To think this is neglectful?

My girls have fine hair, they had trims regularly when younger and it was still a slog to get through their matted hair daily, bath times consisted of hair masks, leave in conditioners, detangle sprays and lots of brushing but it still got matted unless I cut their hair to shoulder length, which they didn't like. They're 13 now and daughter with asd has her hair trimmed, but it still gets matted daily. Daughter who doesn't have asd but does have some sensory issues, now has very long hair and refuses to have it trimmed and it still gets matted, less so then her twins hair whose is trimmed regularly, weirdly enough.
They have the same hair type as me, mine is trimmed every 6-8 weeks and also gets matted easily.
Some people just have that hair type, no matter what you do to try to improve it.

I think it's a bit far fetched to say their mother is being neglectful unless she's not washing or brushing it at all.

Your husband should invest in a good children's hair detangler from the hairdressr - it's a bit like conditioner.
He should wash the girls' hair when they arrive and completely detangle (it will take a while with a wide comb).
Then he should plait the girls' hair either side and then roll each plait - a bit like in The Sound of Music - and pin in place or use a hair net.
The girls would have tangle free hair that is free of pain and up out of the way for doing adventurous activities.
Before bed, and before going home repeat the detangling process. Over time, their hair will become much less frizzy with the conditioner applied and will be easier to detangle.

Ideally their Mum will have their hair trimmed and it will be even less frizzy and dry but you will still have to carefully plan to control, condtition, brush and keep it tangle free and suitable for action. Long hair is a committment.

It is not neglectful to not cut her hair, my granddaughter is four years old and has never had a haircut bar the fringe, so it is quite long. But her mum always combs and styles it so I guess that’s the difference. If my son took her to get a haircut behind her mother’s back, he would be crucified.

NRTFT but people saying that just brushing is enough....there is long hair then there is long hair.

Long straight causcasian hair....yep no problem.

Curly hair.....a problem

Part causcasian part afro.....MAJOR problem. Washing, conditioning and combing my DD;s long hair is a full afternoon job even with products, Her hair care actually costs more per week than our food bill now its just the two of us! Hers gets matted very quickly and easily.

So I can imagine that many mixes of heritage can cause similar problems.

My daughter was the same. But you still need to take them to get used to having it done. Sometimes only her fringe would get done. But by the age of about 8 she loved having her hair cut. I first took her about 18 months. But if they aren't taken they won't get used to it.

I don't think not cutting hair is neglectful, but not caring for it at all would be. It's hard to tell though from your post whether or not their mum does wash and brush in the week and it gets tangled easily. I'm saying that as my own daughter (regularly brushed hair) can easily look like it hasn't been brushed for days as it's a bit wavy and flyaway.

Is the issue that you think the hair is in poor condition and needs to be cut, or do you think it is literally not being cared for apart from at yours?

Are you on the right thread ?

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Yes it’s certainly neglectful in terms of a dictionary definition. Not necessarily for social services.

I mean do you really want to entangle yourself in this messy situation? It’s easy to see the ex as the villain (and she very well may be) but your partner chose to have kids with her. And not just once.

Anyway. I’d put the hair type on here with exact details of the problem and hope that someone with expert knowledge of hair/that particular type of hair can help you sort the hair out.

Yeah I’m a social worker and it’s unlikely to meet the threshold based on what the OP has said. But it does sound like perhaps their mum may need some support if she can’t maintain their personal hygiene

While it’s not something I’d choose for my DC because of the time needed from both parents & children, no I don’t think that rises to the level of parental negligence. Using that incredibly loaded & accusatory word is unlikely to be productive.

Surely you would just trim the hair a few inches just to keep it healthy. If you want them to have quite long hair. But it does need maintenance. The fact it's so matted all the time seems as if the mum isn't brushing/combing enough or showing them how. If he/you just cut a little bit off surely the mum can't say much?
The children themselves should also really be able to choose what hair they want, within reason. I don't know if it would be classed as neglect from an SS perspective. Threshold for that is a lot higher I think.

When you said her grandparents are of a particular culture, that the tradition has passed down could you elaborate on that ?

Is she a traveller?

A quality hair oil would be useful to apply to stop the maths occurring.

A single Mum maybe working or maybe not trying to manage two little girls on her own the majority of each week ( maybe health issues herself) And one with big sensory issues. And a single " fault" is seen as neglectful. Maybe it is a hill she does not want to die upon. Maybe she needed back up when partner lived with her and wasn't getting the help she needed. There is a bigger picture that you nor us do not see here. Is your partner providing regular money for food/ clothing/afterschoolclubs? Does the Mum have mental health or alcohol problems? Does she have any extended family support?

Is their hair consistently matted? Dirty? That’s a sign of poor hygiene which is turn is a sign of neglect, technically. Especially if it’s causing the children pain. You both have a responsibility for those children and your partner shouldn’t really be allowing this. It wouldn’t be an issue if the children had clean, unmatted hair that caused no pain or distress for them

Sorry I’m a bit confused, you said up thread the hair isn’t cut for cultural reasons related to wider family. And you then say the hair is neglected and not well maintained but mum is particular with hygiene and with their appearance being clean.

This very confusing and doesn’t make much sense with the contradictory statements.

My daughter’s hair matts overnight, I don’t neglect her. I do simple braids and a silk pillowcase, invest in some good hair oils and leave ins. It will be fine. Wet brush and god send too.

But you are caring for her hair or encouraging her to care for it. That's the issue here - care and condition of the hair not the length.

I use that as I have similar texture in my own hair . It's brilliant.

I don't think the not cutting is the issue as much as the hair isn't being combed or even trimmed every few months. Although it may need chopping off now if it's got this bad.

I didn't say the child has autism, I don't know the child in question, nor am I qualified to assess!

I said "could", merely as a suggestion, as it is a possibility, not a certainty.

It took someone suggesting autism to me before things clicked into place with my eldest child.

My 4yo has never had a hair cut and if my ex who only saw them one night a week cut their hair after agreeing not to I would be fuming!

It’s not neglect to just not cut their hair, it’s not necessarily a kind choice though if it’s bothering the children. But it’s not yours to make - it’s the parents who have agreed not to cut it.

too tip- for my very curly slightly textured kids we use this and it makes their hair sooooooo much easier to manage, it’s magic!

https://www.superdrug.com/hair/hair-conditioners/leave-in-conditioner/palmers-coconut-oil-formula-leave-in-conditioner-250ml/p/422400?gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADp4mz8lEES2z1eITQN0rsgBVJ8tU&gclid=CjwKCAiA9bq6BhAKEiwAH6bqoFKhK8AuqFPH0h8pOQPcpcW94BYUxPapYzoOy72MJihMYgderKi9WRoC6gUQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Do they sleep overnight at dad's? Get them each a pure silk pillowcase

This is the best example of projection I have ever read. Not every kid who doesn’t like something or has sensory issues, has autism, is on the spectrum, has a disorder etc. I know it’s quite shiocking in 2024 but sometimes kids just don’t like taking baths, or having their hair brushed or having their hair washed without having ASD.

The OP sounds caring and it sounds like a difficult situation currently under evaluation, She has clearly been vague as to not out anyone or anything.

I think the neglect comment could be broader from other points made or perhaps “wishful thinking” to help their case.

Your asking about neglect yet your partner sees his children for 1 day/night!!! Maybe the children like there hair long.