Elderly relative won't wear hearing aids. Stopping visits until he does?

Why are people 'ashamed' of hearing aids, but perfectly fine to wear glasses?

I think some elderly people go into absolute denial about their physical and mental decline.

That's why they refuse hearing aids and carers.

It's an "I don't need hearing aids sure I'm fine " attitude and and "I don't need carers sure I'm fine" attitude.

It probably comes from fear of getting older.

The real issue here is that you are at breaking point. The hearing aids are a red herring. You resent him because you think he is bone idle and taking the piss. Your nan pandered to him for years, but you don't need to.

Maybe try reframing your thinking. He is not going to change, but you can. You are not obliged to do everything for him. Pioritise your own wellbeing and that of your dc.

Dial back on what you do for him. Have a think about what is possible and set some boundaries for yourself.

We have the same thing with my MIL. She throws her hearing aids away. It is very frustrating. Anything really important I write down. Either on a piece of paper/ mini white board/ into notes on my phone and give to her to read.

I second this. At some point he will need to face up to the fact that external support is needed. Social services can provide support.

But my guess is that you do what you can to persevere and meet people half way, if you know what I mean. Some people just don't/ won't/ don't think they should have to/ feel like a special case.

Someone said something to me once that always stayed with me.

She said "I wasted the best years of life looking after my elderly mother". Out of duty and guilt.

She said "by the time my mother was dead, I was 45 and all of my own life was wasted".

We don't exist to look after parents or grandparents. It is a carers responsibility.

I missed your update about him not doing anything for himself when you and your DM stepped away - I would seriously consider stepping away and reporting to adult social services and his GP when he refuses to do anything for himself and creates a welfare issue. You will have to have absolutely solid boundaries with adult SS though that you will not step into the breach.

Another thing to consider s that people with hearing loss who have hearing aids but don't use them are at very high risk of dementia eg my MIL who can't hear a thing but is perfectly fine....

I just read your OP again. You said you, your mum and your aunt are all looking after your grandfather.

First of all, why are you all looking after him. You don't have to. You are doing too much for him and you are enabling him.

If you stop doing so much for him, he will have to get a carer to help him

Deafness is difficult and exhausting- exhausting for people trying to communicate, too. He should wear his hearing aids. If he refuses, just speak and carry on as though he is wearing them and can hear. Make no concessions at all, don’t speak louder, don’t repeat. His choice

I am ND and have hearing loss and I feel your pain, OP!

Getting overstimulated from loud noise all the times makes me want to climb out of my own skin. Will definitely trigger a meltdown for me in the end.

I don't love wearing hearing aids and they do take time to get used to, but I do because ... I can't hear properly otherwise!

My MIL hardly ever wears hers and I absolutely will not pander to it and she will put them in around me. She is generally lovely, and we get on well, but I do find that with her, and a few other people who've needed hearing aids as they got older, that there's a bit of underlying, probably unintentional disablism in there. Like admitting to a disability makes them "lesser" somehow. I have two other friends who've used hearing aids for years like me and they are not like that. I realise that's just ancedotal, but it is my experience!

You're doing a lot for your DGD already and as a single parent and going through chemo I absolutely take my hat off to you. I can't imagine how you are managing to keep all those balls up in the air. You sound bloody amazing.

I am not surprised you are reaching breaking point. You need to protect yourself for the sake of your own health and the sake of your DC. You are absolutely right to put in place reasonable boundaries. Asking him to wear hearing aids is a reasonable boundary.

If you put in place a boundary and he then turns to your DM - that is not your responsibility. It's so, so hard, I've been in a similar situation, but all you can do with that is support your DM in enforcing her own reasonable boundaries.

Sometimes, people we love and who are overall lovely are entitled. From your updates, your DGD sounds entitled (it sounds like he is compos mentis: my advice would be a bit different otherwise).

He was pandered to my your DGran and now he expects the same of your and your DM. That is not OK. He may be elderly, but he is still an adult and has to take responsibility for himself too. If he needs carers, but refuses them, you and DM need to stand firm and not step into the breach. His choice whether to accept carers or to struggle on, but he does not get to choose to make you and your DM suffer trying to do the caring work that is clearly too much for you.

Good luck, OP.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, he sounds like he's been indulged and not had to take responsibility. I think you know when someone is struggling but trying to help themselves vs when someone just expects everyone else to accommodate them - I'd trust your instincts. He's elderly but so are lots of people who get their hearing aids in even when they don't like them and make an effort!

Stop raising voices to try and accommodate him. If he pretends he can hear that's his choice. He may eventually choose to use his aids, but you'll have to hold your boundary a while!

YANBU!
My FIL does that and then wonders why the children don’t have a relationship with him - because you can’t hear what they say to you so of course they go to someone else. What irritates me is that he will put them on when he is watching a film on his own but then take them when we eat together, basically he is not interested in hearing us.

My dad on the contrary wears his all the time, it took a lot of trials until he could find the right ones for him but once found he said it was amazing. I don’t know if they all do that but his could connect to his phone / the tv etc

I don't go through it as much as you. I live in a different country to my mum.

However when I go to visit her she expects me to do absolutely everything for her. She's 76.

I have set boundaries with her.

OP not to be harsh but YOU also need to change your behaviour.

You don't have to be at your grandfather's beck and call. Stand up to him. You don't have to do everything for him.

My father imagined all sorts of scenarios, to being imprisoned for non-payment of bills - I would understand if he'd stopped opening envelopes which were only going to cause him stress. I don't think it's sensible to ascribe something to "being too lazy" unless you have looked for and eliminated all other reasons.

OP it's not your responsibility to look after your grandad.

Just stop doing it and tell him he needs to get a carer.

I think looking after an elderly person is an extremely hard thing to do. And a lot of us are not able for it

So many elderly people refuse to have carers come in and help them, but then they just expect their child or grandchild to look after them.

No, we are not carers.

@TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow YABU, I have hearing aids and don't wear them alot for numerous reasons.

They cause excess wax buildup, they cause my ears to itch after a while (I have tried many different cones and types).
They can have distortion at times especially in wind ect, in certain situations they can add to being overwhelmed by sounds.

They are not a fix all and you should not be judging someone on their use.

YWBU to give him this sort of ultimatum based on the hearing aids.

YWNBU to consider your own boundaries and what you feel able to do for him, bearing in mind all your other commitments. It sounds as if it’s the caring and responsibility and time that are the issues, and the hearing aids are just the straw that broke the camels back. But I think there’s a danger here that you end up justifying stepping back a bit based on his refusal to wear hearing aids- ie it’s his fault- and that isn’t fair. It is nobody’s fault really- he needs a lot of care and understanding and too much of that is falling on you. Maybe better to work out what you would be happy with in terms of time spent and commitment, and then see what other options there are to fill the gaps. I suspect when you’re not feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility generally the hearing aid issue will seem less troublesome.