Why is my money his money?

@WearyAuldWumman I absolutely agree that the pension system was reprehensible when we were in our 20s. I wasn't even eligible for the occupational pension scheme until I was 24. That applied to the men too. That was in financial services as it's now known!

To be fair dd is teaching and her school now puts new recruits into a DC scheme rather than the TPS so I think it's swings and roundabouts vis the pensions. When MIL was pg with DH she had to stop teaching at Easter when DH was due in August because it wasn't seemly for a noticeably pregnant woman to be teaching the little children. No job to return to of course.

Would you have changed anything overall though? I think it's tougher for them now despite their rights.

It was a question - hence the ?

Window cleaner would B associated WITH U

It is a rather out dated thing now - even though we still have windows

We're the same age.

I started working as a teacher in '84. In my 2nd yr of teaching, I discovered that my first two years of pension contributions would disappear if I were to die in service; however, the two male probationers who started the same time as me would have their contributions passed to their parents.

I can't recall the precise date, but that only changed when certain legislation came completely in effect. (The act had already been passed.)

I certainly had my own bank account when I was a teenager. I think I got my first cheque book when I was 18 - I can't recall precisely: it might have been a bit sooner.

I agree with @Blossomtoes above.

However, I'd like to know the sources for some of the information in that Guardian article. I don't believe women couldn't have their own bank accounts or enter credit agreements without the approval of a man prior to 1975. Both my grandmother and mother had their own bank accounts, my mother certainly before she was married in 1960 and my grandmother was the principal shareholder in a significant business from the early 1950s. I'm also not persuaded that the retirement age was equal for men and women from 1986 as quoted.

I had a bank account with a cheque book aged 16, and a bank card aged 17. 1976/7. I just walked into the bank and asked for one. Nobody gave me permission and it was much easier to open a bank account then than when my eldest was 16 in about 2010. I was 18 in 1978 and had no issues buying a drink in a pub or wine bar. I did from 1975/6 when I was 15/16 - with no questions asked and no ID required.

There were of course sexist comments and attitudes and we countered them.

FWIW DH and I do not have a joint account. We have been married for 33 years and have never had an argument about money.

Thanks to women who did have to fight for the right to financial independence during the last century you’re able to ask such an incredibly ignorant question @sandyhappypeople.

Women in the UK couldn't open a bank account in their own name until 1975. Here is a timeline with some more things women had to fight for.

www.theguardian.com/money/us-money-blog/2014/aug/11/women-rights-money-timeline-history

didn't have to fight every step of the way to get their own bank accounts and credit cards in their own names etc. etc.

What on earth are you talking about? Why would you think a woman would have 'to fight' to get her own bank account or credit cards??

Agree 1000%, there are a lot of males on this thread conflating bumming around the house endlessly (not so much as carrying a dish to the dishwasher) like the man in OP's post, with unemployment due to full-time childcare or long-term sickness/disability. It's not the same thing!

If men had historically been suppressed from earning, didn't have their earnings/pensions/promotional prospects hit when they had kids, were earning 20%+ less than what women were in comparison, you may have a point.

I think there is a point even still that as men earn more (generally), didn't have to fight every step of the way to get their own bank accounts and credit cards in their own names etc. etc. etc. that your suggestion about seeing this post written from the other way around might be interesting.

I'm not sure of the validity of seeing the post from the other way around based on what the OP is currently facing though.

You really need to agree your financial arrangements. Are you effectively common law partners, do you share a mortgage, do you both see this as a long term relationship?
If it's a precarious relationship id be looking to protect my savings. Long term stable relationship, you need to pull together and support each other during difficult times.
If he has no money he needs to get a job, ANY job. Like Sainsbury's driver or cashier. There's no room for pride when there are bills to pay.
And if he's out of work he needs to find another way of contributing to the household, like DIY, housework, cooking dinner. If he doesn't do any (preferably all) of those things then your relationship feels very one sided and possibly doomed.

I’d love to see the MN answers if this post was the other way around and a guy felt like this. It would be full of outraged posts saying she should leave him immediately and how could he be so insensitive. You are living together and in a partnership - try looking up the definition of the word online. He should be pulling his weight (not everyone can do so equally in terms of finances) but I think your relationship must be pretty poor - I couldn’t think this way about some I loved and wanted to spend my life with.

I'd say he needs a job first before getting into having children.

I'm making the point that you need commitment if you're going to have kids. If they don't have any then yes things are different

All of this plus they have never previously shared finances - he has always kept his money separate. But now expects OP to pony up her life savings to support him whilst he sits around for an indeterminate amount of time, waiting for his perfect job to appear.

He's not her husband though, he's her boyfriend, they don't have kids, he doesn't have cancer, he doesn't do any housework and he hasn't tried hard enough to get a job. There's absolutely no reason why he couldn't pull pints or stack shelves whilst waiting for the perfect job offer to come along.

