Am I expecting too much from DH?

I think the ops post sums up why most relationships break down. Her dh does not respect her, yet I guarentee that if she took on a full time job which paid more than he gets paid, and meant her working more hours than him he would also moan about that.
Judging from posters on here and the couples I know well the only relationships that work involve either:
No children. The women I know have good careers and their dh does as much as they do. However there is no emotional blackmail regarding children. If the man doesn't pull his weight then he knows he is a gonna.
Woman working very little hours, often retiring very early. Of all the couples I know who seam happy and have DCs, I can’t think of one where the woman works full time. Most hardly work at all so they do the vast majority of housework.
Thinking about my work colleagues, all the female bosses without any exception rely heavily on their parents- well their mother to be exact. Every single one of them uses their mother for childcare at some time or other and every single one of them has a husband.
Quite depressing really.
Apart from this I know lots of women who upped and left their lazy bastard of a husband and not one of them regrets it.

If he thinks there is a fair division of labour offer to swap for a week!

Is that you Dobby?

Of course he's arguing with you and telling you you're mad.

He does whatever he wants, when he wants and has someone running around after him and taking care of his children.

He wants to maintain the status quo because it greatly benefits him. Why would he want anything to change?

He wants you back in your box.

I'm shocked that this update hasn't blown up the thread 😉

It is Mumsnet law that (when working Mon-Fri) all parents get one lie-in each per weekend. And you're not wrong, OP, it comes back to downtime.

7am is early but as you've said, he's up at 7am doing a thing that he has chosen and is leisure time for him. Both mornings, you're on call for when the kids wake up/need feeding/clothing/hair/teeth brushing/adjudicating over who's picking what to watch/eat or spilled juice literally everywhere.

You should also have a choice one 7am at the weekend to say "I'm going to have a lie-in and then I'm going to a class that I like or a long walk or to see my mum".

I'm also surprised to see the number of PP telling you how to just better organise yourself (as if you've not tried that). They are right in that there are no points for martyring yourself, however, they are ignoring the reality that you are doing three full-time jobs.

You're a wife & mother, a housekeeper & personal assistant, and an 80% full-time employee. By the sounds if it, he's a 100% employee (with hours that he "steals" from the evening and family time) and a sports enthusiast.

Do not beat yourself up further about AIBU or can I do this better. Either he picks up his fair share or you decide if you want to spend the next 10-20-30 years being his maid.

Absolutely bizarre how men equate their self importance and value in life to their income. Equally how you diminish your value based on your part time wage.
you are both adults one is not worth more than the other because of their job.
family life means both need to put equal time into running a household.

I agree with pps who say you need to take time to see family and friends and do your own activities.

In my house division of labour is really excellent. We both work ft and it’s mad busy. Dh does get frustrated when I don’t do enough, but I am menopausal and I cannot go at the pace I used to! And I get frustrated when dh doesn’t see the mental load of planning everything as a real task. But we do fine overall.

We have a large A3 planner in the kitchen where we both see what’s coming up. We review it every weekend, and plan tfor changes in my dh’s (very fluid) work schedule.

I do the meal planning, cooking and grocery shop, keep fridges cleaned and stocked. So if dh is taking dc2 to a activity, I’ll see it on the planner and organise meals around that - I’ll shop for snacks and packed lunch but dh will assemble food on the day and pack the bags/ organise kit.

We each take the time we need to socialise and have exercise - in my case, out of respect for dh’s efforts, I swim 4 times a week at 6am when the kids are still asleep.

A typical conversation in my house would be;

“I am going to meet with my friend on Saturday next month, is it ok if I add to the planner and you will need to take dc2 along to dc1’s activity too I’m afraid. Dc2 can do their math homework while they wait for dc1 to finish.”

”oh ok I’ll take the kids to MacDs afterwards as I need to pop into B&Q next door anyway.”

No screaming or shouting or nastiness.Your dh is being a real bastard.

Was this not discussed before marriage/having kids?

DH works full time 8:30-5:30 and sometimes extra at night. He does all the manly tasks at home all the DIY and aervices the cars/fixes any faults. He does the shopping weekley he does some taaks at night time.i go to bed at 9pm to be up early for the kids and see to DS2 who is a baby and up 3/4 times it night.
DH will hang a load of washing, wash dinner plates once I go up with the kids. He helps with bath time twice a week and he reada and tucks in eldest every night 20mins.

I do not work at all. In the days I look after the kids, homeschool eldest, I clean the house twice a week, I batch cook on the Sunday. I take DC to all groups and activities, I deal with all the admin day to day.

Not sure on your dynamics if name calling is allowed byt that would not stand in my marriage. We do nit name call or swear or saying anything insulting to one another about anything.

Get the fair play cards. Go through the cards with him so he can see how much you do. Then delegate chores like his laundry to him. If he keeps saying oh but I earn more, ask him if he would prefer to pay child support

It's abuse

This
He doesn't care about the Op , that's the crux of it
No list is going to change that

The Fair Play Deck: A Couple's Conversation Deck for Prioritizing What's Important https://amzn.eu/d/00op5Vn

This might help?

