To always be the one who’s woken in the night?

Friends DH is exactly the same. She went to a hotel for a weekend to relax, alone in bed, in peaceful bliss, take long baths with a glass of wine, read books etc. she was immensely more appreciated when she came home and he had seen what she was really doing. If you have the cash, do this.

DH and I have always been quite good at sharing our who is up with DC overnight. When they were babies and toddlers we'd pretty much take every other night unless there was a really bad night where it would be me so DH would be fine for work in the morning. It's probably me more than him with early wake ups nowadays (DC are 6 & 8 and will still bed hop but sleep fine). Both kids will get up anywhere between 5.45 - 7am and I do almost all early mornings because once I'm awake I find it really hard to fall back asleep. DH, on the other hand, finds it hard to stay awake!

I don't think you're a mug but, unless DH has some incredibly important job that he must be very well rested for (and you don't!) then he really should be helping you. Even weekend nights would make a difference to your sleep - and the kids getting a bit more used to dad helping at night.

My DH would get up but only after I shook and harassed him out of bed..because he is such a "deep sleeper". So essentially I had to completely wake up each time. I am still a bit salty about it.

Sounds like you have control issues over not believing he’ll do it right or the way you would, so stress yourself out listening to his every movement judging what’s going on. Or use this as an excuse not to wake him or have a discussion with him about this, and then double down with ‘but I shouldn’t have to..,’ ‘I’m being blamed…’ Yeah of course you shouldn’t have to, but let’s face it. A lot of men are selfish and won’t become less selfish unless made to be. That’s a simple truth. You can martyr yourself or keep grasping onto control / perfectionism, or you can get him to be less selfish, because he won’t magically do it on his own. Or you can leave.

You can leave

It’s not your fault he’s selfish. No one thinks that.

But it’s an inescapable fact that once you know that he’s too selfish to offer, if you ever want anything to change you do - despite it not being fair, or right, or easy - need to act to force change.

Otherwise it’s do what you’ve always done, get what you’ve always got.

I mean its a choice he's made and its not a fair or kind one to you or your children.
You can only try and have the conversation with him now if its still relevant to your situation - if it isn't then have a think about other areas in your life, is he like this is other ways?
The transition from one parent to the other for night time support is tough. We had to wean my daughter by having my husband look after her when she wakes at night and do bedtimes. She was devastated at first, it took time but its worth it so that its a burden you can both share.

It's not your fault he's shit. But it is your fault that you haven't stood up for yourself and have let this go on for four years.

One of the best bits of advice I ever got was 'don't become the only expert on that baby'.

You don't believe he can do it, or you believe that he can't do it the exact way that you would do it or want it done. If he goes for a wee first before seeing to the child it's not the end of the world, even if you wouldn't do that.

Have the discussion. Set up the situation so he has no choice (ie go away for a night) and then from there make it a regular occurrence. DP and I each have a night a week we sleep in the spare room. No monitor/no responsibility. and on the other nights we take turn about.

Because if you thought he was capable you’d have asked him by now.

It will get easier the more he does it. Don’t let his faffing about be an excuse. It sounds like he’s using weaponised incompetence so you don’t ask him again.

Im not suprised. How could this ever put you in a good place if that’s his behaviour. Hopefully he can sort himself out.

Haven't RTFT but wow yes OP you are a mug but your husband is a twat also.

Why would you need to argue? If you’ve never even asked before how do you know?
Surely they wouldn’t refuse?

‘It’s your turn’ /‘oh no they’ve woken again, argh can you help!’ Quick tap to wake them up if needed.

You can make someone care. By repeatedly making them realise they have a family to take care of and not letting unacceptable behaviour fly. You also don’t have to mention it when tired. Bring it up in the day time!

And if they don’t care then why would you be with someone like that. This seems like one small bit of a much bigger issue if that’s their attitude to the people they are living with.

It's definitely your husbands fault because he knows the children wake up at night and he knows he doesn't do anything about it. So it's not like he's unaware. But if you aren't advocating for yourself or saying anything then you've made it very easy for him to enjoy the status quo. I think a lot of women on MN feel angry about the inequality mothers put up with and want to offer practical solutions. The main one in your case being 'make your husband do it'. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

It’s not your fault he doesn’t do it but lots of posters have asked if you have ever mentioned it to him or asked or told him to help and you haven’t answered.
If you’re lying half asleep seething at him then say something. How can 4 years have passed?

Many women would not put up with that behaviour. I know I wouldn’t!

My DC always have shouted and it's been me getting up. DD is now 15.

I started saying to DP at bedtime at least once a week that I'd had broken sleep the previous nights and he was to get up that night and would give him a push if he didn't hear.

Also would wake him for his share of the early mornings.

If you don't tell him he won't understand there is an imbalance and will assume you are happy with the arrangement.

god forbid men are actually responsible for their own actions. No that's some how our fault too, or our fault for choosing to have children with such men as we should have known they'd be like this op!

internalised misogyny

women are always wrong even when it's the man that is it's still our fault.

solidarity op im up with you in the nights also you're not alone

Me, I'm also in this situation, hate how the woman is judged and scolded for it so not only do our husbands not do the wake ups etc but also it's our fault that they don't. Fucking marvellous

I do all the night wakings. DH would sleep through a freight train running through the bedroom. I am a light sleeper so I wake at any small noise and also because of that I am able to respond quickly. It's also always MUMMMEEEEEEEE he wants and so if DH did get up, I'd probably still end up anyway. I don't mind really, it doesn't last forever and I quite like those night cuddles.

My DP has always been hands on in the night. My DD is 2.5 and we’re expecting #2. Have a fair few mum friends and night wakings come up a fair bit. A few of their DHs are a bit lazy in the night, maybe sharing only 1 or 2 wakings a week but many pull their weight.

… I’ve never come across someone who’s NEVER done one. I’m genuinely shocked that can be true. There must have been times you were on your knees with exhaustion, did your DH just not care?

My DH did this for a while and i said to him it's ridiculous for me to get up just to give her to you. He helped with nights when she was little but not anymore and she just wants me now. But in the morning if he's still asleep and she's ready to get up I just wake him ip and tell him she's awake.

You need to put your foot down on this.