Am I expecting too much from DH?

He actually sounds emotionally abusive.
How can you stomach such selfishness.

As others have said.
Stop doing ANYTHING for him.

Not laundry, shopping, including him in food shop.

Don't do a thing for his family.
You will burn out if you don't lighten that load.
He sounds awful.
Tell family and friends that exactly what he is like.
He is clearly actively avoiding family life.

because she’s there at 3.30 and he’s not.

On a Friday she is (potentially - if she doesn't have them in the wraparound care that day - which, BTW reduces her 7 hours to 6 or less depending on time to do the school run) - every other day she's working from 8 so she can pick them up at 5pm..

I think cleaning the house, doing the laundry and doing the food shop is easily manageable in 7 hours. That is just for the day that OP is off though, the house won't stay clean all week without daily maintenance.

My DH and I dealt with domains of responsibility. For example, my husband was responsible for laundry, and I for meals. Didnt mean that I wouldnt put on a wash, or he wouldnt pick up some groceries or cook a meal, just that the burden of ensuring clean clothes was on him, and meals on me. The process of defining and agreeing the domains was really useful. Personally, I think you should start with swapping overseeing the finances for laundry. Your current split isn't just about time, but, for want of a better word, power too.

She picks up at 5 from wraparound I think, not at school

I was in your shoes and I:

hired a cleaner
joined a gym and go 3 evenings a week which he has to work around
no longer food shop, meal plan or cook
only do bedtime or the dishes

I still think I do more but food shopping and planning is a big load off my mind. He has to do it because I’m not and he wants to eat. First couple of weeks did take an adjustment.

I hate the gym but it’s still 3 evenings where I get out for 90 minutes 😂

you don’t have to accept it.

She gets a day off a week. On a Friday i do 3 loads of washing, the main shop, clean the kitchen, 2 bathrooms, the living room and at least a couple bedrooms. I will do a shop for Friday - Monday.

The rest of the week is maintenance.

I don’t disagree he could do more, but I think she needs to be specific about what she can achieve in her 7 hours and what he needs to be doing. For example, of course she’s going to be feeding the kids and doing school admin, because she’s there at 3.30 and he’s not.

It’s the physical labour isn’t it? It’s absolutely exhausting. Doesn’t equate to sitting on your arse sorting finances. I detest vacuuming our stairs. He’s been rude speaking to you like that. Tell him you’re tired and need to drop something from your load. Maybe his ironing?

You think you can meal
plan do a shop clean house and do laundry and pick up kids three times a week in SEVEN HOURS?

I do agree you should be doing more than him, but certainly not all of it. So you're off 1 day a week- that’s 7 hours. So I’d expect you’d be able to get most of the washing and cleaning done. You could also get a main shop done. If you can’t get the bulk of it done in this time, can you hire a cleaner for a couple hours? or put the kids in afterschool club a couple days a week to give yourself more time.

So the rest of the time is keeping on top of it. I would make a few house rules like before bed every night you jointly need to leave the living room and kitchen tidy including a loaded dishwasher and wiped surfaces. Him to empty dishwasher in morning whilst kids eating breakfast. Him to do a wash on a Tuesday and Thursday.

Ill be honest, getting rid of the other admin shit might be counterproductive. You’re the one dealing with the kids more and you have the time post school to deal with it.

I was firmly in the camp of men should take responsibility and not need a list or to be told. Take some of the mental load. I’m older now and have decided this just isn’t the hill to die on. Everyone I offload the mental load, it gets worse because he doesn’t take it on and I just get cross. I now make a list as much as I hate the fact I need to write a fucking list.

What’s stopping you booking a couple of classes in the week?

It's not right that he gets to do sports and see his family and you don't

How chores and responsibility is split is flexible - as long as you both get proper downtime - perhaps focus on that aspect

He should step up now and make an effort or I would start working on a new life without him around. I am not a maid.

I don't think there can ever be a 50/50 split, some jobs dont compare to others, mental load isn't measurable, what takes one person 10 minutes could take another person an hour. Maybe instead of approaching it as though he isn't doing as much as you just say you are struggling and need him to take on more. Let him know you are at breaking point and can't sustain everything you are doing.

Brava 👏

It’s the grind that gets you down. Can you explain that to him and get him to swap one of his jobs for one of yours? (You do “bins” and he does “laundry” - or just his own laundry?)

And make sure his regular jobs include the full job. So school drop off involves getting all the bags ready, remembering what clothes they need that day, checking homework is in bag, etc etc. not just putting them in the car and driving it to school.

If he won’t listen and he doesn’t care how it makes you feel, the only way you’ll even it out is by stealth. You may want to think if you want to live with someone who’s pushed you to that.

Honestly a spreadsheet with your leisure time versus his...

I have to agree with posters saying stop doing certain things. Top of the list is stop buying any presents for his family. Stop buying and writing cards too. Then stop doing his laundry.
As for taking out the bins, how is this even a job? I mean fair enough if you live in the Hundred Acre Wood I suppose but come on, wheeling a bin 20 yards down a drive! Hardly equates to planning, preparing, and cooking a meal.

There are so many big issues here (his attitude, laziness, name-calling)... If some bloke called me those things, it would be the very last thing he said to me in the relationship!

It doesn’t sound best, but could you drop a bit of what you’re doing, you probably have v different expectations. Clean less often, have a pizza night instead of cooking, join a drinking/book club and get out of the daily grind. If you’re not there he’ll work it out. Or it can wait. Let some of the housework and diy go - sounds like the kids are small, you will find they need less of your time as they get older.

If he’s got it right, and the division of labour is completely equitable … offer to swap with him

you do his, he does yours

Commune in the north west is a bit bloody parky for kneeling on the ground chanting in my birthday suit...

I'm not going to deny, it was the beginning of the end for me, but I stopped doing his washing, I stopped packing for him if we went away, I stopped organising his car stuff, stopped reminding him it was time to put the kids to bed or when his family's birthdays were. If it wasn't to the advantage of me or the kids, then I left it to him. I also started going on a walk alone every day, and using the phrase 'I don't know' a lot more rather than be his voice activated Google.

TBH, running house and kids and job was so full on that it only made a small dent, but it did make me feel less of a mug.

Because it's not fair. But these selfish fuckers rarely change, and you can wear yourself down to nothing trying to be hyper-reasonable and they'll just take advantage of it.

Omg wasn't expecting positive responses to that. 😂

A commune then? North west might be a good shout financially. I'm up for fire jumping but obvs would be optional.

You can. I find these situations frustrating - he’s being unreasonable but you are making a choice to stay. Things are still very unfair for women - but we do live in a society where you can leave. Up to you. You don’t get any life brownie points for martyring yourself.

I'm starting to think the same.

Then do it.