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AIBU?

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Original poster

Lunch with another woman

215 replies

Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 06:59

NC for this.

My partner has a female friend. She has a long term partner. DP and her have known each other a couple of years. We have been in a relationship for over a year and are moving in together.

During the first few months of our relationship I didn’t meet her but was fine with them being friends. They went on a pre booked holiday together (twin room). He checked if it was ok for him to go and I was fine with it. No worries at all. Honestly trust him and felt genuinely fine about it.

A couple of months ago I finally met her, along with her partner and few others. She flirted with my DP a lot (ridiculous hair twirling, giggling, dominated his time - if you had looked in without knowing us all you’d assume they were together).

She largely ignored me. Made no effort at all. She responded to my attempts at conversation with her but then shut them down. Her partner and I exchanged a couple of glances as if to say ‘are you ok with this?’.

After that I calmly asked DP if he could only meet her when me and her partner are there as it felt uncomfortable for me the thought of her flirting with him without me there. I trust him not to take it anywhere but it just felt uncomfortable. He was a bit annoyed thinking I didn’t trust him but did agree as he could see my view.

I then found out recently he’d met her for lunch alone. I found out because he’d let something slip and so I asked and he answered. He wouldn’t lie directly but has lied through omission I think.

I was upset. He got cross. He doesn’t think I should make this request of him, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:36

mycatsanutter · 03/12/2024 07:34

She has made no effort to get to know you / become your friend and she has flirted with your boyfriend. Chances are when they went out for lunch she asked him if you knew where he was and when he said no she would have loved having that little secret between them . That wouldn't sit right with me .

I hadn’t thought of that. That’s a horrible thought. Who’d do that?? I hope that isn’t the case but you may be right.

OP posts:
Coalplay · 03/12/2024 07:35

You’re being controlling and unreasonable. You’re the red flag

Mumlaplomb · 03/12/2024 07:35

OP it sounds like the friend was marking her territory a bit when you were with her, maybe trying to make you feel insecure. I don’t think you were unreasonable to ask him to not see her alone. But he should have said no if he wanted to carry on seeing her, then you could have decided what to do about it. I think he will know she is flirting with him even if he pretends he doesn’t, and will be enjoying the flattery. Trust your instincts here - I would be having a firm chat with him about it and explaining you didn’t enjoy the flirty dynamic and if he wants to carry on with this one in one flirty friendship then you will need to rethink the relationship.

Cassandras · 03/12/2024 07:35

Of course he’s aware of it.

Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:34

cheddercherry · 03/12/2024 07:29

Poster above nailed it. If you said jump and she said roll he’d be on the floor before you could blink.

Whether he’s done anything or not with her you’re only a year in to this relationship and already you’re being painted as the “nag”. He should be in the fun, giggling, hands over each other stage with you. Not chasing his ego.

Sadly I think it is the ego boost he likes. I don’t think he’s aware of it though. Just feels good.

OP posts:
mycatsanutter · 03/12/2024 07:34

She has made no effort to get to know you / become your friend and she has flirted with your boyfriend. Chances are when they went out for lunch she asked him if you knew where he was and when he said no she would have loved having that little secret between them . That wouldn't sit right with me .

Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:33

Agix · 03/12/2024 07:29

OP, he's a grown man. He is not oblivious to the flirting. Maybe if he's ND and has particular struggles in the social cue area or something but barring that, I can assure you he's not oblivious. More than likely he enjoys it.

Honestly past experience tells me to keep well away from a guy who has a friendship with a woman like this. Even with that aside, he went behind your back rather than talking to you. I'd nope out of there personally.

‘Nope out of here’. Love that phrase.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:32

Waterboatlass · 03/12/2024 07:22

How did he respond to the flirting out if interest?

If generally let him go. He's crossed a boundary and didn't have to agree to the path of least resistance. He could have discussed it and said 'sorry Sheila can be a bit much and I probably didn't handle it well. I assure you it's just how she is. I've never responded to it with anything but friendship. I like her as a friend and I'm not prepared to jettison a good friend but I will keep things more appropriate in future '. The fact he hid seeing her and was annoyed about is telling. You need to call it. I would leave them to it.

Is her relationship new?

No. It’s a long relationship. They are engaged.

If he’d have said that I’d have been ok with it. I wouldn’t have ever liked it though.

I genuinely don’t think anything physical has ever happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:30

Canalboat · 03/12/2024 07:24

Trust your instincts on this OP, there are alarm bells ringing here. A lot of infidelity happens because of opportunity and boundaries slipping or being pushed over time. You need to be clear on your own boundaries and you don’t have to put up with this if you don’t want to but it may mean ending the relationship. The staying in the same room seems weird to me for a relatively new relationship of the opposite sex, however that may just be me.

Thanks. Yes. I guess I didn’t think too much about it at the time. I knew she had a long term partner. They’d been friends longer than we had been together. He was up front and honest and asked me if I minded. Although, if I had said that I did mind I wonder what he’d have done.

OP posts:
Agix · 03/12/2024 07:29

OP, he's a grown man. He is not oblivious to the flirting. Maybe if he's ND and has particular struggles in the social cue area or something but barring that, I can assure you he's not oblivious. More than likely he enjoys it.

Honestly past experience tells me to keep well away from a guy who has a friendship with a woman like this. Even with that aside, he went behind your back rather than talking to you. I'd nope out of there personally.

cheddercherry · 03/12/2024 07:29

Poster above nailed it. If you said jump and she said roll he’d be on the floor before you could blink.

