To always be the one who’s woken in the night?

We've got into a bit of a similar pattern - DS would only settle for me, he'd scream if Dad went in and they'd both end coming back to me - but he did try. And I think that's the difference.

He also did one of the overnight wakes as soon as DS could be settled without milk, so that took one off my plate. I made the critical error of taking them all over when I was working away long hours, so I got some time with him, and we never convinced DS that DH could do them again... but he did try, and he was willing, and although he did sometimes worry about sleeping through, he was happy for me to kick him and wake him up, and he often set the alarm for just before DS would wake to make sure he was up.

Have you actually spoken to him about this? You shouldn't have to, he should be doing his fair share of wake-ups, but he isn't. Even if he says that he doesn't hear the baby/child, you can wake him up. It's not ideal, but you don't have to get out of bed as you are doing at the moment. If you wake him and he refuses to get up, that's a different problem.

Men aren't biologically wired for baby cries, women are

Um did your DH tell you this? Absolute rubbish 🤣

Sorry but thats not true from a biological perspective at all.

My DH and anecdotally from my friends, will hear and wake at their childrens cries. as will grandparents and sometimes siblings. Because they want to and are alert to it. There’s been times DH has heard the DC and I haven’t and vice versa. Habits and where you are in a sleep cycle factor more. Its difficult and dangerous to sleep through an alarm or screaming child and takes a conscious decision/utter exhaustion to do so.

Yep my dp can sleep through an alarm on his phone that sounds literally like a war siren. It was going off for about 10 minutes and I was lying there awake upstairs waiting for him to turn it off, he didn't and I had to go downstairs and turn it off. His phone was right next to his face on the couch 😂

Men aren't biologically wired for baby cries, women are. That's why you need to wake them up to do it.

My DP would literally sleep through a war, there's nothing he can't sleep through, including the most irritating screaming alarm clocks next to his face.

Then yes, you've been a mug and he's been selfish and thoughtless.

What do you want to do about it?

Your situation sounds similar to mine so I totally get how night time dynamics become established over time and just become the norm. I was up with the first on mat leave, went back to work when he was 6 months and planned to take it in turns but DS only wanted me and DP attempting to get him back to sleep just made things worse so it was easier for me to do it. Same with DS2. It’s now been 4 years and I’m just used to functioning on less sleep.
It’s definitely not as easy as ‘tell DP to wake up!’ As it will just mean upset for everyone. They’ll sleep through eventually.

I did all the baby years. Even if he got up, I’d still wake with a sort of ache for them if they were crying, and they only wanted me as toddlers.

But once they got to 4 or 5 I seemed to lose that ability to hear them in my sleep, and dh would get woken before me, so he inherited that job.

He never got up with your 1st, yet you went ahead and had another one. And expected it to be any different?

But surely if you ask him to, he’ll go? Haven’t you asked in 4 years?

I understand this. My DH doesn't naturally wake for cries in the night the way I do. However he will wake up if I wake him and tell him the baby's crying.

The thing is you can do this and make sure your children aren't impacted by getting up for them whether he will or not, but then during the daylight hours you need to put your foot down and tell him it's got to stop and he needs to get up for them.

You need to have a discussion with him about it when the crying isn't happening and you're both awake and have time to talk.

Have you done this?

My DH didn't do a waking for any of our 3. My eldest was an awful sleeper and once he'd gone to bed it was up to me. He's an awful waker so even when he said he'd do the night shift I'd end up doing it as it was quicker for me to get up and feed the baby and get him back to sleep before DH was awake enough to do it.

My other two slept nicely.

We done shifts, my husband done the late shift , so done the last feed at 12/1 am (I went to bed around 9) then I got up for the 4/5am feed but managed another hr or so sleep.

That said with our daughter my husband was deployed when she was 6 weeks old until she was around 9 months old so I was it 😴🥱💤

You teach people how to treat you.

This is wild to me.

My children were bottle fed from 6 weeks and my husband got up for night feeds every other night.
He now gets up to let the dog out every other night about3am !We are now 60 and share all care for dog and grandchild who stays once a week .Its a no brainer 🤷‍♂️

I've always done the night waking for little ones. We have 4DC and basically if under 3yo I'm the default one to get up. I do call DH of back up is needed.

Perhaps that makes me a bit of a mug, but small breastfed kids settle faster for me and I can't sleep through them crying but DH can. As far as I'm concerned it's an ok trade-off as long as the time is made up to youreasonably well e.g. you regularly get time to nap or lie in once baby is fed. Do you get this?

I have a ten month old. Since he was born Dh has done one wake/night feed every night. He saw something on instagram about womens bodies needing sleep to recover from pregnancy and birth so takes the first shift now of any wake up til 2am and I do any wale thereafter. Were both exhausted but they key word is both, and Im not as broken as I world be otherwise.

I clicked YABU by mistake, you are absolutely not being unreasonable. I have always done more than my fair share but actually when I stopped breastfeeding DC2 my DH took over the bulk of the night wakes

I mostly do the nights but get a lie in both weekend mornings - that keeps me going!

BF babies so did every night and that didn't bother me (they weren't as awful to settle back though) but definitely more equal now they are older

This doesn't happen in my family. My son has insomnia and we are both active and help. Initially when my son was a baby he would have wanted me more and I breastfed but DH helped where he could and then when my son weaned he started getting up with him - sometimes he would get upset and want me but that will never change unless I helped DH be able to settle him. Otherwise you make that be the only solution.

That’s insane though. How does he not know?!

That’s insane! DH can easily sleep through DD, sometimes he needs a kick. I do the majority because I’m on mat leave. But I get exhausted too, and he gets up. He always gets up on the nights before he days off. He’d be divorced if he hadn’t got up ever!!

Do you work? We’re going to have to go more 50/50 when I go back to work next month. No one should take all the burden.