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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Elderly parents buying Xmas pressies for their adult children

144 replies

ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout · 03/12/2024 10:36

I have an elderly parents (late 70s early 80s).
I am married with two school age children, husband, job, dog, extremely busy life. I have one sister (mid 40s) Unmarried, no kids, no job and still living with mother but due to my mothers ill health is now her full time carer. My mother has limited mobility, can walk but requires the use of a wheelchair if she is out of the house for a good few hours. My dad is in fairly good health but he lives on his own. I don’t live locally to either parent which is adding to my already daily stresses as they do need more help with things and it’s difficult for me to drop everything when needed but I do of course when it’s required. We have no other family in this country so it’s just us.
The last couple of years has been horrendous for me. As well as the above situation, I became responsible for another lone elderly relative (now deceased) who lived 70 miles away. He passed away last year and I had the job of emptying and selling his house and dealing with Probate and Will, which is still on going. In all that time have not had a break really at all.
Now, to Xmas. Given all that I’ve been dealing with, this year, my interest in Xmas has completely drained. For my entire married life, I have been expected to host my parents and sister. My sister has NEVER offered to do it and neither parents ever expect her to. It’s been a personal gripe of mine for many years.
Anyways, now I’ve been getting endless text msgs and phone calls from parents asking me what they should get me for Xmas. I don’t want anything. Reason? Because it becomes MY responsibility to organise my Xmas present from them. I have no energy for this. I understand my mum cannot be expected to go into town searching for a gift. But, both she and my sis refuse to use Amazon, my sis won’t go into town on her own, my Dad has no idea, but they still insist on buying me something. I hate the way it’s put on me. I have enough on my plate and I’d rather not have anything. Another thing they do, is they go and buy say clothes for my kids without checking if it what they want or fit, then when it has to be returned they hand the responsibility of it to me!
AIBU for insisting they DONT buy me anything?

OP posts:
VegTrug · 03/12/2024 18:18

Why is it such a big deal to add something to your supermarket shop and say “got it”

TheWonderhorse · 03/12/2024 18:09

LadyMary50 · 03/12/2024 12:23

No where has the OP said her sister is disabled.

Show quote history

She says she suspects ASD, which can be disabling.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 03/12/2024 16:32

MammmaG · 03/12/2024 12:12

The people saying it takes 5 minutes of her time live in cloud cuckoo. It doesn’t. It’s another job on her already huge list. It’s not just one gift is it? It’s the messaging. It’s her saying £20 in an envelope is fine. It’s them insisting it’s not. It’s her inability to choose something she actually wants because they won’t shop online. She’ll basically have to think of something, make sure it’s the right price, get it, get it to them before Christmas or wrap it up for them to give to her and then get the money off them. It defeats the whole purpose of it being a gift for her. It’s not. It’s a pain in the arse.

I empathise because with my family we just tell each other get A this or get B that and then I get it and exchange it with them with the things they have demanded I list. I’d much rather we were traditional, took a risk, purchased each other something without all the bloody messaging backwards and forwards in the weeks running up to Christmas. If you have 2 siblings who each have 2 kids and 2 parents on each side that’s 16 times you have to have that conversation. It’s bloody draining. And this year it started in November. I hate it!

Completely agree. We just don't buy for each other at all. Secret Santa for adults who will be at my parents on Christmas Day, kids secret Santa too. Job done

mondaytosunday · 03/12/2024 16:25

Just say what you would really love and appreciate is having Christmas dinner at theirs (don't know what this means for your dad unless he can come too).
So they will say no. Then you say ok but I'm not hosting this year. And I don't want to have to buy my own presents from you. You've asked and I've answered.
Then go and have a lovely Christmas without them. They may loan and groan, but you can take the moral high ground and said you've done your share and now heed a break.
I'm in my 60s, and looking back one thing I would change is holding back just to keep the image.

TowerBallroom · 03/12/2024 16:09

TeaInBed321 · 03/12/2024 15:00

Not really. Just giving my perspective.

I never said anyone should put up with endless shit from their family.

My brother found continuing any relationship with my mum into adulthood intolerable so cut her off. Right decision for him. We all found her death hard though. I'm allowed to express that.

