Page 8 | Elderly relative won't wear hearing aids. Stopping visits until he does?

TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow · 2024-12-03T11:22:26+00:00

Morning all, This might sound harsh but it's driving me up the bloody bend. My grandad is elderly, 82. He's frail now and has just given up his license. Between me and my mum we have a rota for all lifts needed, I have him round for dinner once a week and so does she. The load is shared between me, my mum and aunt. My nanny sadly passed away a few years back so we try and keep grandad busy as he can get lonely. He lives 5 doors up from my mum and I know she carries a huge load of this and she struggles so I really try and help out as much as I can between having young DC, working full time as a single parent etc. grandad grates on mum sometimes as he won't even bother opening his mail he will just trundle round to mums while she's WFH and give her the envelopes. She's on a bit of a journey with asserting boundaries with this, as he's quite bone idle as it is and my nanny did everything for him so there's aspects that probably won't change now. Anyway more to the point, he is profoundly deaf. But he never wears his bloody hearing aids! His excuse is 'his ears are blocked so what's the point' and 'he can hear perfectly well without them..' well the only reason he can hear is because we are shouting at him. The TV is on 3/4s of the max volume. It's bloody exhausting. I'm autistic and struggle with loud noises at the best of times. He doesn't know I'm autistic as he doesn't believe in any of that and said 'it's no different to when I take DD to soft play with loud noises'. Anyway, I personally think it's rude and so antisocial to go to peoples houses, be fed and looked after and expect everyone to shout at him. Just put the bloody hearing aids in! I've now said to grandad that he cannot come round or ask for help unless he's wearing his hearing aids. This hasn't gone down well with him, of course. I'm conscious with mum now getting even more of the load as I've put that boundary in place. I have suggested that she also has the same boundary she maybe it'll make him realise. She is thinking about doing the same thing. AIBU? I think it's rude to come into someone else's home and expect everyone to shout when there's an easy fix. Shouting at someone and having to repeat yourself for 2-3 hours I find utterly exhausting, I come away feeling really overwhelmed and honestly can't wait to drop him back. I know that's probably due to my ND but I just can't do it anymore. He won't wear them because he 'doesn't need them.' We've asked if they hurt or are too loud and he said they're fine. AIBU? What else can we do? Thank you!

FacingTheWall · 03/12/2024 12:32

In the same way that you’re experiencing overwhelm, hearing aids can do that to people who are not used to hearing. It can be exhausting and incredibly uncomfortable to suddenly have a lot more auditory input to process. That’s not to say he can’t get used to them by increasing his tolerance slowly, but it’s not as simple as just wearing them.

JedwardScissorhandz · 03/12/2024 12:32

You realise you can't just shove in a couple of aids and miraculously hear like you did aged 16, yes?
They take a lot of getting used to, they are overwhelming and even somewhat scary and a lot of people would rather struggle on than persevere for the few months it takes for them to become normality.

Even when used to them it's an ongoing challenge to seat them right, to find volume levels and as hearing degenerates to have them reset again and again.

It's not a magic key. I have profound hearing loss in one ear and moderately severe in the other. The best hearing aids in the world aren't fixing that and I will still struggle.
I'm relatively young. Thankfully my family are accommodating of my issues.

Lallydallydune · 03/12/2024 12:32

TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow · 03/12/2024 12:31

My mum spent thousands on hearing aids because the wait time was very long where we are.

We live rurally and the hospital has so many patients and it's completely overrun.
My mum and myself were desperate for some respite and desperate for him to start hearing us. So she bought his hearing aids in the hope that he would wear them. He promised his he would.

I do have autonomy, of course. But this is a man who is refusing ANY sort of outside help. He won't let carers in and if they do come in, he verbally abuses them and they leave. Tried and tested. There is no real other help out there. Other than to sell his house and put him into a care home. Which ultimately we will need to do at some stage as us as a family are falling apart at the seams.

Why does his needs trump us who are looking after him? Being elderly isn't a faux pass to take the piss out of the people caring and helping him.

