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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why is my money his money?

485 replies

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:23

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

OP posts:
Ellieostomy · 03/12/2024 00:38

Tbh if it was me and my DH, I’d feel glad he felt he could come to me and I wouldn’t mind helping out. But I also know if the tables were turned, he’d be equally generous. Long partnerships often have times where one is more financially dependant on each other, relationships are about give and take.

but if you feel like he’s doing too much taking and not enough giving, to the point where you don’t want to help him when he needs it, maybe it’s time for you to break up. I’ve been there and it will cause resentment whatever you do.

UncharteredWaters · 03/12/2024 00:35

Well now he needs ANY job and by that I mean anything to bring in money.

A stint cleaning toilets in a nightclub might focus him on getting his act together to get a different job.

There are few people who can’t get any job in a year but many who can’t get the one they want.

WeeWigglet · 03/12/2024 00:34

I mean, I assume you're living together so if he's not earning, yes, you're going to have to pay the rent or you won't have a home.

But it changes things, him being a DP not DH. So he's no claim to your money if you chose to leave.

This is your opportunity to sort this out - what do you want to do?
What happens in the future? He gets another higher paying job & you're left trying to claw back your savings solo? Forget that.

Assuming you want to carry on the relationship, I'd ask him what he intends to do when he's employed again, compare it to what you think should happen & take it from there.

Don't let him fob you off with 'Ill sort it' or other vague versions of 'Im not telling you'.

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:32

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/12/2024 00:30

Why are you calling him DH if you’re not married?

By accident really but I can't edit my OP.

OP posts:
Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:31

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2024 00:29

What’s he been doing for a year?

Applying for jobs and, truthfully, not much else. Not a great believer in domestic tasks.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 03/12/2024 00:30

Why are you calling him DH if you’re not married?

Isittimeformynapyet · 03/12/2024 00:29

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:27

Thank you for your reply. We aren't married and I think he needs to contribute.

DH means husband.

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2024 00:29

What’s he been doing for a year?

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:27

Enough4me · 03/12/2024 00:25

In marriage the finances need to be shared to a degree. Do you want him to go into debt? Would you consider leaving him?

Thank you for your reply. We aren't married and I think he needs to contribute.

OP posts:
Enough4me · 03/12/2024 00:25

In marriage the finances need to be shared to a degree. Do you want him to go into debt? Would you consider leaving him?

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