Show quote history

The thread isn't about you though

thepariscrimefiles · 03/12/2024 15:16

TeaInBed321 · 03/12/2024 14:49

Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. You obviously did

I didn't actually

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I've just read your latest post about your relationship with your mum. It does sound very difficult and abusive and I'm very sorry you had to experience that.

However, you must realise that you wanting your mum back for just one more disfunctional, stressful and emotionally exhausting Christmas is a very unusual response and most people with experience of abusive childhood and adult Christmases don't feel that way.

TeaInBed321 · 03/12/2024 15:00

DowntonFlabbie · 03/12/2024 14:46

Dont do that. It's SO self absorbed and dickish..... "My mum's dead and I miss her so you should put up with more years of endless shit from your family".
She's not massively unreasonable, you are.

Show quote history

Not really. Just giving my perspective.

I never said anyone should put up with endless shit from their family.

My brother found continuing any relationship with my mum into adulthood intolerable so cut her off. Right decision for him. We all found her death hard though. I'm allowed to express that.

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/12/2024 15:00

toomuchfaff · 03/12/2024 11:28

So taking on the mental load?

Which is exactly the root of the problems OP is describing?

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Not taking on the mental load. Because she was going to buy it for herself anyway. So it doesn't even matter if the parents don't get round to giving her the money

LifeExperience · 03/12/2024 14:54

Dh and I have decided, along with our adult children, to make charity donations in each others' honour. We all have more than enough money to provide for needs and wants. Our grandchild will be spoiled with presents, however, because that's the privilege of grandparenthood.

TeaInBed321 · 03/12/2024 14:49

thepariscrimefiles · 03/12/2024 13:39

Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. You obviously did, but that is no reason to berate the OP who clearly has a difficult relationship with hers.

Unlike you, some people are relieved when their parents are no longer with them, and mentioning your dead mum and how you would give anything to have her back for one more crazy Christmas is just emotional blackmail.

Show quote history

Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. You obviously did

I didn't actually

Original poster
ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout · 03/12/2024 14:47

Alibababandthe40sheets · 03/12/2024 11:16

Yes it was the anxiety, not working outside of the home and the preference for staying at home that made me wonder but if your Dad is, ND is highly genetic so I’d say it is a safe bet.

I think you are going to have to lower your expectations massively of them and by the sounds of things of yourself too or you will run yourself into the ground completely. If there is ND, it is a disability and will cause significant issues for them but for you too. ND is like MH in some ways in that it does not just affect the person with it, it affects those closest to them too. Don’t look to them to change look at what the current patterns of behaviour are and look at how you need to change you in those patterns. If it isn’t hosting Christmas, if it isn’t getting presents just figure out what you need to happen and focus on changing yourself, your actions, your expectations, your emotions.

Show quote history

My husband is ASD as well so I have plenty on my plate. Without being assessed there is no way of knowing what my sister has. But Yes with my dad it’s highly likely via genetics that she has ASD.

OP posts:
DowntonFlabbie · 03/12/2024 14:46

TeaInBed321 · 03/12/2024 11:06

It's kind of them to want to give you a gift. You are being MASSIVELY unreasonable.

I'm late 40s, children, job etc.. and busy. But it won't take long to say 'oh that's so lovely! I'd love some bath oils or whatever' and then to pop to boots in your lunch hour to buy them. It's your parents.

My mum is dead now. What I wouldn't give to engage in one more crazy Christmas with her..

If you are asked to host again, just say 'im sorry, I'd love to have you all but this Christmas please could sister host instead as she hasn't done it before and I am a bit tired and stressed this year and would value sisters support..' or 'id love to but I'm knackered, let's all go out for lunch instead..'

Dont do that. It's SO self absorbed and dickish..... "My mum's dead and I miss her so you should put up with more years of endless shit from your family".
She's not massively unreasonable, you are.

TeaInBed321 · 03/12/2024 14:44

ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout · 03/12/2024 11:29

I think you need to take the rose tinted glasses off. It’s great that you have/had a great relationship with your mum. But, not everyone does. I’ve had years of therapy because of my dysfunctional family. I am deeply affected by my childhood. My mum is very self-centred. Yes it would be easy to do what you say, but my mum is very difficult.
for example, she recently asked to buy me a gift and I said I’d love vouchers from a particular clothes shop. I was happy to buy them myself because I could easily buy them online. But, her response was ‘I (meaning her) have never shopped in there before. I would need to go in there and see if there is anything I would wear from there but I’m in a wheelchair so I can’t go’. So the point of buying me a gift from said shop is trumped by her now interest in the shop for herself. Its ruined my interest in that shop and I have never been back because I can’t have her question what I have bought because she always asks how much I pay for things and then criticises or tells my dad on me as she knows he is a miser and will go mad over any expenditure. I am nearly 50!!

