How to start a conversation about sex

This was supposed to quote an earlier post which basically said “I need sex or it’s over” which is absolutely the worst thing you can possibly say

Whatever you say don’t say this.

In my experience, anything that feels like pressure will probably cause him to shut down more. That said, he owes you an honest conversation.

I think the starting point has to be to understand how he feels about it without pressure or judgement. If he really won’t talk then I’d go for a letter, email or text message.

The key thing to impart is that what is important to you is to understand how feels. NOT that it’s important to you that you have a sexual relationship with him (of course it may be that sex is a deal-breaker for you but that’s the worst way to get him to open up).

Maybe he knows what’s going on and he hasn’t found the courage to talk to you about it yet. Maybe he doesn’t fully understand it himself.

I'm not an expert but aware that different people have different sexual triggers - e.g. emotional connection / intellectual stimulation / physical attraction / feeling horny when they have high dopamine from an unrelated matter eg sports team win etc..

@Meloney what happens if you try to initiate?

Does he ever see you naked?

It’s been THREE years. That ship has probably sailed!!!!

I was also wondering this 😂Especially as I get major dopamine from sex so would be the opposite for me….
But I think it’s the sensory and bodily fluids aspects... putting parts of his body in a weird, warm, wet hole…. Smells of breath and… other places.
So maybe ASD vibes.

No matter what the reason is behind the fact you haven’t had sex in three years you need to be able to discuss it like two grown adults who can talk about anything together otherwise you’re living in a false reality with a huge elephant in the room.

couples counselling would be great to help in all areas including intimacy and communication.

this has gone on for so long the issue has just become bigger and bigger when really it could probably be solved by a good serious talk and some non scary baby steps towards intimacy.

He doesn’t want sex. He won’t see her underwear. There is a serious issue here and it’s not a lack of dates.

Life is too short for no sex. Is he asexual? I assume not as you said he's good in bed. I find it odd he hasn't discussed it already.

I might actually try initiating first - talking could potentially make it an even bigger issue. Whereas a bit of romance might get things kick started.

But if that doesn't work, blunt conversation.

If he's unwilling to talk about it or look for a solution, then break up. I feel like particularly if you don't have or want children, a romantic relationship is a bigger deal, as you have more time / energy to spend with that person. If it were me, I'd want some sex every now and again....

All the comments on this thread so far are terrible.

There's nothing less sexy (and more pressurising/stressful) than having a "serious conversation" about sex.

There are plenty of good reasons why someone might not want to have sex. and plenty of good reasons not to break up with someone because of it.

I would start by recreating the start of your sexual relationship together. Go on the same date, or wear the same colour underwear, or wear the same perfume. Tease him while you're out, make it clear what you want without springing it on him. Make it seem natural and unpressured. Maybe watch a movie together that has a good sex scene without being sleazy porn.

"OH I would like to have a conversation about sex, this is important to me and I need you to take it seriously not deflect or avoid a conversation. When would be a good time do you think? I'm free now"

Pick a time when he's not tired or stressed and neither are you. Not hungry. And be prepared to wait a couple days for a time he suggests if he doesn't want to talk at hat moment.

If he had a couple of drinks do you think he might open up a bit? I don’t mean shit-face but if he is a bit uptight or awkward around sex conversations this might allow him to open up a bit if you could broach it once he’s merry and relaxed.

I read some very good advice on here. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, physical intimacy is one of (if not the) most important areas of compatibility. It is probably the only need that can be met by your partner. If you don’t meet each other’s physical intimacy needs, then the relationship cannot be a happy or enduring one.

Why would that make a difference? Just out of interest? I've never heard that before.

Honestly?

I would just say you need to have a serious conversation and you’re not letting it go this time. That you’re concerned you’re going to get divorced if this isn’t sorted and you need to talk about it without jokes.

Might he have adhd?

It won’t get better after 3 years. You either accept it or you don’t.

I also find texting is easier sometimes if they are quite awkward having a face to face discussion.

Have you tried to initiate ? If so, what does he do ?

I agree that it is perfectly reasonable to end a relationship due to a sexless relationship. Especially if this isn’t even communicated on his behalf. Thats really unfair.

could you see a relationship therapist / sex therapist ?

It's not so much the length of the dry spell (though it is long) but the fact he won't discuss it that would bother me. It's quite an immature response to what is essentially a serious issue.

In your shoes I'd be very direct and simply say we haven't had sex for too long, it's not something I can continue to do without so we need to discuss it.

No kids, no ties?
You've tried to talk about it. He won't.
You are young.
It's unlikely to get better.

This doesn't have to be the life you settle for.