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Original poster

Am I expecting too much from DH?

136 replies

Bitmorebroken · 03/12/2024 15:11

Post blazing row with DH about the same stuff it’s always about - division of labour, childcare, house work, the usual. I am apparently crazy, mental and schizophrenic with a deluded sense of entitlement.

DH thinks I can’t understand or see how much he does for us but I don’t think he does nearly enough. Please help before I ending up saying something to him that I might regret aka I think he is a total waste of space and I’d be better off alone.

I work 4 days a week in school hours, he works full time, 5 days a week. He drops kids to school as I start earlier in order to finish earlier to pick them up by 5. Already I “only” work part-time so I’ve supposedly got loads of time.

I do all cleaning (all of it - he’s never so much as wiped anything ever), all cooking (he might heat up leftovers for himself but he’d largely eat them cold), all laundry (including his numerous sports stuff), bedding, towels, all school admin, get all their clothes, keep on top of everything single thing to do with them, birthday parties, deal with all family birthdays, buy all presents etc and wrap everything when it’s needed, have the full mental load when it come to kids (school welfare, any issues, homework, their development, managing their play dates etc, what they need on what days for school, all school WhatsApp’s etc), do gardening, clean and put away stuff after summer, do all Christmas decorations myself etc, do house diy, painting, any gardening outside of cutting the grass which we have a neighbour’s son do, elf on the shelf… all of it.

DH takes the bins out (after I’ve emptied all the house bins etc - I mean literally pulls them out), does car admin, looks after finances (but I’m not actually sure what this means on a day to day basis, but apparently it takes hours), sometimes does some homework with kids, does 2 or 3 bedtimes a week, takes the dog on a daily brief walk and takes the kids to their weekend activities.

In my mind this isn’t fair. He plays so much sport and I do nothing. I mean 6 matches / pt sessions a week. He sees his family. I don’t have time to see mine ever. He thinks it’s all completely fair because he earns more than I do and I work part time. But honestly 4 days might as well be full time. And on those 4 days I only start earlier so I can get to schools by 5pm after school club.

It doesn’t feel fair to me but DH tells me how lucky I am that he does so much. If this is a man doing “so much”, then how does everyone else cope????

OP posts:
Original poster
Bitmorebroken · 03/12/2024 16:50

@SlipperyLizard that article 😢
is I expect exactly how he he sees things. Thank you

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 03/12/2024 16:49

Bitmorebroken · 03/12/2024 16:44

He goes to sleep much later than I do though. So whilst has more social / sports time , he only sleeps 6 hours a night.

I’m just cross and resentful that in addition to working 30 hours a week I’m a full time house wife with what feels like no support. I feel like I can’t do it all. And that it’s pointless talking to DH because he doesn’t get it. It doesn’t want to get it. My mind is spinning with everything I have to do every day and it’s too much.

And I am convinced that from his perspective, sitting at his desk / or being in his office even if he doesn’t have to is him avoiding the drudgery of every day.

Just stop doing anything beyond enough to keep your children alive and for yourself to have what you need

Floranan · 03/12/2024 16:46

At the time I didn’t really think about it , I was to ill.

the children were aged 5/7/9 we both worked full time.

i went down with sepsis and was very ill. For a week or so I was struggling to do all my chores etc then it hit and I was in hospital for 3 weeks then went to stay with my father for a week before going home, I was still very weak but gradually got my life back in order

DH will tell people that that was one of the worst times of his life, worrying about me, trying to hold our business together and run the home. It made him realise how much I did.

im not suggesting you make yourself ill !, but maybe, a bad virus, few days in bed ?

2024onwardsandup · 03/12/2024 16:45

SlipperyLizard · 03/12/2024 16:42

I saw this article shared on X the other day and it really sums up a lot of how I feel. I don’t think my DH is as bad as yours (he doesn’t spend hours on hobbies), but I earn 3 times what he does and carry all the mental load. It is a serious passion killler.

Some time ago I stopped remembering when his family birthdays are (except his mum, I can’t do that to her), and will only do his laundry if he puts it in the laundry basket.

archive.ph/SbMCo

Genuinely interested to know why you do his laundry?

Original poster
Bitmorebroken · 03/12/2024 16:44

He goes to sleep much later than I do though. So whilst has more social / sports time , he only sleeps 6 hours a night.