Show quote history

Well to be fair, you didn't mention the back story about your dysfunctional family and therapy etc.. in your post

You have also made the assumption that I had a good relationship with my mum. Yes, I loved her and she loved me, but I had a horrendously abusive childhood (pretty much every ace) (But i miss mum now she's passed away and I would do anything for one more dysfunctional, stressful and emotionally exhausting Christmas if it meant one last hug or one last word, or to hear from her that she didn't die in pain).

My point was that it's kind she offered to buy you a gift. It wouldn't take long to just say thanks id like an amazon voucher or id like smellies from boots etc..

I don't think your problem is really with the offer of a gift, or hosting/not hosting, or your mum being interested in a shop you want vouchers from. All these are relatively minor and solvable without too much problem

Your problem sounds like everything your mum does triggers memories of the family dysfunction and is seen through the eyes of the experiences you endured growing up. Even if your mum does something neutral it's likely to trigger you because you'll see it through trauma-eyes.

Maybe a little more therapy focussed around how to manage the current relationship, how to work in boundaries etc.. is what's needed, more than how to simply just solve this one Christmas issue..

💐

Caterina99 · 03/12/2024 14:29

I feel you OP. It always really annoys me that I have to think up the kids gifts from grandparents, and then wrap them too. In different paper! I do know my family care though, they just live abroad so it’s not that easy.

Cant you just go buy yourself a new top/dress/household item at the right price? Do you have to deliver it to them for wrapping or can you just say I’ve bought this so please send the money? I get its another bloody thing to do, but at least you’ll get something you actually like.

Wife2b · 03/12/2024 14:22

Ah don’t be a Grinch OP. They can’t help being of ill health. There must be something you’d like, it can’t be that hard to choose something, graciously thank them and look forward to an exciting delivery.

CeffylCoch · 03/12/2024 14:16

Can you ask for a gift voucher or money to get something in the sales? If they are really insisting that is

Cinnabarmotheaten · 03/12/2024 14:07

The thing is that you do not HAVE to do anything you don’t want to do. They cannot physically force you to shop cook clean host sort presents. Just decide and stick to it. Don’t enter into discussion. You are allowing others to coerce and manipulate you.

it’s your life and it goes too fast. OP what would you like? A holiday, no adult presents apart from DH and £for DC from DGP and to just have Christmas with your own family not DS and parents. They can choose what they do it is not your responsibility.

ACatNamedRobin · 03/12/2024 14:07

thestudio · 03/12/2024 12:36

OP, I think you have to actually face this head on now or it will never end.

"Mum, I don't want you to buy me anything because it just becomes another job for me to do. I am exhausted after the last couple of years and I literally cannot take on another thing, or I will go under.

For the same reason I'm not going to be doing Xmas this year. It's such hard work and I have done it for the last 20 years with no real help from any of you, and no offer to take a turn for fairness. I just can't do it anymore.

This year we're going out for lunch - you're welcome to join us if you'd like but it's not reasonable to expect me to pay for all of you. We don't have the money but even if we did, you are adults who I'm sure want to take responsibility for yourselves.

From past experience I expect you will be very angry that I am standing up for myself on this. I really hope, though, that you try to look at it rationally before you explode. Do you really believe that things have been fair so far?"

OP
Please do this.
You've got nothing to lose. Your parents could live for the next 20 years. Do you want this to continue to be your life basically forever?

Yes if you do it there will be an "extinction burst" - i.e. angry phonecalls to you.
Just don't answer any of them, and after a day get your DH to call them and reiterate what you said. (Maybe that will shame them a bit although they don't sound like anything would.)

Lulubear50 · 03/12/2024 14:06

I would just go abroad if I could. I’m doing this next year as due to kids exams I can’t this year. I’m sick of looking after everybody else’s needs and sick to death of dysfunctional families. It feels likes it could be x/y/z last Christmas guilt fed at me for the last 20 years and now I really don’t care. At this rate it could be mine. Put yourself first. You don’t want to spend time with your family, neither do I. Just stop and let go of the guilt and make other arrangements.