But the main thing I would say is in the insults. Thats the thing that sticks out as unfixable.

My H does quite a bit round the house but he is also defensive and difficult to talk to about this stuff. So he does the cooking every night but if I asked for help with something he would blow up in my face.

I guess what I'm saying is it's less about splitting each task by minute and dividing it up but about having a respectful conversation where you both try to understand it from each other's perspective.

I hope to leave him in 2025 and it won't be about the washing up. It will be able the fact I'm not allowed to bring up the washing up or indeed anything like that, without facing insults and sulking. It's a deal breaker.

Because they wouldn’t get paid/I’d still have to remind him to pay them. I could let him fail, but all that will do is cost me money.

Time to go on strike. Its the only way!

Same here... I stopped doing a load of it and just let the chips fall for 'his' stuff. He ran out of pants, missed several family birthdays, didn't call his parents for months, didn't see them for ages either. In the same vein, I'm snowballing to pay off my personal debt, but I haven't included DH's in that. Up to him if he wants to pay off more than the minimum.

I've got plans to divorce as I just can't be arsed to deal with this for even longer than I already have. I carry the full mental load. It isn't about numbers of tasks, it's me remembering all the tasks, when they're needed, has DH realised it needs doing, should I ask him to do it, has he done it, does it need chasing, should I just do it instead? On my own, I'd just do everything and it would be done.

On the plus side, DH has dropped the ball a few times for the kids and they now organise themselves much better, rather than relying on DH.

I am apparently crazy, mental and schizophrenic with a deluded sense of entitlement.

He is completely U saying this to you. He's just saying it to stop you voicing your opinion and telling him how you feel.

God, how entitled he is. I think you should say to him what you have said here.

You should have equal down time in a week.

At weekends he should do equal cooking and housework. You should have one lie-in each.

I'd point this out then to on strike if he doesn't shape up.

Good luck. His views sound so entrenched that it will be hard to change his mind. What an arsehole.

@Bitmorebroken Ha, this happened with my EX husband for years, and then I left. I did Excel sheets, chore lists, tore my hair out.

But essentially he was misogynistic and lazy.

The last straw was he said “You don’t do much for a woman, anyway”.

I think I left about a year later but obviously I had emotionally checked out.

I do still have plenty to do single (but not really), but I DON’T have the frustration of an able bodied adult not pulling their weight and being a chauvinist twat. Plus everything is on my terms - bliss!

There’s another famous article about dishes, written by a man.
Ggood luck!

He thinks it’s all completely fair because he earns more than I do

I find that troubling. It's not about how much each earns, but about how much time each has to devote to home and family around work commitments.

The crux of the matter seems to be that his schedule allows for him to see his family and pursue a hobby, but yours does not. That is what you need to be discussing with him. Tell him the things that you wish to do but do not have time for, and that you wish to have equal priority to be given to you to do these things in the same way as it is to him. If he responds by saying he deserves this time because he is earning more than you, then I think it would be entirely appropriate for you to concluding that he does not have your interests at heart at all.

Whatever happens, please do not take on the responsibility for remembering his family's birthdays, buying their Christmas presents etc. - that is down to him, not you.

Well yes it would be easier, you do everything now anyway, may as well do everything in your own home just for you and the DC - and if you left he would have the DC sometimes giving you time alone.

I guess he would suddenly have time to do housework and cook for himself if he didn't have a live in maid.

Something for him to think about....

The joint load of parenting, house, jobs etc should be split in a way that gives you equal down time and equal kid free time, that's what's fair. Earning more doesn't mean you're entitled you to do less of the drugs work.

I'm on maternity leave, my DH does all the cooking, looks after DS once he finishes work because he wants to spend time with him, will mostly do the food shopping as (in his words) it's easier for him without an 11 month old in tow, take him swimming at the weekend, hoovers twice a week. We share the washing up & washing, he does most of the car stuff as he's friends with the garage owner, I do the insurance etc for mine, he usually fills both cars up, he does all the gardening, oh and he works full time! Not sure if I've missed anything there! So no, your DH is not doing his fair share!

He won't change
He's appalling speaking to you like that.
I would carry on as normal, he will shout / kick off at you if you try to change things
He doesn't care that you are exhausted and struggling .
Quietly carry on, get your ducks in a row.
Top up a pre payment card quietly, buy all the stuff you will need for you and DC for next 2 years, buy vouchers and stash them then divorce his abusive arse.

I'm with @Catza

In terms of mental load, we each take charge of different discrete areas. I took "older son's secondary school" - so parents' "evenings" (afternoons), checking the online homework thing when he was younger, talking through GCSE stress, managing a revision timetable, etc. I didn't do all of it, DH did some, but it was my area, and I'd ask him for help when needed.
DH is managing healthcare for younger son - again, I'm going to a pre-op anaethesist appt instead of DH next week, but the process is organised and managed by DH, who couldn't make a particular appointment and asked me to help out.
We aren't missing things or duplicating effort, but one person is in charge.

If you love him then get a cleaner and you'll feel happier and less resentful.

If you don't love him then get a new husband and you'll feel happier and less resentful.