I’m just cross and resentful that in addition to working 30 hours a week I’m a full time house wife with what feels like no support. I feel like I can’t do it all. And that it’s pointless talking to DH because he doesn’t get it. It doesn’t want to get it. My mind is spinning with everything I have to do every day and it’s too much.

And I am convinced that from his perspective, sitting at his desk / or being in his office even if he doesn’t have to is him avoiding the drudgery of every day.

OP posts:
SlipperyLizard · 03/12/2024 16:42

I saw this article shared on X the other day and it really sums up a lot of how I feel. I don’t think my DH is as bad as yours (he doesn’t spend hours on hobbies), but I earn 3 times what he does and carry all the mental load. It is a serious passion killler.

Some time ago I stopped remembering when his family birthdays are (except his mum, I can’t do that to her), and will only do his laundry if he puts it in the laundry basket.

archive.ph/SbMCo

Icanttakethisanymore · 03/12/2024 16:35

I think you can work out if it's fair by how much personal time you each have -

I couldn't necessarily write you a list of my jobs vs my DPs jobs but I do know that basically from the time we both get up, to the time we both go to bed we are both working, looking after children or doing chores. Occasionally I go out for a run and he might have the odd hour to himself. It's shit but it's fair and shit. (we have a 1 yo and a 3 yo)

Original poster
Bitmorebroken · 03/12/2024 16:35

I am beginning to think, as suggested by more of you than not, to just cut out doing his stuff for a while and to leave the house for as long as I can in the hope he sees what I do.

My suggestion of a list we both add to and put our names to resulted in “don’t you dare start on me again. Making out I do nothing”.

Which isn’t what I was doing, I was trying to deal with the division of labour problems we clearly have if he has more free time than I do for sport, for family and for his social life.

OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 03/12/2024 16:34

I got as far as 'I do all cleaning (all of it - he’s never so much as wiped anything ever)' and didn't need to read any further.

Summerhillsquare · 03/12/2024 16:32

I think the trouble is the way he behaves ABOUT it, so defensive and sounds aggressive. It sounds like a sensible conversation isn't even possible because he's not collaborative at all.

I love all the 'sports' these men do. IMO family life is the ultimate team sport, but he's not good at it!

PeloMom · 03/12/2024 16:30

Yeah he’s a waste of space. If he lived alone who’d do the housework, cook etc?

Original poster
Bitmorebroken · 03/12/2024 16:29

Menace24 - you’ve put a lot on his daily list that definitely isn’t daily!? And I think diminishes the mental load that I hoped other people who are / have been in the same position can understand.

but equally see that when you write it like that - with no allocation of hours and hours spent on some my daily tasks that it looks fair.

cooking a meal vs taking a bin out ….?!!!

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/12/2024 16:28

I don't think it's about who does what chores, it's more useful to look at how much leisure time t9u each have. If he has hours free a week and you have none because he earns more, then that's not fair and its him putting more value on the contribution that he makes vs your contributions. I think the only way round this is to tell him that you'll be focusing on increasing your earnings if that's the only way that he will agree to equal leisure time. So you'll be putting the kids in after achool care more, doing less chores, looking for a full time job, and outsourcing more at home so that you can concentrate on building your career

Anotherworrier · 03/12/2024 16:21

You’ve listed out all you do in a very wordy way and summarised his chores quite neatly.

Would be interested in hearing his POV on division of chores because it’s not looking that bad but I do think he goes out to much.

applestewing · 03/12/2024 16:17

Cheeky fecker
i would be having some very serious words, i would stop washing his kit and i would prioritise making time for myself

tbh i dont think i could stay with someone who had so little respect for me

Menace24 · 03/12/2024 16:12

When I strip that down to what you and him both do, the crux of it is:

YOU DAILY
Work 24 hours per week?
Afternoon school pick up
cleaning
cooking
laundry
does 4 or 5 bedtimes a week

DH DAILY
Work 40 hours per week?
Morning school drop off
Takes the bins out
homework with kids
does 2 or 3 bedtimes a week
takes the dog for walk
takes the kids to their weekend activities

YOU NON DAILY
gardening
house diy
painting
life admin

DH NON DAILY
car admin
looks after finances

Yeah I'd say the split is more in his favour, however he works nearly double the house you do if the hours above are correct so I imagine you would have more free time than him.

