To think this is neglectful?

My mother preferred short hair because it was less bother - really didn't suit me though. I remember friend at (secondary) school celebrating with me when I was finally able to grow it longer.

This is no way can be described as neglect. My daughter is 6 and has never had her hair cut. I have occasionally taken off the very very ends of her hair if it’s in a plait, but it’s not noticeable. If I parented 6 days a week and my ex parented 1 day a week and cut their hair, I would be furious.

Loads of conditioner, rinse, I used hair oil on my daughters hair, detangling wet brush and it takes 20 mins or so.

From 2023, so I hardly think it's "outdated shit" as you so eloquently put it. Besides, because your Autistic twins don't thrash about in their sleep, it means it doesn't happen to others? Goodness, I must be imagining my autistic almost teenage child thrashing about like a shark every single night since she was little 🙄

Autism and Sleep Issues | Sleep Foundation

So there is a cultural aspect there.
YABU, my hair is very thick and wavy. I wash it every day and it matts and takes at least 30 minutes to detangle, regardless of the length.

It’s not really any of your business and you’re really grasping at straws calling this neglect.

Id never had a hair cut until my step mum took me when I was aged 9 - went from below my waist to my shoulders. I saw my dad about 39 days of the year. You can imagine the response when I went home with less then half the hair I originally had. It was much easier to maintain. Not sure if dad can do this.

Fair enough. The OP didn't mention autism so I can't say whether that's an issue here or not.

autistic children are known to be active sleepers which contributes to tatty hair

What a load of fucking outdated shit: I've got Autistic twins, neither of whom are 'active sleepers'.

Sheets matt hair. Go cotton.

You won't want to hear it, but you're too involved.
For whatever reason they are both agreeing to not cut the girls hair. You need to just stay out of it really, it's between the parents. The more you get involved the more you will only make trouble for yourself in the long run.

You obviously want to support your partner, but challenging his ex on these things isn't the way to do that. You need to allow your partner to handle this situation his way and support him in the choices he makes when it comes to their daughters. Anything else will just cause endless drama.

Could it be she doesn't have time that morning? My DC's hair can get tangled overnight if not plaited before bed. She may just be trying to get them out of the door.

Not getting hair cut is not neglect, it's a request from their DM that isn't too unusual. It being in a tangled mess the majority of the time could be a potential sign of neglect. Surely the school could listen to those concerns, the kids may be presentable at school. Their hair may have been something he used to do when he'd send them back home to her so she stopped giving him the same grace and left it as his problem, on his time. Perhaps she wants a break from it that 1 day a week. Not ideal at all but is there more to this?

To put it into context, I have one DC who hates having their hair washed, we do it regularly and keep it styled. That DC will not allow anyone to cut it. I have to snip it slowly whilst they're busy to get it done, sometimes over hours or a few days. Otherwise, the meltdowns and distress is awful. Their DM may not be seeing the bigger picture and think not cutting it is 1 less distressing experience.

The dirty clothes shouldn't be an issue, it may have come from dad not being careful with their clothes and her not being able to afford replacements. I'd be annoyed if my clothes kept coming back stained as the primary parent. A PP has a wonderful suggestion of keeping dad clothes on when they're with him and keeping her clothes to go home in so they're clean.

@newtothis0 I'm curious, how long have you been with your DP and did the custody issues start before or after you were around? Have you ever read any court docs or messages between your DP and his ex? At lot of partners will say ex is being unfair and doesn't want them to have time with the kids but perhaps he's been inadequate in the past or there is history you have not been privy to. It seems like these things may be being pulled out as "gotcha" issues to hold against the primary parent who may be dropping the ball slightly.

I know people are saying it's not your business but I think it really is your business. It's causing unnecessary suffering and pain to these girls and I think any adult who cares about their welfare would want to raise concerns. If the parents won't listen then it needs to be raised to a safeguarding lead, like at their school or doctors who can take the appropriate steps to determine what sort of involvement, if any, it needs. It can be their call, but get it on their radar.

I was of the mind when I first started writing this that it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission but I have taken pause and think that one or both parents would consider that an assault so I think it's best for some sort of authority to explain that this isn't just neglect in terms of hygiene and proper hair care but it's pretty much the intentional infliction of pain on children.

