Lunch with another woman

It's their right to have that relationship, and equally it is @Lyingisnotok right to choose whether or not she wants to remain in a relationship with a man who lies to her and wants to prioritise a flirty woman over her.

After her amicable divorce, a friend of mine asked her ex what she had done wrong. He said nothing it was simply that his ego had been boosted. They'd been together for years. You've got a situation that's right at the beginning of a new relationship.

Maybe she's not a threat. Maybe she never will be. If both you and her fiancee noticed the flirty then your dp must have noticed too. The fact that he didn't shut it down by eg putting his arm round you or similar doesn't say a lot for his thought about you or your feelings. Why is she so flirty if they've known eachother years? Is it simply because you were there and suddenly she thinks she might have missed out on being with him? Also how much of a gap is there between you and his last relationship? Did she get on with his last partner? Why did they split up? Did she contribute to this? It might be relevant. Has there been any point where they've both been single at the same time?

The omission about lunch wouldn't usually be a concern but the fact that you'd spoken about your discomfort about meeting her alone and then he meet her without telling you is a big red flag for me. Its just as bad as lying. It's sneaky. If he had said "I know you're not happy about this but I'm just letting you know I'm meeting EmbarrassingWoman I'm friends with for lunch" at least it would be allq- be above board.

He's not putting you first, he's putting himself/ego first.
I'd seriously consider whether you want a relationship with someone that's sneaky and puts others before you. Been in a similar situation where they've put others before me to make themselves feel good and have been equally sneaky. It's soul destroying. I'd think about whether you want to end up brokenhearted, if you're

not feeling that way already.

Surely it is everybody’s rights to have the relationships and friendships that they want to. The fact that he knew this person before he met you surely means that if he’d wanted to be with her he would be with her. Her behaviour around him is not his problem. And also you could argue it’s not your problem.

Yes, If I am not at all "into " my friend then I am genuinely delighted to meet their girlfriend and want to get to know her. Also, on the couple of occasions where I knew the man had a bit of an unrequited crush on me I have backed away from the friendship out of respect for their relationship

How does he react to her when she’s being flirty and giggly? Does he look at her with attraction in his eyes the way she looks at him? What is his role in creating this tableau of coupledom?

I go out of my way to be friendly to male fruends' gfs so that they know that I'm not a "threat". Also because I want to keep my friends because if gf puts an ultimatum he will choose her, as it should be. It doesn't seem to be the case here and her flirting with your husband is quite telling. I think they were/are having an affair. Sorry.

If you carry on with the move in plans you are just telling him it’s fine and he can be this man who doesn’t owe you honesty. Don’t do that.

Well if she acts flirty in front of you, I wouldn't trust them at all on their own, especially keeping the meetings a secret it's disrespectful to you and he doesn't seem to care about your feelings.
Sometimes you just know, convincing yourself it'll be ok, only if your there, is not going to stop them having an affair.
I'd have a word with her partner, and leave the situation.

I agree you shouldn't trust someone who lies to you. That's a lack of respect.

But I think that this idea of 'victory' is a total transference - how on earth can anyone know that is what she/thinks feels? People spend too much time thinking that others even give two hoots about them. If it's the way she has always been with him, it's the way she has always been with him. She totally gets to pull her up on it... at the time, not with her partner later. Tell her at the time - particularly if there are glances being exchanged as I said. They're adults.

I'm not sure your partner should have to 'stand up for you' - she wasn't being threatened and frankly should be able to stand up for herself.

He was oblivious to her flirting.

No – he wasn't. I wouldn't be painting him as so clueless, If I were you. He's an adult man. He know when a woman is flirting with him, he knows if he likes it or not and he knows why.

Friendships aside, he should not be allowing any behaviour that is disrespectful to you no matter what that is. But he is and continues to do so against your feelings.

Let this one go. Decent men don't treat their partner's like this.

yes it is weird - they both have romantic partners but spun a yarn to enable a holiday together, sharing a room?

we were on a break !!!

I think we are crossing wires.

I felt the room sharing was inappropriate.

Im just responding to a poster who claimed those who think the room sharing was inappropriate are unable to conceive of a platonic relationship.

Just a small, general point (because I actually think the OP shouldn't trust someone who is willing to lie to her for an easy life) but i don't think that not trusting your partner nor to have an affair is the only reason you could request no 1-1 time.

