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Original poster

Am I expecting too much from DH?

136 replies

Bitmorebroken · 03/12/2024 15:11

Post blazing row with DH about the same stuff it’s always about - division of labour, childcare, house work, the usual. I am apparently crazy, mental and schizophrenic with a deluded sense of entitlement.

DH thinks I can’t understand or see how much he does for us but I don’t think he does nearly enough. Please help before I ending up saying something to him that I might regret aka I think he is a total waste of space and I’d be better off alone.

I work 4 days a week in school hours, he works full time, 5 days a week. He drops kids to school as I start earlier in order to finish earlier to pick them up by 5. Already I “only” work part-time so I’ve supposedly got loads of time.

I do all cleaning (all of it - he’s never so much as wiped anything ever), all cooking (he might heat up leftovers for himself but he’d largely eat them cold), all laundry (including his numerous sports stuff), bedding, towels, all school admin, get all their clothes, keep on top of everything single thing to do with them, birthday parties, deal with all family birthdays, buy all presents etc and wrap everything when it’s needed, have the full mental load when it come to kids (school welfare, any issues, homework, their development, managing their play dates etc, what they need on what days for school, all school WhatsApp’s etc), do gardening, clean and put away stuff after summer, do all Christmas decorations myself etc, do house diy, painting, any gardening outside of cutting the grass which we have a neighbour’s son do, elf on the shelf… all of it.

DH takes the bins out (after I’ve emptied all the house bins etc - I mean literally pulls them out), does car admin, looks after finances (but I’m not actually sure what this means on a day to day basis, but apparently it takes hours), sometimes does some homework with kids, does 2 or 3 bedtimes a week, takes the dog on a daily brief walk and takes the kids to their weekend activities.

In my mind this isn’t fair. He plays so much sport and I do nothing. I mean 6 matches / pt sessions a week. He sees his family. I don’t have time to see mine ever. He thinks it’s all completely fair because he earns more than I do and I work part time. But honestly 4 days might as well be full time. And on those 4 days I only start earlier so I can get to schools by 5pm after school club.

It doesn’t feel fair to me but DH tells me how lucky I am that he does so much. If this is a man doing “so much”, then how does everyone else cope????

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 03/12/2024 15:35

' because he earns more than I do ' says it all really, doesn't it.

the only difference is that you have one day not at work, so may have between 9am-ish until 3pm-ish to do all this housework/laundry etc etc etc
I can't believe you do the gardening/diy and decorating as well.

Surely his higher income pays for a cleaner and tradespeople ?

LostTheMarble · 03/12/2024 15:32

Do not make a list, it just adds to your mental
load and he evidently doesn’t feel he should be doing any of it regardless, it’s not just ‘not seeing it’. The way he speaks to you would be enough for me to finish things regardless, but I’d certainly stop doing all ‘his’ bits as an immediate. His washing, his present buying, his dinner, all his problems now.

LiveLaughGoblin · 03/12/2024 15:29

We both work full time (1 DC). Yes we have a cleaner for a few hours a week, but the place would be a tip if neither of us condescended to wipe a surface or put on laundry! He can at least clear up after himself, we are teaching our toddler to do this FFS. What a dick.

Gcsunnyside23 · 03/12/2024 15:29

Id write it all down on excel what you do and beside it wrote what he does. Tell him you are going to combine the lists and you both have to pick what you do. Including the finances, he can show you as you really should know the household finances and what goes where and there is no hope it takes hours. If you're truly part time yes you should pick up more but I would also be totalling up the hours he spends out of the house for himself (write that all down too) and tell him you need an evening and weekend morning/day whatever for you too. If you don't get him straight with the household it'll only end up with huge resentment on your side. I'm speaking from experience and it's taking a lot to turn that around down the line. If he isn't on board for helping I would tell him your not doing his washing for a start

Catza · 03/12/2024 15:27

I am apparently crazy, mental and schizophrenic with a deluded sense of entitlement.

This would be the point at which I would no longer feel the need to explain anything and would just file for divorce instead. Nobody has the right to talk to me like that, even if this is true, even if they feel absolutely assured in their viewpoint. Nobody. Ever.

padsi1975 · 03/12/2024 15:26

You could list all the tasks that need to be done and estimate time each one takes. Then divide it between you. A pain to do but might take the heat out of it (and demonstrate how much you actually do)?

Onlycoffee · 03/12/2024 15:23

Is it that he doesn't realise how much there actually is to do? I would stop washing all his kit, preparing the bins, cooking most nights etc if he questions it just say you haven't had time because you've been doing xyz.

I am apparently crazy, mental and schizophrenic with a deluded sense of entitlement.
This is so unbelievablely rude, disrespectful and invalidating, as well as ignorant at best.

You need to be able to talk to him without being personally insulted like this!

AnneElliott · 03/12/2024 15:23

I agree you stop doing stuff for him. No presents or cards for his family, none of his washing and if he doesn't eat with the family well I'd not be cooking for him separately either.

It doesn't really solve anything but it stops you feeling resentful.

NuffSaidSam · 03/12/2024 15:19

Please help before I ending up saying something to him that I might regret aka I think he is a total waste of space and I’d be better off alone.

Why would you regret saying this? It sounds like it's absolutely true.

Go on strike. It's the only way.

Original poster
Bitmorebroken · 03/12/2024 15:16

I should add, he plans our summer holiday and some weekends with kids like taking them to Legoland etc. that’s with me but he will organise and buy the tickets if we do family days out. But again, I don’t think this is comparable to the daily grind.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 03/12/2024 15:16

You'd be perfectly entitled to day all those things to him after the way he had spoken to you.

I have no advice, but I don't think YABU. I left my self-important ex who thought he was exempt from everyday tasks and child-rearing, much like your husband. And he wouldn't have spoken to me like your husband did.