Show quote history

I totally understand.

Looking after an elderly person is very very hard.

And then we feel the guilt because obviously they can't help being weak and old aswell.

Original poster

TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow · 03/12/2024 12:31

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 03/12/2024 12:24

I genuinely don't know what you want people to say to be honest @TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow .

You can either just cut him off completely, which seems breathtakingly cruel for such an elderly gentleman on his own - or do the sensible thing and turn the television down a little bit and put the subtitles on, and just train yourself to speak louder around him. This is what I have always done with people who are hard of hearing. If he won't wear the hearing aids you can't force him.

And maybe just visit him a little bit less, maybe start with two thirds of the amount of visits you're doing now, so you're still seeing him, but you're still getting plenty of time to yourself, and your own family, and your own life ...

You have agency, you have autonomy, you don't have to be his servant you know. You can pull back, and do as little as you want. But the genie is well out of the bottle now, and you (and other family members including his own wife - your nan) have enabled your grandad's behaviour.

There is nothing you can do about it now. You won't change him. You and your family need to manage him now, and continue to look after him. You can't just stop seeing him. The only other option is to look into a care home for him. But if he refuses to wear his hearing aids, I would imagine he is not very likely to agree to moving into a care home!

By the way, why on earth did your mum spend multiple thousands on a pair of hearing aids for your grandad when they're free on the NHS? My cousin aged 64 just got a pair on the NHS. He only waited 4 months from the first visit to the GP to getting the hearing aids - free batteries, free tubes, free consultations, free everything that goes along with having hearing aids.

The exact ones he has, Specsavers tried to sell him for £2500 earlier in the year. Did your mum not know NHS do them for free?

My mum spent thousands on hearing aids because the wait time was very long where we are.

We live rurally and the hospital has so many patients and it's completely overrun.
My mum and myself were desperate for some respite and desperate for him to start hearing us. So she bought his hearing aids in the hope that he would wear them. He promised his he would.

I do have autonomy, of course. But this is a man who is refusing ANY sort of outside help. He won't let carers in and if they do come in, he verbally abuses them and they leave. Tried and tested. There is no real other help out there. Other than to sell his house and put him into a care home. Which ultimately we will need to do at some stage as us as a family are falling apart at the seams.

Why does his needs trump us who are looking after him? Being elderly isn't a faux pass to take the piss out of the people caring and helping him.

OP posts:

Lallydallydune · 03/12/2024 12:31

I find my mother's hearing aids to be so useless that I've actually started using a bit of sign language with her.

It works better.

You know I'll say "did you leave your keys in the car".

And at the word "keys" I'll point to the door keyhole.

And at the word "car" I'll mimic driving a car.

ArchMemory · 03/12/2024 12:30

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/12/2024 11:41

It sounds like your grandma enabled him for many years by fulfilling the "woman" role of doing absolutely everything while he sat on his arse.

Your mother does not have to step into that role.

It sounds like this to me too.

But I also think it will be hard for him to change. And he might just decide not to.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 03/12/2024 12:29

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/12/2024 12:25

I agree - he can't even be bothered to open his own mail! Being elderly is not an excuse for not opening an envelope. I used to deal with my father's mail. His cognitive ability declined (though he was totally unaware fo this) to the extent that he couldn't understand what business letters were saying to him, and was spending so long reading all the t&cs that he missed deadlines for payment.

Opening mail and then passing business letters to someone else to read/advise is different to not actually bothering to open it.

lateatwork · 03/12/2024 12:29

This thread has prompted me to start learning BSL. I really want conversations to continue when I can't hear so well. I know it's going to be key to my contentment.

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/12/2024 12:27

If he's getting a lot of earwax, that may be why his hearing aids aren't helping. A tiny plug of earwax over the central hole cuts the sound completely.

MissMoneyFairy · 03/12/2024 12:27

It's frustrating but I'd use subtitles on the TV, use a blackboard or notepad and keep the conversation to a minimum, there's no point in shouting, it doesn't help anyone.

