Elderly relative won't wear hearing aids. Stopping visits until he does?

You need to speak normally, if not a little quieter than normal. Have the television on at normal volume. Stop making concessions for him and he will realise he needs to wear his hearing aid.

It's exhausting straining to hear as well. I'm 74, suddenly went deaf with COVID September 2023, went to my GP,was told 3 months wait for audiology appointment. I bought amplifiers online, about as big as my little finger nail. I can just about manage an hour,they really hurt. If you touch your hair,they go up a level, loudness doesn't always work it's pitch. Then I got wireless headphones for the TV, you have to get up the app on the TV,then I have to wait for dialogue, because the title music of say a film is really loud. Then the volume has to be adjusted on the TV. I have to wear glasses for distance,so have to wear them for TV, with the headphones over top,it hurts.I use subtitles if available,they aren't foolproof either. Guess what, I had my audiology 3 months appointment last week, over a year, now I have to wait for the tinnitus clinic appointment, and then for hearing aids. My family get annoyed with me. My late father would be in his 90s now, and he never made so much as a cup of tea in his life. That was normal in the 30s and 40s. Men didn't set foot in the kitchen. I sympathise in some ways, when my DM died,df remarried, she died,I remarried,had a baby at 41, worked ft nights nursing ironically, only child, ended up looking after him terminally ill, after working a 12.5 night shift, and he lived 40 miles away.

If you wear them with pride you are supremely unhelpful and ridiculous.
If you refuse to wear them you are stubborn.

No win for those who don't fit into the full hearing category! And I can hear the derisory tone on the page even though I'm bloody deaf!

Aids can be adjusted, the dome can often be too big (the bit that goes in the ear canal). The mike can be too heavy (back of the ear). The feedback might need to be adjusted (the whistling sound).

Most of them can be fixed to suit. Provided you go back to audiology of course.

You have nothing to be ashamed of @TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow You're just frustrated and tired and angry and weary. And it's not surprising. Hope it all works out.

I had a friend who’d refuse to wear hearing aids. She told me they’d make her deafness worse , then that her hearing was fine and she didn’t need hearing aids.
it got to the stage where I’d have to write things down when I visited.
And then she couldn’t hear the phone or doorbell if I rang or went round, so I was unable to talk to her. She wouldn’t give me a door key.
I tried notes through the door, but I’ve now decided to step back.
I did get social services involved because I was worried she was so vulnerable, but she won’t give them a key..

That's a bit harsh. I don't use earbuds or such, because they just hurt my ears.
With his ears blocked, presumably they're very uncomfortable for him.

Turn the tv down when you go, and tell him you can't stand the noise so he can bear the inconvenience while you visit.

Yes we need to stand up to the system!

My mum had a fall and went into a nursing home for respite. At the time i lived three hours away from her. I travelled to see her about five times.

My brother lived thirty minutes away from her.

My aunty rang me and shouted at me that I wasn't doing enough for my mother. She made me feel so awful. Like I was a piece of sh#t

She would never even think of ringing my brother and telling him to do anything. Because he's a precious man and I'm a lowly woman.

I did strongly stand up to my aunt on that occasion as I could envision my mum getting older and my aunt constantly shouting at me for years that I'm not doing enough for her. I strongly stood up to my aunt so I don't think she'll do it again.

I said to my aunt "I'm working full time, I don't live near my mother, I can't magically be with her in her house when she comes out of the nursing home, she needs to get a carer".

OP I think you are getting lot of stick from posters who have no idea what it is like to have responsibility for a selfish, lazy elderly person.

I got to the point that you are at with my parent; no conversation due to not wearing hearing aids, and people thinking they had dementia as they pretended to hear and understand things that they hadn't.

My parent won't do anything for themselves and is incredibly self centred and self absorbed. They actually liked the idea of carers as it was people to wash the pots and make tea. I had to arrange every single aspect of that.

All my love and respect has disappeared, it is now a chore dealing with them. Instead of lovely memories and being happy to help them in their old age, I'm left with resentment and frustration. The difference between can't and won't with an elderly person really affects your relationship with them.

@madaboutpurple · Today 11:27

The problem is some people seem ashamed to use a hearing aid. I think you are being harsh on your Grandad to be truthful.

@Havalona · Today 13:05

Have to jump in here without reading any further! I am in my 60s now, and have gradually lost most of my hearing over the years due to meningitis and now older age lol. I absolutely love my hearing aids and wear them with pride. I wear my hair up and they are fully visible and I don't give a shit. My life has been transformed since needing to use them about 6 or so years ago.