Gloriia · 03/12/2024 13:57

Mydietstartstomorrow · 03/12/2024 11:48

How much care and support does your sister provide your mum? I’m struggling to understand how she’s accused as not doing much when she’s a full time carer for your mother?

Well yes, I'm clearly missing something here.

If my dsis was a full time carer for my dm I think I'd happily do a once a year meal for everyone and the drama over choosing a Christmas gift seems excessive too.

I think you need to step up a bit here op tbh.

Nurseynursey3 · 03/12/2024 13:56

Shufflebumnessie · 03/12/2024 12:12

I completely empathise. My parents are both early 80s, in extremely good health for their ages, can drive & are perfectly happy using public transport. However, my mum refuses to shop online at all & my dad has absolutely no interest in Christmas (it would be ignored if left to him). My mum has no idea what her grandchildren's interests are (but that's a whole other thread) & every year she asks me to buy presents for them on my parents behalf. My parents live several hours away so so we don't see them that often & host them at our house for Christmas, so I then end up wrapping the gifts too (making sure I use different wrapping paper to the stuff we have, so another thing to add to the to-do list) so they're ready for when they arrive on Christmas day.
She then asks what I'd like, I tell her, she then states it would be easier for me to purchase them myself, so I do. By which stage I can't be arsed wrapping them (because I've already wrapped more presents than Santa's elves!!!) & then I get moaned at for not bothering to wrap my own presents, which I bought & know exactly what they are!!!
I also have to provide ideas to the in-laws & BiL.
Sorry, rant over!

I sympathise with having to buy all your families presents. I used to have to do that as well, when my dm was still alive, but the up side of that is you know both you and your children are going to receive something they will like and will fit. In laws never asked and 90% of the time they bought things my kids wouldn’t like or wouldn’t wear (even if it had been the right size, which it rarely was). So most things went straight to the charity shop.

As for the wrapping of presents? Just buy a Christmas gift bag for each of you and shove the pressies in them, job done! If they’re not happy with that, tough!

thepariscrimefiles · 03/12/2024 13:54

Differentstarts · 03/12/2024 12:42

I honestly don't know why your so exhausted. Your sister is the full time live in carer for your mum. You live the other side of the country. Can't you give your sister 1 day of a year and actually look after her and your mum. Also regarding the present just message you want a amazon voucher and stop dragging things out and causing others more stress

OP has a full time job, children and has been caring for another elderly relative who has just died and has been sorting out clearing the house and dealing with Probate.

Her sister has caring duties for her mum but doesn't work outside the home. OP always hosts Christmas and her sister doesn't lift a finger to help. Why on earth would OP look after her sister on Christmas Day?

Her mum won't give OP an Amazon voucher.

50shadesofnay · 03/12/2024 13:49

Wine? Perfume? Red letter day? Vouchers to a local pub/restaurant? Surely you can think of something? You live far from your parents/sister so it is normal that they would want to ask you for suggestions.
Sorry, I think you are being unreasonable. People want to give gifts to their loved ones at Christmas make a few suggestions and let them have their moment.

Driedonion · 03/12/2024 13:46

I hear you OP!
My mum is fit and active and in her late70s. But it is somehow my responsibility to buy her Christmas presents for my family because it’s too stressful/she’s busy etc.
I also don’t want much and my suggestion was refused (I asked for basic car valet) because it wasn’t a suitable Christmas present. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

AcrossthePond55 · 03/12/2024 13:45

@ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout

I was lucky in that when my mum could no longer go out shopping on her own, after one year of me driving her to ALL the shops to pick gifts for family she decided even that was 'too much for both of us' and announced that from then on the main gift would be cash in a card + one small trinket or treat 'so everyone has something to open', which I helped her order from Amazon. She had one small box she could wrap for each of us + cards to sign. Everyone (especially me) was happy with that. Would you be happy with that? I know they won't be, but that's not the point. You're the one doing the running around, the decision is yours whether they like it or not.

So you decide and state your 'position'. Don't JADE (Justify, Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain). Just say "This is what I am able to do" and repeat. I think this is a situation of sticking to your guns and an 'uncomfortable year' this year, but then acceptance next year when you offer the same thing.

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