I'd work out how long all the tasks take, and work out weekly between working and house tasks where the balance is. If its more in his favour he should be helping out by doing dinner, cleaning and laundry at times.

SunshineFlowersFood · 03/12/2024 15:57

Sorry my response was probably a reflection of my personal situation. I hope you and your partner are able to sort this.

SunshineFlowersFood · 03/12/2024 15:50

Of course he earns more than you, you've been disadvantaged by having to PT to look after his children. It sounds like you're doing a lot and he should book some time off to look after the children whilst you see your family and recharge.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 03/12/2024 15:49

You could try going on strike
You could try not doing any work for him, e.g. his laundry
You could try discussions, lists of jobs, negotiations, etc.
You could try making sure for every evening/day out he has, you take an equivalent amount of time and leave the DC with him (even if you have nowhere to go and end up just sitting in a cafe)

OR, given the way he speaks to you and his obvious contempt and misogyny, you could just skip ahead, save yourself the time, and go straight for divorce.

2024onwardsandup · 03/12/2024 15:46

He won’t change. I’d leave him. But if you’re going to stay then I certainly wouldn’t be doing his washing or cooking for him

Dimpliy · 03/12/2024 15:43

deal with all family birthdays, buy all presents etc and wrap everything when it’s needed

Yes, please stop this!

He gets to look like a family man at YOUR expense, don't let him get away with it.

Dimpliy · 03/12/2024 15:43

He's a lazy liar, the financial stuff doesn't take hours. Bills (gas, electric, broadband, council tax, etc) are on direct debit. Car insurance is easy peasy, the price comparison sites remember all your details each year and search for the best deals for you. It takes 10 minutes.

He is lying to you. Tell him to shape or you will divorce him.

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 03/12/2024 15:41

Stop doing things for him. Do only for the children and for you.

This. First thing you do it stop washing his clothes and sports kits, stop ironing his clothes and stop organising his family's birthdays/Christmas presents. he should be doing all of this himself anyway.

QforCucumber · 03/12/2024 15:38

For comparison - we both work 5 days. Him 7:30 - 4 me 9-5:30

He does all outside jobs, garden work, anything car related - this summer over the weekend he build a full decking area with pergola canopy.
He goes to the gym or plays tennis 2/3 times a week. So do I.

He does all childminder pick ups and I do all drop offs.
they get home an hour before me and he starts tea, empties the dishwasher, washing machine stuff into the drier, cleans out and feeds the cats and vacuums and makes a start on homework with the kids.
I get home and finish off making tea, kids (8 and 4) lay the table and get washed up. We eat together between 6 and half past.
He clears down and loads dishwasher while I have some time with the kids, in summer a walk in winter we just chat about the day.
7-8 is bath/shower/gym time.
8pm bedtime. 8:30 lights out for the kids.
A joint 15 min run around to prep for the next morning checking the calendar, quick amazon order of anything we need, we are also both logged into the tesco app so can each add things we notice we need on to there for the next delivery (which grated I do schedule but don't take the full responsibility for) fold clothes out of the direr (kids are being taught to put their own away at bedtime) loading school bags etc before an hour together before bed.

We have a shared list for upcoming bdays on which we both make notes of what we think the person might like, the other just ticks it off when bought - again no expectation that one or the other will do it.

So yes - I'd have said more than what you're biting your tongue with if he dared speak to me the way your has. Sorry.

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/12/2024 15:37

Women's unpaid labour (including the mental load) is invisible to men.

They don't see it because they don't want to. They don't acknowledge it because that would make it real. Instead the woman is portrayed as a nagging harridan or a madwoman.

My advice would be - don't try to resolve or discuss this when you're angry. If he refuses to listen to you, then stop talking about it.

Stop doing things for him. Do only for the children and for you.

He can wash his own sports stuff, organise anything to do with his side of the family (birthdays, etc), in fact anything and everything to do with facilitating his life, he can do himself. Similarly he can wash his own clothes and do his own ironing.

Whatever time he takes for his sports and other hobbies, you take the same time for yourself. Write it on a massive kitchen planner if needs be. If he is entitled to that time, then so are you.

It might sound petty, but sometimes it's the only language that men like that understand.