Lunch with another woman

She sounds unpleasant. Who behaves like this anyway, never mind when partners are present? And I agree with you op, I do not like the hiding things, that is what causes concern. I don’t think you can demand he doesn’t see her. You can demand he is honest about it though. And the truth is, he wants to see her even though he knows it makes you uncomfortable. Do you want to move in with someone like that? I wouldn’t.

It’s upsetting you because he’s not being honest; he’s being sneaky.

And the reason that’s a problem is because you can’t trust him. You’re saying you do trust him, but you either don’t, or you shouldn’t. This isn’t a guy being upfront with you.

On MN there is a real backlash against people not trusting. It’s used as an insult, I think because of the small demographic of people who are genuinely neurotic and deeply controlling, and who can’t stomach the notion of their partner having to interact with the opposite sex at all.

But not trusting someone with reason is a natural defence mechanism to stop us walking into traps. Not wanting your partner to be out at lunch alone with a hair twirling, eyelash flapping “friend” who largely ignored you and whose partner also was also clearly made uncomfortable by her behaviour is not the same thing at all. Add to that the fact you explained that her interaction style made you uncomfortable, and he agreed not to see her alone, and you have a situation where he is blatantly prioritising his time with this woman over both his respect for your feelings and the undertaking he has given. It’s also only come out because he let it slip, not because he thought you were overstepping and he was not going to be controlled. If he didn’t like your request, he should have said so, rather than agreeing but then doing it behind your back regardless.

Do not move in with this man: he’s a sneak and lacks the backbone to say no to either of you.

My take would be that he wants a relationship with her. She knows this and likes the power. Likes being the most important one in his like and having him on the back burner
I have close male friends. I don't flirt or play with their hair and they know my partner is important to me
He will always run to her imo

Golly, that's tricky. On one hand I am absolutely against dictating friendships. On the other hand, I am very uncomfortable about lying by omission. The right thing to do for him surely would have been to say no to your request at the time. Not to say yes to appease you and then cover up that he actually had no intention to do what you asked him to do.
Personally, I would be having a conversation with him explaining the above. That I am sorry about asking him not to see his friend, it was out of line. However, I would have expected him to be honest with me if he couldn't accommodate my request so that we both knew where we were. And then try to move forward in an open and honest way. If he is unable to do that, I would possibly be ending the relationship because there is nothing worse than double-guessing your partner.

While I don’t think the request to not be alone was controlling- why does it need to be there in the first place? You don’t trust one or the other or both to be alone together? Listen to your gut.

He has no boundary with her re being ‘ok’ with the flirting and in the presence of partners - where is his actual boundary?

Lying by omission - further erosion of trust

What really got me though was he was angry at you for something he had done and did not take responsibility for it or handle it respectfully towards you - would this apply to other situations eg spending/decision making more broadly.

There is a third wheel here and personally that would not be for me.

I don't believe for a second he's oblivious to her flirting. No way.

So she was mooning over him and flirting up a storm while ignoring you and her uncomfortable partner. You set your reasonable boundaries and he agreed to nix their 1:1 meet-ups. This, however, was lip service on his part, as he felt entitled to break your agreement and hide that from you. He’s now being defensive because you called him out on lying by omission.

@Lyingisnotok, he is clearly in her thrall, and is lying that he doesn’t notice her flirting/adoration and rudeness toward you. Lapping up the validation she provides is his priority.

Lying and subterfuge are dealbreakers for me. I would leave them to it.

Mumsnet is not objective. People on here shout LTB for the tiniest of things. It's a sport for some to make men look as bad as possible and break up relationships. I'm sure there's genuine posters here, but I would never make a life-changing decision from mumsnet advice. Particularly in AIBU.

It's a deal breaker.
You don't like Miss Flirty as she makes plays for your man and you don't want to experience that.
Fair enough.

Explain to partner that you find Miss Flirty too hard to deal with and if he doen't want to acknowledge your very real feelings for very real reasons then you can not move in with him.

Consider asking your partner to speak with Miss Flirty's husband and ask whether he finds the behaviour of his wife acceptable and comfortable to be around.

Surely your partner doesn't want to disrespect her husband and you just to appease an infatuated old friend.

Ignore the poster saying you're the red flag. You've been very clear about how this particular woman makes you feel, and you're not wrong.

hes not oblivious to her flirting if he recognises it enough to get an ego boost from it 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can ponder and wonder what both are thinking re the flirting, the rights and wrongs of making your request, his real thoughts of your request - you can't ever properly know these things and they'll drive you mad thinking it over.
What you know is she said 'dinner' and he ran to it without telling you. So you do definitely know he finds it ok to lie by omission to you, and then to actively blame you for that. These points of fact are sufficient to see how a future with him would be. She's probably done you a favour that you've found out now.
Still it's very hard, rubbish and hope you're ok.

Even if she did, he knows OP wouldn't like it and had every chance to say sorry I don't want to or whatever else. I know it's easy to paint the woman as the instigator leading the poor man astray and manipulating them, but it's a bit pathetic really.

You shouldn't have made such a ridiculous demand and he shouldn't have agreed.

But once you did and he did, he shouldn't have gone behind your back either.

The reality is that there is no winner here. All of you appear to have odd and inappropriate boundaries.

I was the ‘cool girl’. Never objected to any of h’s female friends. Until he cheated on me with someone I would never have suspected in a million years. I learned my lesson. You can’t control what others do but you can control what you will tolerate.

Her behaviour when you met was rude and inappropriate but your partner chose to ignore it. His loyalties seems to lie with her rather than with you so I would make a decision to end your relationship.

Whether they are having and affair or not, her behaviour towards you is quite clearly staking her “I was here first” claim. She’s got no interest in getting to know you, which tells you all you need to know about the dynamic of their relationship. Do you want to spend the rest of your life competing with her?

OP, unless there is an issue in your past that makes you extra suspicious and messes up your judgement, I would trust my gut.
Their interaction made you uncomfortable.
She acted like you were a rival.
Your partner lied, got defensive and did not care about how upset you were.
Seeing her takes priority over your feelings.

These are all bad signs, tbh. I know they might not be having an affair, but it is also not completely innocent. All affairs have to start somewhere and it looks like these two have a connection that goes beyond friendship.

I cant really advice as its a difficult situation - but I definitely would slow things down a bit and keep my wits about me. And be ready to leave if something else comes up.