Elderly relative won't wear hearing aids. Stopping visits until he does?

this

People hear 'old' and suddenly becomes 'sweet old dear who deserves nothing but support and can't possibly be blamed for anything or expected to do anything to help themselves' and guilt trip others into putting up with abuse that they'd be the first one to shout LTB at if it was OP's DH treating her like this.

Old people are as capable of being arseholes as anyone else.

Like the idiots who pop up on every difficult parent thread on here bleating, "You're so cruel. They won't be around forever. I would give aaaaaanything to be able to spend one more Christmas with my mum/dad/grandad."

They think they are the kind and considerate ones and people trying to put in boundaries are the nasty ones, without realising they are only exhibiting their complete lack of empathy and their inability to understand that just because their parent was a kind, caring, mother/father, not everyone's was.

If anything you putting in boundaries ad standing up for yourself is kinder to you, your mother and your own DC, as it demonstrates what a healthy familial relationship is, rather than continuing the cycle of 'men are incompetent and women's role is to help them.'

4….put the subtitles on when he watches tv

It’s really important he starts using his hearing aids, if only with you or your mum. Not being able to have a conversation will start the road to dementia.
And what do the neighbours think about the tv volume? If they complained, he’d need to sort it as well ….

You said she should make concessions due to age though?

And I said no, not if he was selfish all his life. And now his wife has died (who did everything for him), he's putting the burden of care on his daughter and granddaughter.

There are loads of charities and carers that can help him.

It's not the granddaughters responsibility.

Then it’s not going to get better at 82, is it?

But the OP said that her grandfather was lazy and selfish all his life.

Did you miss that part?

Can you lay off her.

What's your thoughts on her grandfather never doing a thing for himself in his life. And the grandmother did everything for him?

He can't expect women to do everything for him. And neither should you.

That utmost respect and love isn’t coming out in your post. It’s probably not coming out in your RL interactions either!

It does actually because capacity to do all kinds of things diminishes with age. My dad couldn’t cope with his mail as he got older. I think you’re being completely unreasonable and not making any concessions to his age.

Yes!

Too many men see women as servants and expect women to be running round after them. Because it suits them.

When women say no, its always good. You're not anyone else's servant.

“Boundary” the MN catch-all phrase for terrible behaviour.

Yes I agree it is very hard for people with disabilities, and it's very scary to lose your hearing, but the thing you're forgetting is that it's not the granddaughters responsibility to look after her grandad. She has a child to look after.

And also do you see where she wrote in her opening post, that he has never done a thing for himself, that he got her granny to do everything for him. So he was a selfish man already.

Don't let anybody put the guilt trips on you. They can piss right off. Your life. Your choices.

Making a plan is a good idea. You might also get some tips from Age UK about handling a stubborn old git who is refusing help unless it's from a female relative (because that's their duty, right?).

What happens when (if?) you and your mum go on a fortnight holiday? That's an interesting scenario to consider and might help put things into place while you're making your plan.

OP, when you are caring for someone, as you and your mum both are, the first and most important rule is to look after yourself. You sound like you are at breaking point and it's no good risking your own health - including your mental health, especially when you are a single parent with your own child to take care of. Working out a plan with your mum for you all to step back a bit sounds ideal. Don't be afraid to involve social services as a PP suggested. My MiL didn't want to accept carers, but she would accept a cleaner, and eventually a 'home help' who would do whatever jobs were needed on the day she visited. Definitely look into attendance allowance if you aren't already getting it as it could pay for this help. Being a carer is exhausting and I wish you the best.

You did ask if you were being harsh in your OP!

You asked if it was rude for him to come round and to be catered for with his disability and his problems with his HAs in your OP.

He might think you’re the rude one, always shouting and berating him for not wearing his aids, but not realising communication is two-way and you need to reframe how you communicate with him.

I’m perfectly fine thanks. I gave you the benefit of my own lived experience and that of my Dad and countless other deaf people of all ages and backgrounds and states of hearing and communication styles that I’ve known all my life.

I also know that sometimes disabilities conflict - in my life I’ve met many people of different disabilities and there are some who are absolutely allies to each other because their individual struggles have taught them empathy and a willingness to accommodate each other.

There are others who can’t do this and are only concerned with their own disability and can’t accommodate others but want their own needs recognised. I find them hypocritical.

With your emphasis on your own needs you seem unwilling to accommodate your granddad. But actually if you do accommodate him, as I’ve suggested the sound level will go down, communication will be easier and your needs will be met. It will be less exhausting for you both.

Hello OP - your grandad sounds very like my late dad, who was in his 80s when he died earlier this year. Lived alone, wouldn't help himself, pretty much stone deaf, wouldn't wear his hearing aids, TV on full blast etc.

I appreciate how frustrating it is, especially when the solution is right sodding there!

An earlier poster suggested this and you weren't keen but tbh, the only that worked for me (me? Him?) was writing things down for him on a pad or small whiteboard. He would answer quite happily.

If that's going to drive you up the wall, maybe you could consider a voice-to-text app on your phone? I.e. you speak into the phone and then the screen displays a block of large-print to east under his nose.

For my dad, this final part of his life was lonely and miserable. Being further cut off, by not being able to hear the world around him or communicate properly, only served to increase his isolation.

Nothing to stop you banning your grandad from your house if you honestly can't bear it - your house, your rules - but I know that if I'd done this, I'd be consumed with guilt and regret now. As infuriating as my dad was, I loved him very much and I miss him terribly. Not trying to make you feel bad - just being truthful.

I don't think they have really put enough research into hearing aids.

A lot of them don't seem to work.

Hearing aids are uncomfortable, and even the best ones don't provide the kind of clarity natural hearing does. After a certain age, they can become rpetty ineffective in my experience. I agree he should wear them. It's importnat for keeping his brain active that he ehars properly. But he's 80. Be a bit patient.

He's frail, he's 82, and you're refusing to let him come round or ask for help? You do realise that it isn't going to be a problem for much longer, don't you?

Accept him for the way he is now. Don't leave yourself in the position where three or four years down the line you're thinking, 'I wish I hadn't said that to my grandfather,' but are not able to change it.