Why is my money his money?

You could argue these savings are from him paying in 1/3rd more, and for holidays, by the OP's own admission, it's not been 50/50 along the way.

Reading more of this thread, you know what it's like when you don't catch them at the beginning, always playing catch up; l'm a little shocked at the whole attitude to money and relationships, especially from people that have been married for so long.

For me, you're either all in or not at all, especially once married/kids

No.

@Monty27 Cleaning is a skilled job there are plenty of people with cleaning skill that needs jobs. Why would someone employee him to do that when before he was in a high paid job and still looking for one. I know a pub that employed a over qualified bar job and he decided that cleaning up was below him and was only doing drinks. This is why employers don't want these overqualified people.

Expand please.

It's Christmas, I don't know what your guy did, but I'm pretty certain there are seasonal jobs out there. Supermarkets need shelf stackers or delivery drivers. Warehouses need extra hands. I'm sure he'd find something. When there are big gaps in employment, it's not unusual to be asked why someone hasn't done anything at all during that time. It looks much better all round if an individual has made an effort.

If it was me, I would kick him out simple it should be share and share like obviously he didn’t share his when he had it so what goes around comes around

So you were happy for him to pay a third more than you for however long while, paid for holidays, you increased that savings pot, but now after 12 months of him largely being self-funded, you don't want to pull some extra financial weight?

I don't know how long you've been together, if you have kids etc, but you referenced him as your husband; you feel all but married, barring the piece of paper to me.

I never understand that couples who are married/ or living together with kids etc keep separate finances; how can it ever be 50/50 - one side of the party typically earns a disproportionate amount to the other, given that 85% of women leave full time work within 3 years of having a child this suggests that the bulk of the financial burden falls on the man. And there is nothing wrong with that; most men are happy with that deal. 50/50 wouldn't work. 'okay love, I'm taking the kids on holiday, sad that you couldn't afford to pay for your half of the trip, dont forget if you have the heating on, pop a pound in the meter, also I pay for the car so can you just walk or get a taxi everywhere'

Now, I'm fully on your side with a tidy house and meals cooked, etc - I'd be miffed if the other half didn't work, and then I came home to a messy house, etc. 100% pull him up on this.

This is an everyone sucks here situation.

What do you expect him to do if you won't "fund your lifestyle"? Eat steak in front of him whilst he makes himself beans on toast? Visit him in a box under the bridge and lend him a blanket if you're feeling generous?

He sucks for not sharing when he earned more.

I think you need to sit down and talk about how your finances work going forwards, on the basis that you're supposed to be a team, not two separate people doing your own thing with your money whilst not caring if the other is going without.

Both DH and I have lost our jobs in our relationship and the other has never just been left destitute because it's "my" money or "his" money.

No, No and NO! Your money Is YOUR MONEY and his money is his. You SHARE bills, rent whatever but red flag for him (non husband and all!)

Wanting to invade your private cache!! Youbare 10000% right to feel the way you do OP, thats very rich coming from him especially since you say there was no "our money" when he was earning his wad!!

Your post tells me you already know this is so cheeky and rude of him but i guess you love this man, hence the questioning yourself and this post to see who is being unreasonable but you already know - He was extremely out of order/unreasonable to even begin to suggest or expect that from you OP, its already been a year!! How many more is he asking you to single handedly manage?

This is a listen to your head, not your heart situation and only you know how much of this you can manage/take. At this point, your DP shouldnt be being fussy about the type of Job - to continue your lifestyle, take ANY JOB and continue looking around for his preferred Job while he is working and pulling his weight financially in the meantime.

Be smart Op and dont allow him being out of work for too much longer because it reallllly is impossible for only one hand to clap and you did not get into this relationship to end up worse than you were when you started it. You've got this, if you follow your head 👌

See I’m married with him 21 years my money is mine his is his. He’s extremely selfish so I wouldn’t expect a thing from him I’d work things out myself. He has no idea what I earn what savings I’ve got nothing. I have an idea what he earns that’s it. Some couple are very seperate financially unfortunately. We do 50/50 to the penny.

You are a couple? Surely you support each other when times are rough? Would you expect him to support you if it was the other way?

I use the 'thanks' button.

I take it to mean 'thanks for typing what I was thinking'.