AudiologistHere · 03/12/2024 12:27

OnlyinBlackandWhite · 03/12/2024 12:03

Hearing aids are not like wearing glasses, they often input very loud noises sometimes, the 'hum' is there, and often they are a last resort for people, it also depends if he has good ones or whatever the NHS has given him (which is better than it used to be but not necessarily top of the range). I know several people who use them, or rather don't use them, as they irritate their ears, don't deliver the kind of sound they find ok, or get infections a lot.

They don't seem easy to use and some people just prefer to go without than experience the above.

I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to wear them, but that's your decision. I wouldn't shout non-stop though, I'd communicate over food, but beyond that, just chat and if he can't hear, that's his decision too.

Not trying to be rude but your comment about 'whatever the NHS fit' is really rude. The NHS hearing aids are the same as private ones. Unless you're actually an Audiologist then I doubt you have any idea what constitutes a good hearing aid.

OP, the beat was for your grandad to get used to his aids is to start wearing them at home when it's quiet as opposed to when he's with company. If he only wears them part time he will never fully acclimatise.

Rosebud21 · 03/12/2024 12:26

It's exhausting. YANBU

Help him to clear his own ear wax by following this advice, it may take more time to soften the wax than stated below

www.nhs.uk/conditions/earwax-build-up/

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/12/2024 12:25

I agree - he can't even be bothered to open his own mail! Being elderly is not an excuse for not opening an envelope. I used to deal with my father's mail. His cognitive ability declined (though he was totally unaware fo this) to the extent that he couldn't understand what business letters were saying to him, and was spending so long reading all the t&cs that he missed deadlines for payment.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 03/12/2024 12:24

I genuinely don't know what you want people to say to be honest @TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow .

You can either just cut him off completely, which seems breathtakingly cruel for such an elderly gentleman on his own - or do the sensible thing and turn the television down a little bit and put the subtitles on, and just train yourself to speak louder around him. This is what I have always done with people who are hard of hearing. If he won't wear the hearing aids you can't force him.

And maybe just visit him a little bit less, maybe start with two thirds of the amount of visits you're doing now, so you're still seeing him, but you're still getting plenty of time to yourself, and your own family, and your own life ...

You have agency, you have autonomy, you don't have to be his servant you know. You can pull back, and do as little as you want. But the genie is well out of the bottle now, and you (and other family members including his own wife - your nan) have enabled your grandad's behaviour.

There is nothing you can do about it now. You won't change him. You and your family need to manage him now, and continue to look after him. You can't just stop seeing him. The only other option is to look into a care home for him. But if he refuses to wear his hearing aids, I would imagine he is not very likely to agree to moving into a care home!

By the way, why on earth did your mum spend multiple thousands on a pair of hearing aids for your grandad when they're free on the NHS? My cousin aged 64 just got a pair on the NHS. He only waited 4 months from the first visit to the GP to getting the hearing aids - free batteries, free tubes, free consultations, free everything that goes along with having hearing aids.

The exact ones he has, Specsavers tried to sell him for £2500 earlier in the year. Did your mum not know NHS do them for free?

lateatwork · 03/12/2024 12:21

Not being able to communicate is very isolating.

Some people, like you, have no patience to repeat things. So conversation starts to wain.

From what my dad tells me, wearing hearing aids isn't like wearing glasses- where things become clearer and it's almost like before. With hearing aids, everything changes. The sound is different. Comfort is key. Knowing how to adjust also key. I'd take him to a specialist or get someone who is successfully wearing them to have a chat to him.

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/12/2024 12:20

OP, I understand you are doing a lot. I used to do a similar amount for my father, and I know how wearing it is.

There are a couple of things I would do differently:

I wouldn't be shopping twice a week for him. Once a week is manageable. Click and collect is a lot less effort than taking him shopping (My dad could take three hours getting less than £20 worth of goods from a supermarket) so you're right to be doing that.