How supremely unhelpful. 🙄 Bully for you if you absolutely LOVE wearing your hearing aids, and 'wear them with pride', shoving your hair out of the way so everyone can see them!

What a ridiculous comment really!

People are different, and some people feel embarrassed to wear them, and some people struggle to wear them for physical reasons. They find them uncomfortable and itchy and unpleasant, and struggle with the levels of noise and sounds. And as has been said by a few posters, they actually hurt some peoples ears! They are a wonderful creation, but they don't work for everyone!

I can tell you that you're wrong. The problem is that hearing aids don't give you back perfect hearing, you still can't follow group conversations or hear what people are saying if there's no background noise. You still have to lipread a lot. And the biggest bugger of all, you have to learn to use them and it takes time and concentration. What's more, with presbyacusis (age-related hearing loss) the first thing that goes is the high frequencies so it DOES sound as though people are mumbling.

Try to be a little more sympathetic. Everyone who lives long enough is likely to experience some degree of hearing loss. I've been deaf since my teens and I am now seeing my peers start to suffer from hearing loss. For once I'm a bit ahead of the game because it's not new to me as it is to them. I still try to be sympathetic though. People take good hearing for granted and it's difficult when it's taken away from you.

I used to work in a nursing home and once had to attend a hospital clinic with a resident to get hearing aids fitted. The audiologist explained that it doesn't just amplify the sounds you want to hear, it amplifies all of them and after years of deafness, there is a huge sensory overload when you put them in. When I tried wearing one, I lasted about 30 seconds as it was unbearable!

He needs to wear them little and often so he gets used to them. Gentle encouraging should help and I would also look at getting his ears syringed.

I think mine never tried hers on.

As I said, it's always the women who are expected to be the carers isn't it?!

Hearing aids take a while to learn to get used to, particularly if you start when hearing loss is quite advanced or when you're suffering cognitive decline. Most people can't successfully wear them "occasionally", it's quite all-or-nothing. But is it that HE is overwhelming you, and the hearing aid issue isn't all that's the problem.

Because this can't go on - you have way too much to deal with, and his hearing is only a part of it.

The childlike dependence is likely anxiety as he realises he's not what he once was.

He wont accept a carer. OK, but could you organise a "cleaner" for him who will be there when shopping is delivered, will make his lunch, do the washing, etc?

Or, have you looked into assisted living? Somewhere that does communal meals but not care. What situation are the friends he meets for lunch in? Do they have carers or family who mind them?

Yes - I'm shocked at the pasting the OP is getting. She is doing so much, and has such a lot on her plate (including chemo).

Yes, it is important to make allowances and help where you can, but you have to put your own life jacket on first! The OP and her mother are going to burn out and get ill at this rate.

He needs to accept carers, and if that means social services involvement, then that is what is needed. It is not reasonable for women to be expected to grind themselves into the ground providing care and to always put their own needs last.

I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable, we had this with my dad who also denied he was deaf and used to accuse us of mumbling all the time. No matter how much you love and help them they should also show willing and not make everyone else’s life difficult by being so stubborn and refusing to help themself.

^^ This. In spades.

My mum says she won't use her hearing aids as they really hurt her ears.

Maybe they need to design better ones.

There's been a lot of threads on here recently where women are writing that they are absolutely exhausted looking after male relatives. One woman wrote yesterday that she was looking after her brother.

To the women that do this, you don't HAVE to do it. You are also not helping other women, by doing it.
You are keeping the old fashioned system going that says that women need to care for all men , to the point of ruining their own lives.

Say no. Let him get a carer.

I do so feel your pain. My mum wouldn't use her hearing aids (though the situation wasn't half as bad as yours) and this meant that when her grandchildren came to visit her, she couldn't hear what they were saying. So they spoke to me. I mean, why? She'd had to wait a long time to have them, wouldn't she want them to communicate with her?

In general, yes, I do think you're being a bit harsh regarding his choice not to wear hearing aids, as you don't know what it's like to wear them. There could be several reasons he doesn't want to wear them, like they're painful or uncomfortable. If you're seeing him in his own home, I'd say it's inappropriate to tell him he has to wear his hearing aids if he doesn't want to.

But it's also fair to say what you're willing to do/not do in your own home, so if he's visiting you, I can understand you wanting him to wear them. Although rather than try to insist, I would do what @Jostuki suggested first.