To think this is neglectful?

I wouldn't say not getting their haircut is neglectful from an SS point of view (especially if that is the only thing). Elvive do a no hair cut creme which I used on my DD during lockdown, this stopped it from matting. After they've had a bath put some of that on damp hair and put it in a plait. Your going to have to cope with this until yhe custody issue is resolved. Has he gone to court for 50/50 access?

Where on earth does it say that? You’ve pulled that out of thin air.

I only very recently had my daughter’s hair cut for the first time, she’s 4, her hair came in evenly and very thick, she’s has really lovely hair. It’s down to her lower back, I can’t see how that’s possibly neglectful? However her hair isn’t matted at the bottom, obviously it gets a bit tuggy- usually after she gets jam or something in it. Not nothing that 30 seconds and a tangle teezer can’t sort. If it’s taking 30 minutes to de tangle it’s nothing to do with it being long and uncut, it’s clearly not being washed and brushed often enough.

Mostly assumption and a lot of projecting here. OP has answered to the best of her ability and obviously doesn’t want to give too much outing detail. There are clearly ongoing custody proceedings and if ex is volatile it’s really not a good idea to do something as drastic as cutting their hair until it’s sorted out and he has more contact, and therefore more agency. You might want to reflect on the fact that not all dads are deadbeat ones.

Anonymously raise it with the school

I wouldn’t say it’s neglectful to not cut their hair, it’s not really causing harm, just a bit of discomfort when having to be brushed/washed. I don’t think theirs much you can do and I can understand why their dad doesn’t want to do it behind his ex’s back as it may give her something to hold against him in court if it is going through courts for contact.

I could imagine the state it gets into left loose. Can't it be plaited and brushed out at night?

Neither Parent has taken the children for a hair cut so I would say both are neglectful.

has your DH or you tried plaiting it overnight to reduce the tangles?

Some really bizarre responses in this thread. Leaving your young children’s hair to become matted is quite clearly poor parenting at best, neglect at worst.

Just because she’s their mum doesn’t mean she’s an amazing parent.

Not your issue OP. Not even Dad's issue if the hair is clean.
Is the mum encouraging dreadlocks?
What does the mum say when the children are returned with matted hair?
Maybe she detangles once a week so as to avoid life revolving around hair brushing.

Funnily enough my autistic children either sleep in a spin or like the dead

Why don't you just ask the kids if they want their hair cut? I'm sure the mum will change her mind about long hair when the kids are in school getting letters that there's a nit outbreak in the class. Noone wants to spend hours combing for nits in long hair every week.

Has the daughter with sensory issues had an assessment for autism? You dismissed it quite quickly. My son has high functioning autism and he hates having his hair brushed, washed or cut. He often looks scruffy because the only way I can cut his hair is putting ear defenders on him and doing it myself and even then he is inconsolable. It takes 1h 30 min to do and I usually spend a week preparing him for hair cut day.

I do think you sound like someone with a bee in their bonnet rather than someone focused on the kids.

I don't understand why you are washing their hairs? You can surely just wash their body and skip the hair. He has 1 day with them and spends 1-2 hours of that dealing with their hairs?
If the mother doesn't wash their hairs then that's neglect. Not cutting their hair is not neglect.

I bought a tangle teezer a few years ago, {for long, thick hair prone to tangling} what a great buy that was.. It's plastic, but glides through hair like nothing else.

Well, when they get head lice, as all school aged children are wont to do, she may change her tune.

De-lousing and combing nits out of hair that long will be extremely painful.

OP, apologies if this has been mentioned already, but have you tried lightly plaiting their hair at bedtime? Some of the worst matting happens while sleeping.

I love long hair, but I agree it is odd not to trim it and maintain it.

YABU I first cut my DD’s hair when she was 7 1/2 and she decided herself she wanted it cut. It’s not neglectful. For me it was about letting her have her own autonomy over her hair. My mother gave me horrible haircuts as a child so I really didn’t want to inflict any hair cuts upon her.

My hair isn't even that thick but when it reaches a certain length I get a matted clump at the back no matter how often I brush it 😶

It sounds a little like you're in a competition to be the best 'mum'.

I hope you are not derogatory about her in front of them.

If you consider it neglect, then you must realise that both parents are complicit and therefore any reporting to teachers or social services must be about both of then? And why would you remain with a man who is neglecting his children?

Step away from the hair!

Seriously leave it to your partner - they’re his kids so better he deals with it.

Shampoo, conditioner, wash, brush, plait.

Simples, and tears are tough luck.

I say this as a mum of 4 girls who had long hair as children.

Can he take them to get it braided?

specific issue order application within proceedings to deal with the hair cut. if your partner has a solicitor they can advise on the merits.

My DSD was exactly the same. Her mum refused all haircuts. She is also against any sort of personal hygiene for the children so has brought them up to think showers and baths are unnecessary so the detangling was a mission every time DSD got to us. When they were little it was a battle to get them to wash or brush their hair. The haircut thing we just had to accept as she would have stopped contact if we DH took DSD for a haircut. Some people on this thread have no idea what coparenting with a difficult person is like. It’s easy to say ‘just get their hair cut’ but they have no idea what the ramifications will be. My step children are teenagers now so DSD has to detangle it herself. Sorry OP, there’s really not much you can do