Can you train him to use a taxi for his cafe meet up? Set up an account with a local taxi firm so he doesn't have to faff around paying on every journey? Madness for you to have to kick your heels for an hour. Similarly for other lifts.

Is he getting attendance allowance? If he's needing that much support, he may qualify, and that might enable you to pay for a cleaner to change his sheets for him.

have you discovered the Elderly Parents board on here? Supportive board full of people with similar experiences who can understand where you're coming from.

Original poster

TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow · 03/12/2024 12:20

@Lallydallydune - he says he doesn't need them, that he can hear perfectly fine, and the contradicts that and says his ears are blocked so his aids don't work.

His ears aren't blocked, he's just had them assessed.

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 03/12/2024 12:19

TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow · 03/12/2024 12:16

I'm honestly at breaking point 😢

You don’t need anyone’s permission to take care of yourself. You have to do it. If he misses conversation with you that much he can make it more pleasant for you! That’s good training at 8 or 82 (my own father is 92 and wears his hearing aids religiously.)

Lallydallydune · 03/12/2024 12:17

TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow · 03/12/2024 12:16

I'm honestly at breaking point 😢

When you're round his and you tell him to wear them, what does he say?

Original poster

TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow · 03/12/2024 12:16

I'm honestly at breaking point 😢

OP posts:

Original poster

TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow · 03/12/2024 12:15

@MereDintofPandiculation

Yes, his ears still match the prescription. Me and my mum have been ferrying him about to many appointments for his ears so we can absolutely rule out any excuse of 'they're not right / ears are blocked / need a different prescription.

To the posters saying it's not an easy fix, I know this. But I have been around my grandad on the extremely rare occasions where he has worn the hearing aids, and the difference is huge. I don't get overstimulated and he can hear the conversations and I don't get shouted 'WHAT? WHAT? HUH? Finish your sentences properly Charlotte!!'
Constantly..

OP posts:

OnlyinBlackandWhite · 03/12/2024 12:14

I've read your other posts more carefully now and I think the issue of hearing aids is not the main one. You are acting as his carer when you have your own children, are a single mum and have had chemo recently- this is not ok. It's not his fault, it's not your fault. No wonder you find his shouting overwhelming, I would find having to care for another whole person overwhelming (with your mum) when you have so much on. I think getting him reassessed by social care is important, plus thinking about buying him in help. He won't like it, he'd rather you and your mum do it, but again, that's where your firmness in your own boundaries will have to come in. You cannot do it all, and he does need help even if he has to pay for it. Then the once a week meal with the deafening TV can be addressed, but the bigger issue is the amount of care you are doing to your own detriment. I'm not saying it's easy though, as getting care is like getting blood out of a stone, but for your own wellbeing you have to.

Lallydallydune · 03/12/2024 12:13

VictoriaEra · 03/12/2024 12:09

I completely understand your frustration. My parent is exactly the same. It actually causes issues as he 'mishears' and takes offence at things he imagines people said. He then gets stroppy in return. It can be really difficult as these perceived slights can cause ongoing rifts.

Yes when I talk to my mum, she hears what I've said wrong.

And she answers something different. And I try to figure out what she thought I said

It's not easy for our elderly parents either.

And one day it'll be us with the terrible hearing. And everyone will be frustrated and shouting at us.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 03/12/2024 12:13

TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow · 03/12/2024 11:42

People can be bone idle at any age? Being elderly doesn't make you exempt from it.

Show quote history

I agree - he can't even be bothered to open his own mail! Being elderly is not an excuse for not opening an envelope.

OP - I think you're being reasonable. Just because someone is elderly, it doesn't mean their wishes trump everyone else's. My dad is late 70s and doesn't behave like this. He even opens his own mail!

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/12/2024 12:11

TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow · 03/12/2024 12:09

He last had his ears checked last week at boots, I took him to the appointment. He has them checked regularly.

And what was the result? Do his ears still match his prescription?