Male perspective here - I supported my partner, later my wife, for years while she didn't have a job. Later I physically cared for her when she became ill and died of cancer, making me a single parent. "For richer for poorer, in sickness and in health" - these things really matter if you have kids. Assuming you are going to stay together you need to use the money you have... and yes he needs a kick up the backside if he's not doing anything while he's not working

"Finances should be shared in a partnership" -according to you. People should be able to define the "should"s in their partnership, particularly as they're not even married. OP's man doesn't seem to think he "should" do housework or contribute anything at all. He didn't take a shared attitude towards money when he had it do it seems a little convenient that he's doing it now

You should add up everything. For clarity if nothing else.
It sounds like he contributed when he was working, and he's made an effort to cut his spending, so its a delicate negotiation. But you have been contributing much more since he's been out of work.
So you have already been subsidising/lending him money for the last year, which would otherwise have presumably gone into your savings/pension which is very important whether you are married or not, but you do need to have an eye to your future. Its good to know the sum if there's a suggestion that you have been ungenerous. You've already been generous on both fronts.. so now what is he prepared to do to change? Its not just about money. You've also been doing all the work to allow him to apply for jobs. But he can't afford a free housekeeper, cook, valet, personal assistant anymore.
Get a spread sheet and work out how much you've subsidised estimated outgoings on food/rent/bills/petrol. then work out on a monthly basis how much you will be paying in 2025 - with a cumulative total under each month...
I say this NOT to put pressure on him and NOT to point score because he's probably frantic and gambling that something will turn up soon, but the longer he's out,the harder it will be.
He needs to see in black and white how much you have spent and how much you are likely to have to spend if time goes on, before he casually gets you to write a cheque. Again, this is not to make him feel bad, but for you to be informed yourself of what's being asked and how this will be sorted out in the future.
Also what would the plan be if you were suddenly out of work, but had no savings left.

You have a few knots to untangle.

1. your financial situation and 2025
2. his lack of any effort in the house and leaving the full burden to fall on you - he needs to step up now and you need to divide up the chores fairly, so you don't have to ask. You need to know that he will continue to go halves when he's back at work. 3) his job search- whatever he's doing currently is not working. Yes, he's had interviews.. He needs a complete rethink given the amount of time its taking. See a job coach. Go through his old contacts and ask them if they know of anything. Get recommendations from previous employers. Speculative applications to companies he knows he has the skills for, Voluntary work in his field, which at least shows he's busy. A paid part time job ( because some job applications can take forever and you need to be quick off the mark to stand a chance) Lower grade jobs in his field with a view to applying for internal positions? Are his skills translatable to other sectors? There must be places that can help him draw up some kind of plan and review and re present his CV. But employers will want to know what he's been doing in a one year gap,so he needs to find something constructive to put.
3. and finally for you to consider what you want for the future.

I don’t think OP is coming back… she’s loves this cocklodger 🤣

An unmarried woman’s savings are her safety net in this cruel world.. we are all just a couple of paychecks away from homelessness and the need to rely on benefits.. unless you’re OPs DP of course, you’ve got a woman’s savings to sponge off!

Why is this guy not getting job seekers allowance and support?? If he’d been such a high flyers, he’d know that such a long gap in employment is frowned on.

well OP, if you do come back, think about what you’ll say to your family and friends when you start asking them for money because your savings have vanished, and the second job YOU took on, to fund the cocklodger leaves you exhausted and with no time to yourself to do all the housework!

The issue is the no housework. I can't really believe men think they dont have responsibilities like this. He's not a good partner and even if he gets another job he will always be lazy. This will only get worse.

Has it not occurred to him that it will be easier for him to get the job he wants if he's already in work? How does he plan to justify to employers how he's spent the year unemployed? And he's not keen on housework, so what's he been doing with his time?!

Don't worry, it takes ages to learn te group shorthand !

First off you don't sound well suited tbh secondly
Finances should be shared in a partnership
I would suggest you tell him to apply to even part time work for now or sign onto universal credit

Could he get a job in Aldi or Lidl? Serious question. They pay well. As you are not married I would say you absolutely do not give him a penny of savings. He either gets a job any job and works loads of hours to pay his share or he leaves. If he isn't doing housework he sounds lazy.

I've seen a lot on Mumsnet over the years, but a man who chooses not to work for a year and does no housework so basically does fuck-all, while you work FULL-TIME and do ALL THE HOUSEWORK, and he wants to live off your savings - and now he’s suggesting that YOU get a second job??? 😫
For the love of all things holy OP - get the fuck out of this fucked-up "relationship" and please spend some time building up your sense of self-worth & self-esteem so that you don't fall under the spell of another bullying cock-lodger!! Wishing you well x