Lunch with another woman

It is quite controlling to tell your partner that they are not allowed to see their friend without you being there. I wouldn't tolerate that from a guy in a million years. Either they trust me and lets me have my friendships or they don't and then there is no point in being in a relationship. I would also not choose to end a friendship that I want to keep because my partner/boyfriend don't like them. My partner doesn't have to like all my friends but they have to accept that I want them in my life and that they benefit me in some way.

I think you two are just not compatible and if you continue to try and control his life it will just lead to more and more lies from him. It's just not sustainable to say he can't see his friend on his own.

A year is hardly long term. TBH personally I wouldn’t be moving in with someone after only a year either, but given they don’t live together yet, now is the perfect time to call a halt to the relationship if it isn’t working for OP.

That's fine. I do think it's ridiculous you put this in place and I STILL think he's unreasonable to go for a secret lunch with this woman. I also think he is ridiculous to maintain a flirty friendship with a woman. I have a few good old male friends from school and uni. I can honestly, hand on heart, say that we do not flirt. Ever.

You say that you trust him, he was oblivious to her flirting, you are not worried about an affair, in which case why ban him from seeing her unless you are present? She sounds annoying and irritating but despite what you say, it does sound like you don't trust him - that's the underlying issue.

Obviously I’m not cool, because I wouldn’t be happy with my partner going on holiday and sharing a twin bedroom in the first place.

He crossed your boundaries, and has lied to you. This would cast wider doubt for me that he has have remained faithful -what else don’t you know about?

I think the blatant disrespect of you is as much the issue - I wouldn’t expect a friend of mine to be rude to my DP. And I wouldn’t be seeing them behind DP’s back if they were.

and that's fine, but maybe either a) you actually don't have a flirty relationship with any of them, in which case it's a completely different situation and of course your DP has no need to worry, or b) your DP doesn't mind you having flirty relationships with others, in which case great for you but the vast majority of people wouldn't be happy with that and would gladly have thrown you back.

This

What? They’ve been together over a year and are moving in together. It’s not like she’s just met him ffs.

Everyone saying "you can't ban him from seeing a friend" is totally missing the point. DH and I both have friends of the opposite sex we meet up with independently. But we wouldn't need to ban each other from seeing someone like the OP is talking about, because we would each have read the room and stopped seeing that person 1:1 as we have respect for our partner and wouldn't want any lines to be crossed or for anyone to get the wrong impression.

Throw this one back, OP. He either doesn't respect you or just isn't that into you, if he's willing to risk the relationship to keep up this "friendship" (i.e. flirty ego boost).

They probably slept together on that holiday
dont move in with him. Leave him

She honestly sounds like a dog pissing to mark her territory over their friendship, I don’t know how you didn’t walk out and leave them to it there and then. I suspect he is at her beck and call as I’ve seen this behaviour before and there’s been similar threads on here where he’s ended up being in love with the friend.

But she’s been his friend longer than the OP has been his girlfriend, and she’s friends with the OP’s boyfriend, and clearly not particularly interested in the OP. Which is clearly not that nice for the OP, but surely hardly surprising. I’m only properly friends with a few of my friends’ partners/spouses.

Plus I do find Mn ideas about opposite-sex friendships hilariously Saudi, especially the apparently unquestioned ‘rules’ that (1) it’s only ok for your boyfriend to have close female friends if he’s known them for decades (all friendships have to be new at some point, but he’s not allowed to make new female friends once he’s in a relationship, apparently) and (2) if the female friend displays a flattering interest in the girlfriend, and (3) if every text and meeting is ‘disclosed’ and sanitised.

I tell you frankly, as someone with good, longterm male friends that if DH had stipulated I not meet them solo and that all texts and phone calls were shared, he wouldn’t have lasted in my life. He obviously gets to state his bottom line, as does anyone in a relationship, but that kind of insecurity and possessiveness wouldn’t work for me.i would choose established friendships over a new relationship every time. And there’s no way of magically ‘affair-proofing’ your marriage, ever, certainly not by restricting friendships.

