
I think it is neglectful. I wouldn't make it about the hair length, that seems a slightly adjacent issue. If their mum is not brushing it twice daily and using leave in conditioner, putting into plaits etc, then it will end up matted.

sprigatito · 03/12/2024 22:39

I think your dp should just take them both for a haircut tbh, whatever the reason for his reluctance it shouldn't trump his children's welfare. It's downright cruel to subject a child with sensory sensitivities to pain and distress every day when it's so easily avoidable.

Original poster
newtothis0 · 03/12/2024 22:38

strawberryblue · 03/12/2024 22:32

No advice OP very strange behaviour from mum.

I'm sure he has tried it all but the childs farm deranging spray is really good. Also having the correct brushes etc.

I've bought some salon quality products to try and improve the condition of their hair even, unfortunately it seems unsalvagable.

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 03/12/2024 22:36

I think your dp needs to step up massively. No excuses, no reasons I can’t go into rubbish. They are both leaving this and not doing anything about it. If she’s neglectful so is your partner.