Elderly relative won't wear hearing aids. Stopping visits until he does?

It's nice to support family, but no one is entitled to be actively obstructive and run their family into the ground. If it was just struggling to adjust to the hearing aids that would be understandable, but it's much bigger than that; he won't accept external help and his behaviour to OP, her mum, his deceased wife and the contrast when he "behaves" when OP's dad is around shows a deeply ingrained misogeny.

OP only give what you can afford to give- you have your own needs and responsibilities. If the positions were reversed, he wouldn't support you extensively would he?

Specsavers or Boots will clean his ears for £50.

OP your not being unreasonable. Look after yourself and your lovely mum x

My dad was profoundly deaf so can relate. Though he wasn't lazy. It was incredibly frustrating.

One thing that helped was headphones while watching telly, as well as putting the subtitles on. Obviously this means this limits interaction further but at least you don't have tv at full volume.

Also can you use any text to speech app to save writing / shouting?

And then some hard truths with him about the stress you and your mum are under.

Yes, I also read that deafness can worsen dementia. It's very isolating. My mum is getting deaf now and I'm guessing it's hereditary. I'm going to learn BSL and ask the kids to do the same!

Huge sympathy OP. This is weaponised incompetence on his part.

I would be drawing a tough boundary but your mother and other female relatives need to do the same.

Not opening his own post, not writing his own cards … that’s an entitled old man taking advantage of female relatives. I am so sick of this sort of story.

You’re not his servants ffs!

YANBU - I agree you need to put boundaries in place that suit you. Don't stop seeing him but visit him at his house instead. My mum is deaf and has had hearing aids for years. Even with hearing aids it difficult to have a conversation without shouting so without I can't even imagine it.

Thanks OP I appreciate your reply. All I can suggest at this point is that you make it crystal clear to him that you're asking him to wear his aids not because he needs them, not because you want him to or think he should, but because you NEED him to wear them so that you don't have so much stress in your life. You know that when he wears them your stress levels go down, remind him of that so he knows you're not just looking to control him, you're asking for something you KNOW will help YOU. Can you position it as a good and kind thing he could do for you, regardless of whether it makes any difference to him? Though how you'll get the nuances of this across when he can't hear you, I'm not sure....

I think you mentioned earlier that you and your mum were going to take a short break, that sounds like a really good idea and I hope you can make it happen.

My dad was like this. In the end we got some small (A4 size) white boards and markers. If he couldn’t hear we’d write him messages on that. My dad knew his hearing was terrible though, but didn’t particularly want to communicate.

I'd ignore the poster calling you aggressive honestly.

There's always one critical person on a thread.

I don't think you're aggressive.

OP I really feel for you, you're in a very difficult position and you've clearly had as much as you can take. But I think you might consider that it's possible for your grandad to be lazy and bone idle AND for him to have a valid reason for not wanting to wear his hearing aids. The majority of posters may not agree but the majority of posters don't have any experience of wearing aids themselves. Part of the point of posting on an open forum is to get insights that aren't normally available to you. If you're going to discard the opinions of hearing aid users just because they're in the minority you're doing yourself a disservice.

I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting him to change. I do think you're unreasonable, or at least unwise, for insisting he wears his aids in your house when you have no idea what that might be like for him, and you're dismissing the people who are trying to explain to you.

The women can’t defend themselves blah blah line is pathetic. It has zero do to with your gender. It’s the tone of your responses to anyone who disagrees with you.

Giving an already grieving, lonely, probably scared elderly person an ultimatum is in my opinion a shitty thing to do. An hearing aids can be very disorientating to someone who has experienced hearing loss for a long time. It can take perseverance and patience. Again, your grandfather has autonomy over this decision however annoying it is for those around him.

You could ask his gp to assess for depression. He won’t tell you anything but might ask him to come in for a check up.

I’m short of time but could he be depressed? His lack of motivation or energy would suggest it’s possible.

FIL was just like this and I simply insisted ( nicely) that he wore them with us. He’d make a bit of a joke/ point about mentioning it as if I was very unreasonable and weird about it but no matter, they made a huge difference.

stick to your boundaries and also look at reducing what you’re doing. You must be exhausted.

take care.

Is it laziness or something else? Perhaps he's struggling with reading and understanding the letters? Or doesn't know what to do with them eg if it's a letter asking for information or a decision.

As people get older they lose resilience.

He might say he can't be bothered learning to use an iPhone when he means he finds it impossiblely difficult to understand and is too embarrassed to tell you.

I would imagine your mum has more understanding of this than you so it's not as easy for her to put in a boundary to protect herself when she knows her father is struggling.

Ar the same time I understand you are also struggling.
Rather than having your grandfather visit you for a few hours once a week, can you cook him some meals and take them round a couple nights a week? You could just pop in for half an hour, hear up the meals, do a quick tidy up and check on him and be off.

You could also offer more practical support to your mother to help her help him, then you're not in direct contact with him.

@another1bitestheduck

People hear 'old' and suddenly becomes 'sweet old dear who deserves nothing but support and can't possibly be blamed for anything or expected to do anything to help themselves' and guilt trip others into putting up with abuse that they'd be the first one to shout LTB at if it was OP's DH treating her like this. Old people are as capable of being arseholes as anyone else.

Like the idiots who pop up on every difficult parent thread on here bleating, "You're so cruel. They won't be around forever. I would give aaaaaanything to be able to spend one more Christmas with my mum/dad/grandad."

Yeah I have to admit, that last bit gets my goat. 'Be nicer! I would give anything to see my old dad/dear mum/grandad once more!'

It's so guilt-trippy and manipulative and passive aggressive, and I hate it. And I say that as someone whose parents both died some years ago. (And my grandparents died MANY years ago!)

Yes I would love to have my mom and dad back for Christmas, and it makes me sad that they're not here, but that doesn't mean other people aren't allowed to be pissed off and angry at their (living) parents, or grandparents!

.

He could be in the early stages of dementia too . Just not able to cope with things like post and writing cards.

Hi OP, I totally sympathise. My mother bought the best heating aids in the biz and she wasn't wearing them. It's taken a couple of years, but she is now wearing them regularly. She is about your grandads age.
I think for their generation, there is so much stigma around being deaf or having a special need.
It was so frustrating having to repeat things and ger louder. It was fucking horrendous. Especially when I was in a rush or very busy.
I had a chat with her and said it's the same as wearing glasses. Imagine having glasses, not wearing the glasses and then not being able to see.
I also took her to the audiologist and they explained about cognitive decline and how your hearing can actually get worse not wearing them.
It's so hard it's such a pain.