You sound lovely OP, and child welfare should come first in any relationship.

If you use a wide comb after conditioner is put it it really helps the tangles come out easier and less pain. My daughter has very curly hair and this worked for us. Also a couple drops of tree tea oil help keep away nits because if the kids get them you can catch them too. I don't know if you can find it in your area but a product called knotts on your life has been helpful.

Not saying it's neglect or not. I don't know where the threshold lies. But it's an issue with a simple solution, you get it cut short or even shorn off if you can't cope with it. I say this as someone with curly, mattable, tangly hair who keeps it to shoulder length, sleeps on satin pillowcases to manage it, uses a load of products on it and can only comb it when wet, never use a brush.

She can get it sorted out. It's the fact that she isn't doing anything to sort it which makes me think it's sad. Matted hair could cause the kids at school to mock the girls and bullying is right up near the top when it comes to Adverse Childhood Experiences.

The RSPCA consider letting an animals fur get matted in extremis to be a form of ill treatment. I don't see why kids have to endure painful knots in their hair because mummy can't be bothered with the hairdresser.

The culture thing I don't buy. Some cultures practice terrible things like bull fighting or forced marriage. She is in Britain and needs to act like it .

The sensory issues might be a simple vicious cycle - I'd have an aversion to having my hair washed or brushed too if it was an absolute trial every time!

I had long hair (down to my bum) throughout childhood, but I always had regular trims too. Kids in my class who bragged 'I've never had a haircut' always had straggly ends that looked like, as my grandmother would say, 'rats have been chewing them', it's not a badge of honour to never cut your hair

Are both children in school? I'm surprised the teachers haven't picked up on this. It's going to be an absolute nightmare if they get nits. I'd be checking for that every time they came.

Just put their hair in a ponytail without brushing. Don’t wash their hair, just leave it for their mum to deal with.

That's a difficult one, as my autistic child absolutely will not allow me to cut her hair. She has had two hair cuts in her whole life and she's almost a teenager now. Last hair cut didn't make a difference as she'd only let me snip 2" off.

Life would be so much easier if I could take 9 inches off it as a minimum but she's having none of it.

I don't have any problems with my youngest's hair, hers has never been cut but she doesn't move in her sleep and never gets tats.

If I were your partner I wouldn't allow my children to suffer. So if its really as bad as you say, he should photograph the matts then cut their hair. If there are 'repercussions' that he fears will harm his children he needs to raise a safeguarding concern. If its repercussions that will effect his contact then he needs to be assertive in fighting it through legal channels. The photographs of hair so bad the children are suffering neglect should help him.

There can't possibly be a back story which answers why your DP would be stopped from having contact with his children for having their hair cut. You say that there are live proceedings so your DP has the perfect opportunity to alleviate his purported concerns about neglect whilst the case is in the court arena.

It really does depend on the hair type, my daughter has long hair, mid back, ends trimmed once a year but it is a real pain to comb through after washing.

I have longer finer hair and a Tangle Teezer brush has been a god send for knots or matts. Plaits? Aussie 3 minute miracle which makes hair softer and easier to deal with, as it is only once a week. Wide toothed comb? If hair tends to frizz..frizz ease by John Frieda is really good. Only things I can think of if you cannot cut it.

Wash their hair on arrival leave in conditioner detangler comb, I have difficult hair. Once knots are out get their hair in neat plaits. If it’s not being looked after properly at home or washed the plaits will help for a couple of days at least.

also don’t worry if they aren’t allowed to get their clothes dirty they also change into at dads house clothes on arrival and can get as dirty as they please.

Your title was “To think this is neglectful??”
No, it is not.

Is its really for vanity reason? Maybe there us cultural or religion belief that you dont know about? Its really strange if its because vanity reasons

This is a tricky one but I don't think the fact the hair is matted or unkept is necessarily unusual. Children's hair - depending on hair type - can be quite difficult to maintain sometimes. Sometimes the child - as you say - has sensory issues or sometimes the are wriggly. Sometimes there is a lack of time.
Mum here is for all intents and purposes a single mother. She will be cooking, cleaning, doing everything for these (well cared for) girls all week. If you find it cumbersome or labour intensive doing the girls hair once a week, how do you think she feels? To answer your question this does not sound like neglect. Do you understand what it means for a child to be neglected?