How to start a conversation about sex

It wouldn’t.

Some people just aren't that interested or bothered about sex, especially the longer it goes on without it.

Do you actually feel attracted to your dp in that way?
I mean I'm 54, dh 50 and 4 children one still at home 14 dd autistic. We both have stressful and busy careers too
But, when I look at him still I often think omg I still fancy every bone of your body and want to get to bed
Probs make the dc turn green I know !
Intimacy is the one thing you have in a relationship which is strictly yours. It's keeps us connected/ makes us laugh sometimes. It's not the only important part I appreciate but it depends how important it is to you. Your so young and maybe settling in a relationship which isn't as fulfilling as it could be
Counselling might help ?

I agree. You might think you have a good relationship but you don't as you can't talk about it. No sex is fine but not talking about why you're not having it isn't.

I was in this situation and we did the Relate sex therapy course. It was quite eye opening.

How was it initiated that should say!!

When you did have sex, he was it initiated? Did you previously have a regular and good sex life?

If you love him give it one last shot. How about doing something new and scary together - zipwires, skydive, surfing etc - you get the idea. Nothing like adrenaline from a new shared experience to bring you closer (and closer) hopefully.

I’m sorry but this sounds like a LTB to me.
With no kids and no sex life, I don’t see what glue there is to keep your relationship going into middle age and beyond.

Leave him now before you are consumed with resentment at having wasted years with this man.

You need to talk about it op.
You need to go to relationship counselling and get to the bottom of the issue.

Their and passed. Grrrrrrr

It sounds like he has serious issues which need to be resolved by a therapist. You need to let him know that sex is more important to you than you realised, but also that you want him to be better in this area. It's genuinely an illness if he feels awkward about himself and can't talk about it. He's excluding a source of joy which might be resolvable with some professional help. They're might be some trauma, probably not best for you to start digging into it. Or issues past down through parents which he sees as 'normal' but aren't.

This is as good as it's going to get. You're going to end up begging or pleading or threatening and that's no way to have a sexual relationship with someone. If sex is important to you then I would move on. It's very sad but really there is no point in continuing if that is important to you.

For a lot of people with adhd it isn’t an issue - sex is one big dopamine hit after all!

For some the transition from the honeymoon period of high attraction can be tough, and some have difficulty sustaining a long term relationship because they’re craving the “hit” of that initial desire.

Others have difficulty quietening the mind enough to get in the mood - to just relax and get in the zone because they have so much internal chatter.

If you don’t want children do you think he’s worried that sex could lead to an unwanted pregnancy?

I think you need to take it extraordinary slowly, be loving, words first, a quick kiss now and then, a brush of a hand, a hug, holding hands, randomly spaced, building up probably over weeks if not months and gauge reactions, make it normal, ie don’t go from 0-60 in one go.

then depending what happens you will need to think about your needs and what you want from life. I had life changing surgery and afterwards it never occurred to me to initiate sex (there was a year where I couldn’t due to surgery), fortunately DH is understanding and we’ve worked it out now but it’s taken time.

Something I have previously found useful (but needs you to have had an honest conversation first) is to have physical contact but with an agreement that it doesn’t go beyond a certain point that you are both comfortable with. Depending on your starting point that could be as simple as lying next to each other in bed OR it could be touching anywhere except under underwear. But the key thing is you agree a limit and stick to it for a period of time (a day, a week, a month) and no-one pressures the other to go any further and even if you both want to, you don’t.

The idea is it provides the opportunity to connect and rebuild desire by removing any pressure and anxiety.

Watch a movie with a sex scene in it. When it's finished, turn to him and kiss him. Touch him. Etc.

I'd suggest binge watching a few episodes of Bridgerton, but I don't think you're there yet! (It's full of sex scenes)

If you haven't initiated for ages, time to try again. I'd try initiating a few times, spread out over a couple of weeks so that it doesn't seem like too much pressure, before starting a conversation about it.

Then I would gently bring it up to ask if there's anything wrong, explain to him how his response makes you feel rejected and invite him to tell you how he's feeling about it. Sensitively and without pressure or blame.

Sounds like he has issues with body confidence. Perhaps try being more vocal about how sexy/good looking you think he is and work on building up his confidence. Does he speak poorly about his own appearance in general?

Ultimately you will need to have a conversation but only you can decide how that would work best. I find talking about sex really difficult as this was not something that was ever spoken of growing up other than in school and is definitely not something I would ever have heard about from my parents, so I get the uncomfortable/reluctance to speak directly. (Although conversely I have no issue with nudity) You could send him a text/email or bring it up when lying in bed in the dark if you think that will help navigate/avoid his embarrassment. If he deflects you need to be a bit firmer about him needing to listen and acknowledge your concerns. Let him know he doesn’t have to answer right away, he can take his time but does owe you some explanation whether it’s that he has body dysmorphia, ED, is a-sexual, realised he’s gay, has a porn addiction, has anxiety around sex or whatever it might be. Make sure he knows you want to understand him, that sex is important to you but that you don’t want to coerce or push him into something he’s uncomfortable with.

If you can’t get him to communicate about this then it comes down to whether you want to stay in a relationship that doesn’t include sex and never knowing the reason why.

Is he maybe watching porn, and now has an unrealistic perception of penis size? If he is watching porn, perhaps that’s his release and you are being neglected.

Have you tried initiating rather than talking about it? How does that go when you try?

This might be enough to kick start something again. He might simply be interested but not initiate and respond if you do.

I’d ask if he’s experienced some kind of trauma that means he isn’t able to talk about your lack of sex and go from there.