Elderly parents buying Xmas pressies for their adult children

How much care and support does your sister provide your mum? I’m struggling to understand how she’s accused as not doing much when she’s a full time carer for your mother?

You sound utterly miserable but you are the one living your life so maybe you are entitled to feel miserable. Personally I’d ask what they want to spend , give them one or two ideas and just leave them to it . If they say they want you to order it buy it ask them to transfer the money first - job solved and takes about 5 minutes of your time . If they say anything else just say I told you on x day .

I ask each member of my family what the would like, where it can be bought, colour and size. I would suggest that you do the same for them. It will take time now but it will save on disappointment and wasting time later.

Could you get excited about a particular gift set or a book and a bottle of wine? Op is there honestly nothing you like that you can grab easily and get excited over? You sound wrecked, could you get a cheap spa day for yourself or your nails done? They want a family Christmas and your family is the family of the family!

You all sound stressed and unfortunately it becomes tit for tat when parents become elderly and need caring for.

Re the gift I'd just say pick me up a voucher when they're doing their grocery shop for that shop.

I hadn't really let that sink in from your OP. If your sister is full time carer, then she deserves a day off! I've done the married, two kids, long commute, and I've done the part time carer to elderly parent, and the elder care took it out of me more than the childcare. I don't blame her for wanting one day a year off.

Though absolutely if you've you've had to deal with probate and distribution of assets you must be well in need of a break yourself.

I think you have to tell them you're exhausted (maybe not the reason why) and then turn around and tell them consequently you're not up to hosting Xmas. Also, you don't intend to do any more xmas shopping, so a voucher or 'surprise me' would be lovely. If they keep talking about up, refuse to engage and change the subject.

Your sister seems the main problem OP. Regardless, no Christmas present is a reasonable request by any adult.

I’ve just asked my mum to pay for me to get my hair done. Can you not do this? Is your sister getting any money from the relative that died?

I empathise OP.
I'm not an expert in this, but grey rock tenchinques help.
E.g. save up texts to reply just once a day at 5pm. Don't say more in reply than the minimum needed. Do them a v basic Xmas dinner/ just cook what you and DCs like etc...
Good luck!

Sounds like you are at the end of your tether with everything. I’d just drop the rope, say you are going out for Xmas dinner and they can come or not. Tell them not to buy you a present as you don’t want anything. Sometimes you need to protect you own MH - and don’t feel guilty, sounds like you have done more than enough for many years. Dont be a martyr - just start saying no.

It's good to get it out but I do think you are being a bit harsh on your sister. She lives with them full time and is their carer. That would be hard work.

I think a lot of mums have this sadly. You need to think of a practical solution to suit all. I have 3 suggestions that might help. 1) buy Amazon vouchers for everyone in your family from them.

2) do a secret Santa for the adults so you are only buying one present each (on their behalf)
3) Give your husband a 'wish list' and ask him to sort it as it spoils it for you.

It sounds like you've had a stressful year. Unless there is a backstory be kind to your sister as she has probably had one too.

Hope it all works out and you find some downtime.

Ask for a voucher towards a spa break sounds like you need it ❤️

I'm in this position.

I write a list. It's usually stuff that can be got from Tesco. I don't really care but it keeps the peace.

My MIL always gave me stuff that didn’t fit, not my style, or sometime weird random things. I asked for cash, which suits us both better! Life is too short to be getting riled over gifts.

Can you request subscriptions as gifts if they really want to get you something? Nice coffee or chocolate delivered once month, subscription for a magazine or similar for the kids? Then they can just give you the money and every month you can tell them how great the thing is?

So taking on the mental load?

Which is exactly the root of the problems OP is describing?

But you are not an only child……your sister is your mothers carer and without that you would likely have to take on that role yourself or feel guilt that you couldn’t…..as your mother ages, your sister will likely do more and more

I hear you OP - same situation here and I'm expected to tell my Mum and MIL what to get everyone else (MIL had tried the old I'll send them directly to you so you can wrap them trick as well). I have an Amazon wish list but they still bloody ask what i want. I now just say "a surprise" and repeat ad nauseum. It is not expecting too much of life that my own bloody mother can think of a present for me. Both mum and MIL can use the internet and both still drive. The other thing they try is telling me "oh but you are so good at presents" as if I'm going to fall for flattery. I work full time, DH and I host them every year. I am not martyring myself to this - it's the least they can bloody do.

Yes it was the anxiety, not working outside of the home and the preference for staying at home that made me wonder but if your Dad is, ND is highly genetic so I’d say it is a safe bet.

I think you are going to have to lower your expectations massively of them and by the sounds of things of yourself too or you will run yourself into the ground completely. If there is ND, it is a disability and will cause significant issues for them but for you too. ND is like MH in some ways in that it does not just affect the person with it, it affects those closest to them too. Don’t look to them to change look at what the current patterns of behaviour are and look at how you need to change you in those patterns. If it isn’t hosting Christmas, if it isn’t getting presents just figure out what you need to happen and focus on changing yourself, your actions, your expectations, your emotions.

I think if your sister is a full time carer for your mum then perhaps she sees herself as doing a lot of your share of that? Especially if she's disabled herself. I think the way that you talk about her, if she's a disabled person caring for your mother, it's harsh! Also it's a lot to ask her to go into town and shop for your present when surely you're able to pick yourself up something, just order it online to be delivered to their house?

This seems like the heart of the matter. Think you have to choose whether you want to put your foot down (with all the upset that involves) or keep playing along. Not easy. Do you never spend Christmas with your husband’s family?

how about a gift voucher easy to buy more fun for you to spend