Whether he’s done anything or not with her you’re only a year in to this relationship and already you’re being painted as the “nag”. He should be in the fun, giggling, hands over each other stage with you. Not chasing his ego.

Chocolattes · 03/12/2024 07:28

Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:27

Yes. That’s a helpful way of putting it.

Show quote history

I didn't mean it to sound harsh by the way, but just saying how it seems from the outside so you can see that you deserve better

Cassandras · 03/12/2024 07:27

Well at least you know in advanced that he’s sneaky, he hides things, he loves attention from other women and that he doesn’t prioritise you or your feelings.

there’s enough red flags here to decorate a carnival!

Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:27

Chocolattes · 03/12/2024 07:24

Reality is his want to have lunch with her was more important to him then your fairly reasonable ask to not see her alone. Take from that what you will, but I'd be wary of your assumptions that she was flirting and he was oblivious- he cares more about seeing her than your feelings.

Edited

Yes. That’s a helpful way of putting it.

OP posts:
Oxforddictionary12 · 03/12/2024 07:27

I agree with what the above posters have said. He's certainly not taking any steps to reassure you and is still prioritising seeing her. It seems she has this weird hold on him despite being attached to someone else. Don't move in together if you have any doubts.

Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:26

Isthereanypointtoallthis · 03/12/2024 07:22

I think that if you continue your relationship this has given you the information of how things will be.

He has already prioritised his friendship with this woman. And very importantly he has not been truthful with you.

It also sounds as though the woman's feelings for your partner are more than platonic and even if he doesn't feel the same about her he must be enjoying her obvious attention.

Quite honestly I think you would be better ending your relationship to save yourself more and more mistrust and upset.

Edited

That’s how I feel about it too. I’d never have interfered or had an opinion about it if she’d behaved normally with us both. It’s the lie (through omission) I am finding most upsetting.

OP posts:
Chocolattes · 03/12/2024 07:24

Reality is his want to have lunch with her was more important to him then your fairly reasonable ask to not see her alone. Take from that what you will, but I'd be wary of your assumptions that she was flirting and he was oblivious- he cares more about seeing her than your feelings.

Canalboat · 03/12/2024 07:24

Trust your instincts on this OP, there are alarm bells ringing here. A lot of infidelity happens because of opportunity and boundaries slipping or being pushed over time. You need to be clear on your own boundaries and you don’t have to put up with this if you don’t want to but it may mean ending the relationship. The staying in the same room seems weird to me for a relatively new relationship of the opposite sex, however that may just be me.

Waterboatlass · 03/12/2024 07:22

How did he respond to the flirting out if interest?

If generally let him go. He's crossed a boundary and didn't have to agree to the path of least resistance. He could have discussed it and said 'sorry Sheila can be a bit much and I probably didn't handle it well. I assure you it's just how she is. I've never responded to it with anything but friendship. I like her as a friend and I'm not prepared to jettison a good friend but I will keep things more appropriate in future '. The fact he hid seeing her and was annoyed about is telling. You need to call it. I would leave them to it.

Is her relationship new?

Isthereanypointtoallthis · 03/12/2024 07:22

I think that if you continue your relationship this has given you the information of how things will be.

He has already prioritised his friendship with this woman. And very importantly he has not been truthful with you.

It also sounds as though the woman's feelings for your partner are more than platonic and even if he doesn't feel the same about her he must be enjoying her obvious attention.

Quite honestly I think you would be better ending your relationship to save yourself more and more mistrust and upset.

Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:21

BigDahliaFan · 03/12/2024 07:17

You can't ban him from friends as 'she's too flirty'. That's v controlling. I can't imagine my husband banning me from seeing someone alone. He lied to you though, even though you were being ridiculous, and that's not a good sign that the two of you can talk through difficult issues and come to a good solution...which is kind of essential foe partnerships.

Pick your battles...in that case I'd have made a joke of it as would DH...off to see your toyboy again?.

I didn’t know he was going. That’s the point. He hid it. I found out by accident. That’s the bit that’s upset me most.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:20

Zanatdy · 03/12/2024 07:12

I don’t think you can ban anyone from being friends. If you’re not comfortable and don’t trust him it’s probably better to call it a day now.

Not ban the friendship. Just not do things alone. Other female friends - fine. But she ignored me and flirted with him. Really blatantly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lyingisnotok · 03/12/2024 07:18

Edingril · 03/12/2024 07:13

You don't trust him so why on earth are you with him? Is it attention?

I do trust him not to take it further. He’s oblivious to her flirting - although I’m sure he is getting an ego boost as she hangs off his every word. I think it’s thought that they look like a couple on a first date when you see them together. I don’t know why but I just don’t like that.

OP posts:
Jk987 · 03/12/2024 07:17

You can't prevent your partner from seeing a friend. Being in a relationship doesn't allow one grown adult to tell another grown adult who they should see.

I'd be concerned that something may have already happened between them though. Especially given that her partner also thinks her flirting is odd.

BigDahliaFan · 03/12/2024 07:17

You can't ban him from friends as 'she's too flirty'. That's v controlling. I can't imagine my husband banning me from seeing someone alone. He lied to you though, even though you were being ridiculous, and that's not a good sign that the two of you can talk through difficult issues and come to a good solution...which is kind of essential foe partnerships.

Pick your battles...in that case I'd have made a joke of it as would DH...off to see your toyboy again?.

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