Lunch with another woman

And where is the value in this friendship?

“tableau of coupledom!” 😂

She is not trying to dictate al all. She has every right to ask this of her partner and the majority would do the same if they were in her shoes

You are obviously worried that he will have sex with this other woman. You say you trust him, so I guess you are worried that she will make a move on him and he will be tempted and make a mistake. I think you need to talk to him about your fears, although this will be difficult. If you can't agree that she flirts with him in front of you then I think you're in trouble.

Also, don't listen to this bollocks from PP about boundaries being controlling. Being in a relationship involves compromise. Compromising with someone is essentially consenting to being "controlled" in some area. A boundary is just stating what is acceptable to you in the relationship. The only real means you have of enforcing it is to leave. So you're basically saying "if you keep seeing this woman I will leave". No problem with that. If your partner thinks that your boundaries are unreasonable then he can leave. Again, no problem with that. Nobody is "dictating" anything to anyone.

Nobody is saying she can't express that she is uncomfortable but she can't decide that he is not allowed to see his friend when and how he wants to. It's his life that she is trying to dictate. He shouldn't have said OK to that and then met up with his friend anyway, but very few people would be OK to give up friendships that they value just like that.

Yep, which bit are you questioning?

I don't have a problem with OP not being comfortable with it, but then she should leave the relationship not tell her boyfriend that he can't see his friend on his own. That's not healthy and she has no right to make such decision for a functioning and thinking individual. That's his decision to make and he doesn't want to give up this friendship.

So she should be okay with being lied to and totally disrespected? Bollocks to that. She has every right to tell her partner how she feels

That's not boundary setting. Telling someone that they are not allowed to see their friend on their own is controlling.

For me, someone telling me that I couldn't see my friend how and when I wanted to would massively cross my boundary of what's healthy in a relationship though.

The friend is flirting with her partner infront of her! No one would be okay with this and you wouldn’t either if it was happening to you

have you actually read the three?

You can set your own boundaries but trying to set boundaries for another autonomous adult is what makes it controlling. It's not healthy to decide on your partner's behalf who they can see, when and how.

I also go out of my way to be friendly to male friends' girlfriends though it's mostly because I like meeting new people, and if my friend is into this woman then she must be interesting/nice/good fun and therefore potentially a new friend for me. I don't second-guess them being territorial. I've found that the territorial, jealous types don't actually need a reason to try to control their partners.

I disagree that people should choose partners over friends. Men I dated who objected to any of my friendships got dumped pretty unceremoniously. A long-term relationship would be different but DP is DP precisely because he has never, and would never, try to control who I was friends with or when I could see them.

OP follow this excellent advice. Your partner is prioritising his friend over you and lying about it. It would be interesting to know how he would react if the shoe was on the other foot and it was you meeting up with a a male friend and lying about it

I think that if you're in a relationship, it's a good idea not to put yourself in situations where you might cheat. For example, going on holiday with someone who blatantly fancies you and sleeping in the same room.
I don't believe that your DP isn't aware that she fancies him - if he was he would have pushed back on you asking him not to meet her on his own. He understands that your request was reasonable and chose to meet her anyway.

I would consider it controlling if my other half would tell me who I can and cannot see without his presence. Boundaries are important but this isn't a healthy boundary. It's control.

What? Am I reading that right? We aren't allowed to set boundaries in a relationship?
Boundaries aren't inherently controlling. They can be healthy

The bigger questions are:

why do you feel you you have the right to dictate to him whom to see and whom not?
and
Why does he not feel able to stand up to you and rather goes behind your back.

It could be lack of respect etc but it could also be that your ways are controlling and he is scared of saying no. We only have your side of the story.

Either way, moving in sounds like the wrong move for both of you.

You cannot control his friendships and dictate whom he sees and in what circumstances. You sound insecure but of it's crosses a line for you then maybe moving in together is too early. I would put that on hold until you are clearer where you want the relationship to progress to under the circumstances.

Leaving aside the connection with another woman for the moment : being in relationship with a partner that says ‘yes dear’ to your face and then does what they want behind your back is very destabilising and unsatisfying. Been there, done that, noped out feeling undermined and disrespected.
surface agreement masking a rift equals misery.

I’d be suspicious of his apparent ingenuous and oblivious nature with regards to her flirting. Men are not usually oblivious to that.

I’d also be uncomfortable with his conspiratorial secrets kept with her, like their lunch.

I’d be uncomfortable with his desire to see her and put her before your feelings, feeling which were triggered by her dismissive behaviour of you, obvious flirting, and feelings which were mirrored by her partner.

And I’d be uncomfortable with his lying.

He has cast you, perhaps unwittingly, as the third wheel, stick-in-the-mud in their relationship.

Don’t move in.

He’s keeping her on the back burner, just in case things don’t work out with you.

I just want to add that was my experience and it could be different to yours but do you want to spend your future feeling anxious and suspicious? Waiting for the axe to fall that may or may not happen? You deserve to find someone that doesn’t send your spidey senses into overdrive!

@Lyingisnotok. She went out of her way to make you uncomfortable, your bf was oblivious soaking up the attention and you know the issue won’t go away even if they are just platonic. A real friend wouldn’t try to put doubt in a friend’s partners mind. You then got him to agree not to meet up with her on his own but he did anyway. Too many issues for only a year long relationship, you need to find someone who’s actions isn’t crossing your boundaries.

When I met my now husband he had a ex who wanted to stay friends and when I came on the scene she wasn’t happy and started to stir up trouble. They did have a flirty relationship, she didn’t want to lose that male attention but didn’t want him herself. Once she started making trouble between us we broke up and then started dating again a year later once he realised she was going out of her way to keep him single.

Equally though, he might have said "yeah she's fine with it" as wouldn't like to look like the bad guy. I see what the other poster was saying but try not to let that sort of thing play on your mind as it will not do your mh any good. It's easy to let your imagination run wild. I say this kindly.

I think trying to make an effort with a friend’s partner for all those reasons - and also just because why be arsey and unfriendly without good reason - is what most of us would do.