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He won't let me visit his home

579 replies

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 13:54

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 03/12/2024 16:47

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:42

Yes but a child who works full time and uses her wages as unlimited pocket money whilst sponging?

I've seen it before, yes. Not saying he needs to tolerate it, but it happens. Have a relative who's not even a pushover who paid to get his adult child an expensive place in order to get them out of the home. They worked, had my issues and problems managing money.

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 16:47

We think alike as that is exactly what i have done.

so you have had that conversation- about being together forever?

If so, where is his D going to live?
Where are you as a couple going to live?

Or- as some older couples do- are you going to Be Together but Living Apart.

That means taking it in turns at each other's homes.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:46

VacuumPacked · 03/12/2024 16:45

when you do finally get inside that house - Don’t go down the fruit cellar!

I've had giggly norman bates vibes going on reading this!

OP posts:
VacuumPacked · 03/12/2024 16:45

when you do finally get inside that house - Don’t go down the fruit cellar!

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:45

TwistedWonder · 03/12/2024 16:41

And does he always pay?

9/10

OP posts:
Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:44

Bigcat25 · 03/12/2024 16:39

Op, how directly have you confronted him about asking why he won't have you over? I would try to have a serious talk before an immediate dump.

Obviously this is hypothetical bc very far off, but if he's said he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, I would ask what that looks like, ie, is he prepared to separate from his daughter, as you obviously wouldn't live with her.

We think alike as that is exactly what i have done. I don't actually dislike the daughter as she obviously has her reasons. I just cannot comprehend the behaviour.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 03/12/2024 16:44

I think I'd have a look at land registry and check who actually owns the property

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 16:44

If I were him, I'd say to his DD

'Look, Swimming is going to come round on Thursday for dinner. I'm cooking it- well, I'm buying an M&S dine in thing. So, don't be surprised when you see her here. It's about time she saw where I live.'

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:42

Bigcat25 · 03/12/2024 16:41

This is my thoughts. Lots of older parents are stuck in this situation so that the "child" doesn't become homeless.

Yes but a child who works full time and uses her wages as unlimited pocket money whilst sponging?

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 03/12/2024 16:41

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:41

Yes we do

And does he always pay?

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 16:41

Maybe his DD is totally freaked out at the idea of her dad having a sex life?
Even though she's 35 I can imagine she doesn't want to think of someone else in her parent's bed.

Could he not invite you for dinner but then you go home afterwards? Kind of gently , gently?

If you really like him could you ask him to cook you dinner one night?
If he refuses and says no, ask why.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:41

TwistedWonder · 03/12/2024 16:40

This was my question too. Seems he’s getting free bed and board with sex thrown in 5 days a week.

OP do you also still go on dates, out to dinner, drinks etc?

Yes we do

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 03/12/2024 16:41

MarmaladeSideDown · 03/12/2024 16:37

Wild stab in the dark...

Is there any chance at all that he is trapped in an abusive relationship? It is not unknown for adult dc to be abusive or highly manipulative towards their widowed parent, and exert coercive / financial control over them.

This is my thoughts. Lots of older parents are stuck in this situation so that the "child" doesn't become homeless.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:40

MarmaladeSideDown · 03/12/2024 16:37

Wild stab in the dark...

Is there any chance at all that he is trapped in an abusive relationship? It is not unknown for adult dc to be abusive or highly manipulative towards their widowed parent, and exert coercive / financial control over them.

Oh gawd i hadn't even thought of that! 🙄
Being everyone's "Mother" that would make it harder to run away

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 03/12/2024 16:40

Dimpliy · 03/12/2024 16:29

I'm glad you are waking up to his true nature and finding your anger, OP.

Can I ask, does he buy groceries, take aways, drinks etc? Or does he usually turn up empty handed and expect to be fed and watered? Does he offer to cook but only with your ingredients that you have bought?

This was my question too. Seems he’s getting free bed and board with sex thrown in 5 days a week.

OP do you also still go on dates, out to dinner, drinks etc?

Hateam · 03/12/2024 16:39

You should walk away from him because his reluctance to let you in the house is a problem.

He should walk away from you as you clearly dislike his daughter.

Bigcat25 · 03/12/2024 16:39

Op, how directly have you confronted him about asking why he won't have you over? I would try to have a serious talk before an immediate dump.

Obviously this is hypothetical bc very far off, but if he's said he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, I would ask what that looks like, ie, is he prepared to separate from his daughter, as you obviously wouldn't live with her.

SpryCat · 03/12/2024 16:38

Your partner is not free to have a future you envision, he is paying his daughter’s way and that’s probably why he gets you to host as he might not have money to host you back.
It could be he is too lazy to host and wants you to wait on him hand and foot.
Or it could be his daughters house and he is her lodger, either way something is off and he doesn’t want you to know.
His daughter is the boss and she won’t have another woman in the house.

Comedycook · 03/12/2024 16:37

Next time you drop him off or pick him up from there, say you need to use the toilet and can you nip in to use his loo...see what he says

MarmaladeSideDown · 03/12/2024 16:37

Wild stab in the dark...

Is there any chance at all that he is trapped in an abusive relationship? It is not unknown for adult dc to be abusive or highly manipulative towards their widowed parent, and exert coercive / financial control over them.

SkyGrant · 03/12/2024 16:36

Op You need to turn up his place unannounced on a Monday or Thursday or only have him around 3 or 4 nights on a particular week and then turn without warning and see the reaction!...

Good luck

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 16:36

IMO you need to talk to him and say you're unhappy with the imbalance of the relationship.

It's 10 years since his wife died. He may have dated other women in that time and if they put up with his 'not under my roof' fair enough. But you don't have to.

I can see it might be awkward being intimate with his daughter around. But that's his issue to deal with. Birds need to fly the nest.

oakleaffy · 03/12/2024 16:35

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:32

Family party's, grandsons football matches and giving lifts

Has his wife actually died?

He's not got her living in the attic ,with the 35 yr old ''Daughter'' as her carer? like in Jane Eyre?

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 16:33

You've been too accommodating OP.

Free food, heating, cuddles....what more could he want?

But nothing changes in his life.

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 16:32

bunnypenny · 03/12/2024 16:32

Re-read the OP’s first post….

Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit.

Got it. Sorry.

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