To think this is neglectful?

For the OP it absolutely is about the hair. Others on the thread are making it about something else, not the OP. There is nothing in OP’s posts to say her partner is neglectful, and OP herself has treated the hair with good quality products. If ex is difficult and there is an ongoing custody proceeding, the last thing her DP should do is cut their hair without the agreement of their mum - OP says that would be enough for her to stop contact.

It's not terrible. I first had my hair cut when I was 8 and was definitely not neglected. If the condition isn't great, that's a shame, but it's not neglect and it's not something you are in a position to kick off about.

I get it - I have a step daughter and a few years ago we took her away on holiday with long hair. Spent close to an hour each day brushing the hair. Her hair gets matter and some days after swimming which makes it worse I had to cut the knots out as she was crying from the pain of the brushing.

This thread is not about the hair really. Neither parent is willing cut the hair, and OP is willing to accept a partner that doesn't do that. The purpose of mumsnet is to support parents. Not give new girlfriends ammunition to attack single mothers that are doing pretty much all of the parenting on their own.

And stay out of it - it's between the parents. This is not a hill to die on while there are ongoing court proceedings.

It may have escaped your notice but OP didn’t post about the amount of access and didn’t comment on the court proceedings until - very predictably for MN - it was picked up almost immediately and posters started pressing for more information. As soon as OP gave it the inevitable criticism followed. The focus was meant to be the hair issue - OP was asking for advice until such time as the custody is resolved and they have more agency in the care of the girls.

I think you’re doing everything you can OP.
I’m assuming the ongoing proceedings are for 50/50 or similar so play the long game. Do what you can for their hair and maybe keep a diary of of not just how their hair is but things like their teeth — does mum take them to a dentist, do shoes fit correctly, what the children eat at home but don’t question them too much. Are they generally happy and doing well in school?

Have you read the thread ? Ongoing proceedings for more contact, and a difficult ex. It’s entirely possible that OP’s situation is exactly as she’s posted, but still people insist on reading between the lines and looking for reasons to accuse. I really don’t know why people post for advice on MN any more. Picking apart the posts instead of advising on the matter at hand, and posters projecting their own issues onto the OP seems to be the norm these days.

Totally agree. All hair despite what some would say need regular trims to get is healthy.

I think it's actually helpful to point out to the OP. Statistically, she is likely to be naive and believed the bad ex narrative rather than her version. If OPs partner is the good Dad she claims him to be, he will have waited a long time from splitting with his ex before introducing a new partner. That means he has had years to go through family court. If we encourage women to believe mens lies, more children are brought into dysfunctional situations and OP ends up on the recieiving end of the attacks by the next new partner. The purpose of the OP is to attack a woman for her 'neglectful parenting'. I think it is helpful to point out that the other parent, that OP is currently in a relationship with is currently neglecting his DC by providing them with so little day to day care.

He always takes them to do something fun and therefore baths them in the evening to make sure they go home clean so as not to get an earful from their mum.

This doesn't read very nice. So as not to get an 'Earful' from their Mum? How about baths them before they go back because it's the right thing to do? You sound like you have no respect for this lady and if dp was a better Dad he would see them more than once a week. Butt out. Have u got children?

Do the girls want their hair cut?
Are there any grandparents involved that could get their hair cut and then the repercussions aren't on your dp?

What would the mother do if there was glue from a craft afternoon or sticky sweets from a kids party accidentally stuck in the hair? Hypothetically speaking of course.

It must be difficult for you and your dpnknowing they are not being fed and cared for as well as expected.

More that she’s looking at what they need not say. First sentence dealt with the hair advice. The rest was a criticism of the contact between DP and his kids, which has already been explained. Many posters are making this about the amount of contact involved, instead of what OP has actually asked. Entirely predictable for MN but not rally acceptable to judge OP or her DP from a position of ignorance, or to keep pressing for more detail when OP has said it would be too outing and unwise as there are ongoing legal proceedings.

I actually don't think this is unusual. Lots of mums want their children's hair long and can feel very emotive about cutting it.
Especially where there is an acrimonious separation or the children are not in mums care, i have seen mums in particular really struggle with the other parent or carer cutting their child's hair.

This sounds like it goes beyond hair and hair length .
you’re taking the time and have the patience to de tangle when you have the girls once per week ,
One of my girls has long hair and it needs keeping on top of .
You obviously can’t take the girls for a haircut so I can only suggest silk pillowcases and doing thick braids at night with a soft scrunchie in their hair .
Brush before washing then while wet and full of conditioner comb with wide tooth comb to de tangle .
If their hair is high density but fine texture then that is prone to tangles, add in length to that and that’s even trickier 😩

My hair mats like an old sheep if not washed every day and coaxed down with copious amounts of conditioner. So I can believe what the OP says

Tangle tamer brush and spray de tangler. Sounds an awful situation 😢

She's managing it 6 days a week, it's up to her and the DC. It would only be neglect if she wasn't managing it. Brush in the bath with conditioner in and put it in a plait. And stay out of it - it's between the parents. This is not a hill to die on while there are ongoing court proceedings.

Hi @newtothis0 it’s not neglectful per se - it’s just not ideal.
in the current circumstances I would carry on encouraging your partner to have the nicest day possible with the girls, follow mum’s rules and buy a tangle teaze brush and send them back clean, with brushed out hair and well fed. Maybe he can send little food gifts back like a box of berries, or items they like? Or cook with them flapjacks and send those back.
keep everything peaceful and calm.
once the school NITS hit - things will change re hair and hopefully once court proceedings progress he will get more access if that’s what he wants. he could offer to do dentist, doctor, eye test and hair apppintments / check ups to help out too at an appropriate moment.

Only read OP's posts. It sounds like the hair is just one tiny part of the whole story. I hope those wee girls find a settled and loving household soon.

With respect, OP has said several times she uses copious amounts of salon quality products and the hair is still in poor condition with sections needing to be cut back because of breakage.

Long hair looks scruffy if it’s not looked after. I would have a couple of inches cut off.

Read the thread. Ongoing custody proceedings with a difficult mum.

Urgh. My ex, who sees our DD the same amount of time as your partner sees his, complains that I apparently never wash or brush her hair.

She has extremely thick, fine hair that gets brushed twice a day, plaited at night and cut every few months. But because of her hair type, it gets incredibly knotted within a matter of hours.

This man makes comments to my daughter and now even his family have started parroting what he says, because yes it is knotty. But in infuriates me as someone who, by choice, only sees his DD 4 nights per month can criticise me, a single parent, about something he clearly knows nothing about as he doesn't see his daughter enough to understand.

He also complains that I expect him to bathe her on his nights, as apparently that's his special protected time.

If they have curly hair then it’s harder to keep knot free than straight hair. You need to care for it differently too, comb it when they have got lots of conditioner in using a wide tooth curl comb only as curly hair is more fragile.

What ????!!!