OP, obviously you need to consider your own bottom line. But ask yourself whether you really think it’s in any way reasonable to require to chaperone your partner’s friendship?

This isn't how it works. You dont stop each other doing things or seeing people....that's controlling.

He is free to see who he wants. He is free to make changes based on your feelings. You are free to make changes to the relationship if you don't like what he does....but only to yourself.

Her behaviour is problematic, sure. But if he sees no problem with it, that's up to him. You can choose whether to remove yourself from the situation or not.

I wouldn’t be moving in with him either.

She is beyond disrespectful and so is your partner for playing along with her silly flirting.

My closest friends are men and I would never act like that around them nevermind around their partners.

They look like they're on a first date? Suggests the behaviour is reciprocal then?

He asked you if you were ok with him going on holiday with her - you showed you were trusting and said yes. At that point you'd no reason to feel uncomfortable and say no. Do you really would have not gone if you'd said no?

Either way you then met her, she gave you reason to feel concerned - you raised those issues with him and requested he not meet her without you. At that point he could have said he wouldn't agree to that, or at least discussed conditions like he'd tell you first. He didn't, he went against what he said he'd do, he then lied to you and presumably would never have told you unless you'd found out. How many more times would he have done this?
Her partner also seems to notice her behaviour - so it's not just you seeing something that's not there.

If this is how he handles your concerns, by agreeing to what you ask and then doing what he wants and lying about it, it's not a good foundation for going forward.

It’s never polite to exclude people present from a conversation, even if “not flirting” and whoever is present. When you add that she’s he’s partner, it becomes even more disrespectful.

“He wouldn’t lie directly but has lied through omission I think.”

Well, he lied when he said he wouldn’t meet up with her, so yes he has lied directly.

Does he enjoy the attention?

…but was she flirting with him ? Maybe they were chatting and laughing like old friends do, and you didn’t like feeling excluded, so have decided it was “flirting” to justify your own behaviours, in wanting to control who he sees, and when he sees them.

Why should she have to be friends with you?

I think they both enjoy the thrill of flirting in front of their partners and openly keeping each other as Plan B.. This combined with the lying would be too much for me
You deserve better.

I guess the question arising out of that is: now that he sees why her behaviour is concerning, what is he doing about it? Did he, for instance, shut down any flirting during the lunch? Did he take the chance to talk a lot about you and/or her partner, and make it clear that their relationship was never going to be more than a friendship?

Hey OP, there’s some batshit crazy advice/responses on here. As a guy, I can assure you that such overt flirting is noticed (unless your partner has ASD). It’s an ego boost.

Most (every?) affairs starts with relaxed boundaries. In my view, the capacity to have an affair exists due to those relaxed boundaries (on the whole). I’m guessing you may think the same.

All those cool kids on here who shoulder shrug…whatever.

My OH and I have been together for a long time but in the beginning there was an ex who wanted to remain friends. I wasn't used to that but they'd ended amicably and before I met her I wasn't too bothered.

However I did then meet her and her behaviour was below my standard and was very disrespectful.

I was, by then, very invested in my relationship but this friendship wasn't one I was willing to see as part of my future.
I had the conversation, it's her or me. I'd rather my OH had nipped it in the bud without my interference but it was a long time ago and we've never seen her since.

She did kick off and make it seem like I was insecure etc, to be expected, but my boundaries are my boundaries.

My OH was fine with it, but I'd have bailed on the relationship if it hadn't gone my way.
That friendship just wasn't that important to miss out on the amazing relationship we have.
If she'd acted respectfully I wouldn't have had an issue but she couldn't and thought she'd get away with it. Hopefully a valuable lesson for her wherever she ended up.

This is not for you Op and you deserve better. This is not about him having a female friend, this is about him having 'this' female friend. there is more to this or will be further down the line. Trust the evidence before you and stop thinking YABU. You are being gaslighted. Don't waste anymore time.