Elderly relative won't wear hearing aids. Stopping visits until he does?

I feel awful cuz it's not my mother's fault that she can't hear, but I find myself getting so frustrated when she can't hear me.

You do a lot! You need to take care of yourself as a single working parent as well. You and your children will not survive if you break down. I would institute the rule in your house snd see how it goes. He will either comply and it won’t make things better, will make things better, or it will cut down home visits to something manageable.

As someone bullied through childhood for wearing glasses, it's only recently that wearing glasses has become acceptable.

I completely understand your frustration. My parent is exactly the same. It actually causes issues as he 'mishears' and takes offence at things he imagines people said. He then gets stroppy in return. It can be really difficult as these perceived slights can cause ongoing rifts.

I understand you OP because it's hard for the person who has hearing problems, but it's also hard for the person going to visit them.

My mum constantly says "what" and I have to repeat everything I say. I find it really draining.

I think you are imagining hearing aids will miraculously make him be able to hear and join in. In my experience they made very little difference to my elderly GF. He still couldn’t hear well. As others have said the sound they create is not easy for the deaf person to tolerate.

I feel your pain. Visits with GF used to leave me with with a banging headache.
My solution - i have stopped trying to include him in as many conversations. He still enjoys being ‘present’ in our home. I actually consciously don’t shout any more but pause, to give him time to focus. Then I try again slowly in a normal tone of voice. If he says pardon again I point at his ears and say ‘you need to put your hearing aids in’. He grumbles. But still doesn’t put them in. His choice. So I shrug and I don’t repeat myself. We talk less but it is much less stressful all round. And if it’s something he really wants to know or hear he either concentrates and can hear better - or occasionally put his hearing aids in!!
Good luck - it’s hard work.

wear his hearing aids for a hour or two every couple of days so OP can visit and help him

That won't necessarily help. Audiologists are usually emphatic that you should wear aids all your waking hours in order for the brain to adapt to that way of hearing.

I do get it OP because my mum has very bad hearing.

It's extremely tiring to constantly have to shout and repeat yourself.

I find that a lot of hearing aids don't work that well either. Thought we eventually found her a pair that seemed to work a little bit.

How long is it since he had his hearing tested? Deafness isn't an on-off switch, if he's had the same hearing aids for several years, it's quite possible that his deafness his worsened and his aids aren't helping a great deal.

Secondly, hearing aids can themselves be a problem, certain noises can trigger them into producing squeals and squeaks in the ears which are a problem. If I'm playing a higher pitched musical instrument I have to turn my aids off *despite it being the higher pitches that are difficult for me to hear) because of all the squeaks and squeals. (It's not my playing - other people don't hear them).

Thirdly, deafness usually creeps up on you. With old age, everything doesn't simply go quiet. Your ability to hear certain frequencies drops, and if this is the high frequencies, which it often is, then you don't hear sounds like "s", "t", and it seems that people are mumbling and not speaking clearly. But other sounds you'll hear as clearly as ever, so you have no idea the problem is you not them

Finally, hearing isn't just about the mechanics of what goes on in the ear. It's also about how the brain interprets it. So if the aids don't seem to make any difference, and in fact make things worse (eg producing strange noises, or being uncomfortable) then you won't wear them, and your brain won't get used to interpreting the sounds from them.

So, stop badgering him to wear them. But stop enabling him by shouting at him and turning the TV loud. Make sure everyone speaks in normal voices around him, and use subtitles on the tv if he can't hear at normal volume. And then maybe he'll start to realise he has got a problem.

I don't know whether he'd be concerned about this - there's good evidence linking deafness to risk of dementia. My audiologist tells me the reason is that with deafness it is all too easy to let the conversation wash over you, or drop out of social events altogether, and it's this withdrawal the increases the dementia risk. That's my motivation for paying attention to my hearing and feeling like a 90 year old lady with hearing aids tucked behind both my ears!

My 92 year old dad was shocked when he went out to a coffee morning at the church and all the men who were 10 and 20 years younger than him all relied on their daughters for everything. My dad lives 2 .5 hours from me. He has no choice but to get on with things. He's just stopped driving but still gets the bus and gets taxis otherwise or walks!
My FIL is the same. He's 97. He is deaf and has a directional microphone with headphones that he uses as can't manage hearing aids as they are fiddly and he's partially sighted.

With the TV noise, I would say 'this is too loud for me, Grandad, I'll put the subtitles on' and then turn it down in my own house. In his house he can do what he likes.

As an aside - what if grandad wanted to smoke constantly in OP's house because it made him feel comfortable - would that be ok?

Or wanted to sit around in his underwear because it made him comfortable - would that be ok?

Sometimes/often we have to modify our behaviour to help others feel comfortable. In this case OP has put up with a lot. Time for grandad to wear the hearing aid for an hour

Hearing aids are not like wearing glasses, they often input very loud noises sometimes, the 'hum' is there, and often they are a last resort for people, it also depends if he has good ones or whatever the NHS has given him (which is better than it used to be but not necessarily top of the range). I know several people who use them, or rather don't use them, as they irritate their ears, don't deliver the kind of sound they find ok, or get infections a lot.

They don't seem easy to use and some people just prefer to go without than experience the above.

I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to wear them, but that's your decision. I wouldn't shout non-stop though, I'd communicate over food, but beyond that, just chat and if he can't hear, that's his decision too.

Why are you shouting at him for hours?

Just speak normally and if he can’t hear you, shrug your shoulders and carry on.

If you are at his house and the tv is on really loudly, turn it off. If he complains, you leave.

I come home utterly, utterly exhausted and frazzled to a crisp. Feel like crying much of the time. I just want to be somewhere peaceful and quiet but she’s getting very needy and has recently developed some serious health problems so I have to be there at least some of the time.

I’ve got a little respite completely by myself at the beach coming up this evening until Thursday afternoon and honestly it’s my oxygen mask, it’s that essential.

best to you and your mum and your grandad in your situation xx

My dad was like this. I always spoke normally to him, he always asked his wife what I was saying, she always bellowed "she's saying put your hearing aids in because she'sonly going to speak at a normal volume". So he always then put them in.

The only reason he didn't usually is because everyone pandered to him. Which was ludicrous!!!!

Stick to your guns, OP.

Wow people are being really harsh to OP. Why does grandad's want to not wear hearing aids trump OP's complete overwhelm at being shouted at for hours?

OP I think you're right. If he wants to come round, pop in the hearing aids. If he doesn't want to, that's ok but he'll be on his own.

Could you pop around to him for as long as you can manage and then say "sorry grandad, gotta go, my head is banging with all the shouting". Twenty minutes or whatever?

Just because he's old and doesn't want to wear his hearing aids doesn't mean he can get his own way. His choice is

1. don't wear his hearing aids but accept OP can't manage a visit
2. wear his hearing aids for a hour or two every couple of days so OP can visit and help him

Why is that a problem?

I have to wear hearing aids and have done for some considerable time (I'm 76). They are uncomfortable to wear for extended periods ime. I do wear them when members of the family are around but otherwise when at home rarely put them in. It does irritate DP as he sometimes has to shout but he is understanding. Perhaps you need to be more so with DGF.
As far as the TV is concerned I use subtitles rather than have it playing at full volume.

He’s old and likely struggling with his deafness. hearing aids only help so much.

But speaking as someone who just lost someone - don’t stop visiting. You don’t want regret on top of sadness.

Wear loop ear plugs and simply tell everyone to cease shouting. If he wants to hear he will use the aids (and likely find it less overwhelming if everyone isn’t shouting when he does). If he is content with company, the you can live life around him and he’ll feel included.