Why is my money his money?

Yes. I know what proportionally means, do you?

OP’s statement seemed contradictory, which was why I asked. From the follow ups from OP it’s clear they didn’t pay 50/50, but also that it wasn’t proportional to salary either.

He paid more at first but not necessarily in proportion to his salary. More recently OP took on more expenses and it may have been more like 50/50 or even tilted slightly towards her paying more, but since the partner isn’t working it was very much not in proportion to salary either.

I dont know if you are still reading OP but your money is his money because he views you as his servant!

Its a tough one, im married and always shared an account with my OH where both wages go into and all bills go out of. Our money all the way.
For you though, youve always had seperate accounts and if he always earned more but didn’t provide more then I can see your view. What would he do if you didn’t have those savings? How long is he talking about you keeping both of you? He needs to get his head of the sand and get a job any job to see him through or youll grow resentful.

I think you know the answer… don’t give him your savings they are yours that you’ve worked hard for. You’re not married so he has no right to them. A year with no employment is a big red flag and he could have got any lower paid job in the meantime whilst waiting for a well paid job.
Him not doing any house work sounds like he completely disrespects you! you should be coming home to a spotless house with dinner on the table if he’s not working.
I would be firm about the savings and just say no. He sounds too comfortable at not working and you will end up resenting him, breaking up and you have no savings left.
Really ask yourself if you want to be with someone who is willing to disrespect you like that? What are you getting out of the relationship? Does he have any redeeming features?

It’s hard to say without knowing more about your situation/relationship - age, children, how long you’ve been together, future plans, past experiences etc - but my gut feeling is that your “instinctive” reaction to want to protect your savings might be a red flag about how you feel about him. Do you think maybe subconsciously you want to hang onto your savings in case you decide to leave him at some point in the future? If he’s the man that you really see yourself spending the rest of life with, I’m not sure you’d be having these reservations. It sounds like his period of unemployment has shown you a side of him that you don’t like, and I really don’t blame you. If I was working full time and my partner wasn’t, I’d expect him to pull his weight around the house and would find it very off-putting (immature, selfish, etc) if he didn’t.

Are you not married?

Don’t think you’ll be able to insist in law that it’s a loan ie you won’t be able to force repayment. Tell him he gets any old job literally shelf stacking at night or washing up in a kitchens instead. Then you’ll consider increasing your share of expenses. But only marginally. Otherwise grey rock and don’t engage with him.

Get rid

He needs to get a job, ANY job. PLUS he should be doing household shit when he has time on his hands. A year is ridiculous. I wouldn't be keen on funding him either!

ATM he's just a cocklodger.

My partner was in a similar position.

He lost his job in the fallout from Covid.
He was out of work for just over 2 years.
He had payment protection insurance which covered about 1/2 his typical salary but we burnt through all our joint savings which were substantial as we had been planning on doing some renovations.

In this time he did no housework. He didn’t even put his plates in the dishwasher.
He refused to get any sort of job (ie shelf stacking/food delivery) as he said this would stop him looking for/getting a proper job.

Our young child was in Nursery 3 days a week (he did look after him 1 weekday a week) but he wouldn’t stop or cut down his Nursery days as again he said he couldn’t look after a child and job hunt.
Not un-regularly he would tell me he also had to job hunt over the weekends so couldn’t help out with our child then either.

Now that he finally is in work (earning a fair amount more than me) he won’t pay a penny over 50% into our joint account for bills etc. (in the past - several years ago - we had paid in proportionally to our salary).

It’s a long story but what i’m saying is - listen to your gut. I’m now seeing a therapist and planning to leave in the NY. Wish I’d done it sooner

Do you know what proportionally means? Clearly they didn’t pay 50/50 they paid based on their relative salary’s. He also paid for holidays. It seems the op was happy to use his money for holidays, but now it’s a case of, what’s his is ours, but what’s mine is my own!

Ofcourse he should get a job, any job that brings in money. But we are only getting one side of the story. As partners l think you should work together, supposed to be a team.

In this instance her contribution to the household is parenting their baby - the partner should back them both financially during this period. Maternity leave is still labour and doing the partners share means that footing the bills is the least he can do. There is no comparison between maternity leave and a year bumming around like the man in this post.

A big firm no from me. I'd end it too, he thinks you're an easily manipulated mug.

After 6 months at the latest, he needed to be getting any job he could to bring in money and be pulling his weight around the house throughout.

I don't believe he couldn't find some work if he wanted it. He essentially decided to take a year off (and took the p*ss with housework) because he knew you'd simply do it.

He's now taking the absolute p*ss by asking you to fund his now established "lifestyle" which I think you should assume will continue until all your savings have gone. He thinks you'll do that too. Waiting until the last minute to apprise you of the financial situation is deliberate manipulation; he's pushed you into a corner and thinks you'd rather to use your savings to keep the peace, much like the housework, rather than draw the line. He'll say emotional stuff like "It's our money" to get what he wants.

OK with that? If you needed telling, he's being grossly offensive.

Whatever monies he needs right now are his own issue. Suggest he goes to his friends, family or bank for a loan to meet his obligations and if he can't pay, then he can't live with you.

Wait, so you’re working, doing all the housework, while he sat around using up his savings all year and now sees the solution to financing his neverending job search of either using up your savings or YOU getting another job!?! Er nope!

Funny that isn't it...

He should at least be cooking cleaning and grocery shopping.

He sounds like a pig...."Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes."
I don't believe domestic partnership or marriage is a reason for one grown-ass, earning-age, fully-able adult to sponge off another. He's in a relationship with you, not your bank account. If he was physically disabled, you were married and he had had a shared attitude towards his own money when things were going well for him, then I would say it would be your turn to take a shift as bread-winning. However none of these things are true. I would cut and run. He can find someone else to baby him financial or get his act together professionally. I'm amazed there are so many people saying you're unreasonable - they must be fully funded by their partners and out of touch with how hard bread-winning is. Cut and run and find yourself someone who is a team-player when it comes to finances (and domestic tasks). You can definitely do better that this guy.

I can't understand why, if he was paying 30% more than you when he was working + paying for you joint holidays, why you wouldn't have had a conversation about paying more than him while he was looking for work and had no income.. surely this is just something you would do to support each other as a couple?

This 'I'm alright jack' mentality really puzzles me tbh. It is like of the other post today with the man trying to recoup money the woman 'borrowed off him' when she couldn't afford to keep up with 'her half' of the bills while she was on maternity, he really thinks she should have paid half even though she only had a fraction of her income coming in!

Fuck him on the housework though, why any woman would tolerate this, much less enter into a serious relationship with, baffles me, especially seeing as he has been out of work for a year and still does fuck all round the house.

You should break up.

Interesting

anyone seen the thread where the woman is out of work (on Mat leave) and the man is begrudging paying and even treats the payments as a loan.

this seems to be the opposite way round. Many seem keen that the op doesn’t share when I think that thread was overwhelmingly against not sharing.

Yes. You could. I wouldn't want to share my life with someone who wouldn't do their fair share.

But then they money is irrelevant.

Leave him
What a free loader. He will bleed you dry. Get out now

Well you could say if he isnt willing to share the domestic tasks, why is he expecting her to share her money with him.

Seems like the sharing all goes one way......

Separate money is such a middle class luxury. There's been so many times in my life where I had to share money with the partner I lived with at the time, because we were dirt poor, we had to mind every item of spending to put food on the table and money in the gas meter, it simply wouldn't function to try and keep money separate.

Goops wrong thread