I agree with you that’s your money. I’m married been with husband 21 years and only ever done 50/50 bills and I carried him for 4 years when he couldn’t get a job. I to this day take the larger financial load with kids and Christmas/ birthdays and so on. I wouldn’t touch my savings for him and I wouldn’t ask him for a penny. Some marriages share everything we never have and never will what’s mine is mine what’s his is his and in 21 years I’ve not even asked him for as much as a £5. Even on maternity leave and him earning a fortune I still had to meet my half. Some men are utterly selfish twats and yours sounds like he’d happily sit and spend your savings. Not a chance tell him to take any job.

When I was made redundant years ago, I did agency work. The unemployment office advised me against it saying that one shift would exceed amount allowed and then application for unemployment would have to be redone. I chose to take agency work and did not receive unemployment payments because I decided that the longer a fit and able person is unemployed the harder it will become to find employment. Employers will want to know why no type of paid work was done - unless there are legitimate reasons eg ill health, carer duties and so on.
Agency work was not as well paid as full time because it was not secure, but it resulted in finding other work very quickly.

why does it matter what the job is?
Very judgemental
I value all my friends, family and colleagues, irrespective of what job they do!

In that case, do not call him DH, he isn't and all the protections and assumptions round finances in marriage do not apply to you.
It's your money. Do with it as you please, he is not entitled to a penny of it.
On the bright side, you can leave this charming partner with no strings. I would if I were you, because he seems to think living together = my money's mine, and hers is ours. There are words for him. Mostly rude (all rude, actually).

Absolutely this, I have lots of retired professionals working for me as exam invigilators, and one is a retired detective sergeant used to heading murder enquiries at the Met! He also works in a garage on the tills and used to taxi children to and from school before he came to work with me, not because he needs to but because he likes being busy. I can't comprehend sitting on my arse at home for a year. I have a second income from boarding dogs in my home in school holidays and at weekends - there's always something you can do and surely self-respect means that you get out there and earn something.

This happened to me this year. We used to pay 50/50 when he was earning too. But then he ended being out of work for 8mnths ..he was also "looking for work" but he was being unreasonably picky about getting a job/what kind of job, refused to work for minimum wage etc ..every excuse you could think of ..when he realised I had no savings left and couldn't keep him any longer, he ended up signing with numerous agencies and unhappily getting a job that way as he had no choice and no more money.
I absolutely regret using my savings which took me a long time and hard work so I had some kind of fallback.
He's definitely being unreasonable if he's still expecting you to continue to lay and use your savings

Also I know police officers of higher rank, detective inspector level who when retire (usually early fifties) take on a role such as supermarket deliveries, they do not think it’s beneath them at all, they’re used to working long unsociable shifts and just get on with it. Driving a van and handing over shopping, it’s easy money and loads of jobs to go round this time of year.

Seems a very unequal relationship to me. What is he contributing? What has he contributed in the past? It appears that he wants you to use your savings so that he can remain off work and doing little for another amount of time. The longer he is out of work the harder it is to get a job. If you make things too comfortable for him he will want to continue for as long as he possibly can as things are - so dont facilite this. Say no to using your savings to live off. Redefine boundaries in your home whereby if you are the breadwinner then he is the home keeper and does the housework. Otherwise how is it fair and in what way is he supporting you and contributing anything?

I think your voting will be massively off so you’ll need to ignore it. I voted YABU in that you said you were a married unit (didn’t clarify kids) and you didn’t mention he does no housework. If you had said you aren’t married, you have no kids together, no mortgage and he does absolutely nothing round the house, then I would have voted YANBU.
You need to lay down the law and give him a massive kick up the arse or you leave this relationship

@legal2 I hope you’re not actually a lawyer. Your comprehension skills are very poor.

If you were to divorce the White v White sharing principle would apply (assuming it is more than a short marriage) and he would be entitled to 50% of ALL marital assets including your savings. That's the law on divorce. How you live your life whilst married is your own choice and from the sounds of it H wasn't particularly generous with his earnings when times were good.

@Autumntrees1234 I can tell you now that Iceland are recruiting for Home Delivery Drivers.

If he has a driving licence, no more than 3 points and is flexible in working hours, he’s likely to get taken on.