It could also be because the friends is and was so disrespectful to you that you know she will continue to be so when you're not there and view our as a 'victory' that she gets to do that without him putting any boundaries in place or pulling her up on it. That's humiliating.

As it happens, I think it's a wrong-headed request because the actual problem is your partner not respecting you or standing up for you, but there we are!

But would you share a hotel bedroom with them?

This op.

Yup. Volumes.

Totally this.

And even if nothing would happen, if you respect your partner and value your relationship you keep some boundaries

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of this friendship, what you have here is a man whose approach to difficult situations is to promise one thing then secretly do another.

Having presumably been an adult for some time, he has not learned the backbone or integrity to take the harder, but honourable, route of having the difficult conversation and risking conflict over the easy, dishonest route. That is now a character trait and it will crop up in all sorts of ways if you stay with him. I couldn't respect a man like that.

He's not trustworthy. He's shown he'll prioritise his wants over doing the right thing by you. On that basis I've no idea why you'd trust him not to cheat (in general) as well, to be honest.

He also clearly has no issue with other people disrespecting you in front of him. He's lacking the fundamentals for offering you a happy relationship, in my view!

I don’t believe it can never be non-sexual. Of course it can. There are men I would not shag to save myself.

There isn’t one “normal platonic” way. Everyone has their own boundaries. The OP’s partner was oblivious to what the OP perceived as “flirting” which seemed to consist of having a laugh and enjoying his company.

I think it has a lot to do with hetero-norms especially given the comments saying no way should two opposite sex friends ever go on holiday together or share a twin hotel room leaving their partners at home in addition to comments that are generally and puritanically disbelieving that such friendships can be nonsexual.

speaking of,
“ginasevern · Today 10:45
Sorry but in my experience hetro men don't have "genuine" platonic friendships. They always want a shag at the end of the tunnel, even if they don't act on it. I mean, would you really want your DH going off on holiday and sharing a bedroom with another similarly aged and unrelated woman? If you would, you are in a very small minority and for a very good reason.”

Personally no I wouldn’t. It’s nothing either DH or I would suggest.

But I can accept there might be friendships where this might be acceptable to the partners involved.

However when there is a dynamic of flirtation it’s totally inappropriate and disrespectful to the op’s relationship .

You need to look at this situation divested of emotion for a moment:

1. You asked him to not be alone with her - you say you trust him, you clearly don't or you wouldn't have to say it would you?
2. He agreed and then met her for lunch - he deceived you, that's awful
3. He doubtless didn't tell you the truth because you put a condition on him that he couldn't live up to, despite promising you in the moment

Some people have friends of the same sex, some people have flirty friends of the same sex, but it doesn't mean they want to get into one another's pants. The way you have explained it I find it odd that you sat through a meal with her and her partner just exchanging glances not doing anything? You're adults aren't you? You can talk about things? At the time and not after the event to try and restrict your partner from friendships that predate you.

I think it IS controlling to tell people who they can spend time with and how this should happen (i.e. not alone) also presumably if they wanted to be with one another they have had countless opportunities to pursue a relationship in the past if they wanted to.

I have mainly male friends and I don't fancy a single one of them, nor have tried anything with them in the past. So to the PP who said hetero men don't have genuine platonic friendships you couldn't be more wrong and sorry that your experience has led you to that assumption, I wish your world was broader.

You need to talk to him about the lying and you need to talk to him about the flirtation. Get a clear understanding between the both of you, because as I said at the beginning, you don't trust him, if you did this wouldn't worry you at all.

I used to be one of those women who would say you can't control him, it's all about trust, etc etc...

But my husband had a female friend who did try it on with him, and to be honest I had a gut feeling about her. So I would say your intuition about her is probably right. Ultimately it does still come down to if you can trust him, but I'd be letting him know that secret meet ups and secret text messages count as a betrayal of trust for you.

I still wouldn't want my husband sharing a bedroom with another woman. I mean, if that's weird and controlling then tough shit.

My then boyfriend had a female friend who I’d never met, it was ok, then one day when he was going out again, I said the next time they met, I’d like to come along and meet her too ( we lived together in a flat )

He decided not to see her again

Spoke volumes to me.