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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why is my money his money?

485 replies

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:23

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

OP posts:
Pipconkermash · 03/12/2024 07:27

Cannot get over that he sits at home all day and ‘doesn’t think he should have to’ do any domestic tasks, instead choosing to leave them all for you. When you get home from your full time job.

No.

Loloj · 03/12/2024 07:27

I voted YABU as you called him “DH” which is completely different. If you’re married then what’s yours is his and what’s his is yours etc. In your update you said you were not married so this does make a difference.

However, either way your partner should get a job - any job (even if part time) to bring some money into the household whilst he finds his next role.

Alondra · 03/12/2024 07:25

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 06:13

Thank you for all your replies. Uol2022 I think sums it up. The way I feel is in some ways not about his work. I'm massively resentful of the fact that he doesn't do housework. Perhaps I'd be more open to dipping into my savings if he hoovered or cooked a meal every so often. I'm not sure why I have let this situation carry on for so long but I do need to do something about it.

You are resentful because you've let the situation fester for too long. He's not doing all he needs to do to deal with his unemployment. You know he needs to take any job available to financially contribute to the partnership plus he also needs to do most housework while he's unemployed.

HerkyBaby · 03/12/2024 07:23

Mmm so can I clarify - has he made any adjustments to his lifestyle and spending habits while he’s been out of work? Has he continued to go out with his mates etc?
I agree with everyone- you are not married therefore the contents of the 90 day account are your savings / security blanket and he needs to get ANY job.
Time for a massive reevaluation of this relationship.

andthat · 03/12/2024 07:23

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 06:13

Thank you for all your replies. Uol2022 I think sums it up. The way I feel is in some ways not about his work. I'm massively resentful of the fact that he doesn't do housework. Perhaps I'd be more open to dipping into my savings if he hoovered or cooked a meal every so often. I'm not sure why I have let this situation carry on for so long but I do need to do something about it.

Oh for gods sake.

So you work full time and do 100% of all domestic chores whilst be does neither of those things.

Raise your bar!

Stop cooking and cleaning for him for a start.

Really hope you don’t have kids with this role model.

Dimpliy · 03/12/2024 07:21

Bettergetthebunker · 03/12/2024 07:12

That’s your opinion which you are rightly able to have but it’s not based in the realities of a legal agreement that marriage creates. Assuming the OP is in the UK of course

Show quote history

Yes we all know marriage is a legal agreement but what specifically are you referring to?

If they were married it would be even more imperative for OP to divorce him because the longer they stay married the more he would be entitled to her assets.

If OP and him were married today and decided to divorce the fall out wouldn’t be extreme as (1) they don’t have children yet (2) they don’t a own house yet they rent (3) neither has significant assets / savings.

Hence the advice is to dump him now instead of getting further enmeshed with him.

Original poster
Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 07:18

Just to add, he has massively reduced all his expenses so stopped going out, buying random things etc etc. And he has had lots of interviews. Quite a lot of jobs he has been unsuccessful because the job has gone to an internal candidate. I feel sorry for him because he definitely doesn't want to be out of work and it's making him unhappy.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 03/12/2024 07:17

If you're working full time then he should be pretty much doing all of the housework. If he doesn't want to do that then he should be lowering his job/pay expectations and taking whatever he can get.

Bettergetthebunker · 03/12/2024 07:12

Dimpliy · 03/12/2024 06:52

It doesn’t make much difference. A lazy husband with no job or inclination to do housework should be gotten rid of just as much as a live in partner.

Show quote history

That’s your opinion which you are rightly able to have but it’s not based in the realities of a legal agreement that marriage creates. Assuming the OP is in the UK of course

isthesolution · 03/12/2024 07:10

And what happens when those savings run out? Or you have an unexpected large bill?

He needs a job right now! Minimum wage, whatever hours he can get and he can be applying for other jobs as well!

The gap on his CV will look terrible. An employer will be impressed he found any work whilst finding the right position.

And in terms of housework/cooking - I'd be saying 'I'll cook tonight, can you do tomorrow?' And the same with housework - while he isn't working he should absolutely be doing it all!

Womblewife · 03/12/2024 07:10

Just remind him that when he was earning you had your own savings and that doesn’t change now he is out of work. Don’t use all your funds - it’s December and there is lots of seasonal work about , it just sounds like he is looking for something he would like rather than doing anything. He is not in a position to be choosy after a year out of work.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 03/12/2024 07:10

@Autumntrees1234 has he changed his lifestyle apart from being more sedentary?? eg. buying clothes, going out with friends, takeaways etc???

Original poster
Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 07:09

OrangeSlices998 · 03/12/2024 07:00

Okay so he’s been looking for work, but what does he DO all day? Because at a bare minimum I’d be expecting my unemployed DP to be contributing to the house (daily tasks, cooking) if I’m working and he’s not, and there’s no kids. You’ve allowed this to tumble on for quite a while OP, do you love him? Is it a relationship for the long haul?

I do love him very much but I'm getting quite disillusioned about the difference in the effort we both put in. I think I work hard and I'm upset that when I get home from work the dishes are still in the sink. If I said please do the dishes he would. But I don't think I should have to. I'm not his mum. He's a grown up man.

OP posts:
BadSkiingMum · 03/12/2024 07:09

LouiseTopaz · 03/12/2024 05:27

I know many people who held high-paying jobs for years but were made redundant and, even five years later, haven’t found roles at the same level. Many high earners find it challenging to accept lower salaries. However, since lockdown, there’s been a growing number of people, like myself, working for London-based companies while living in more affordable areas, where lower wages are more acceptable due to reduced living costs.

Despite claims to the contrary, ageism does exist. In your 50s, securing these "top" positions can be difficult due to assumptions about expecting higher pay, nearing retirement, or potentially clashing with a company's established culture and practices. Additionally, I’ve noticed many companies now prefer candidates they feel they can "mould" to their specific needs.

You've not gone into any details on career type, industry, age etc. so it's hard to give advice. But a lot of people I know in the above brackets worked as consultants on a self employed basis and had more luck finding work that way.

Yes, this. I am actually completely unsurprised by the OP’s post. Have many people on this thread have job hunted recently? It’s a very tough job market out there, especially now any London job that is advertised as ‘hybrid’ seems to attract applicants from Birmingham to Bournemouth. It seems to get worse with every month that passes as more and more people probably join the job market.

The ONS reported in Oct that the number of advertised vacancies had fallen. There was a recent segment on Jeremy Vine R2 (‘Jobs and Floods’) about the challenges of job hunting. There were lots of well qualified, motivated callers who just said that they were getting nowhere due to the intense competition.

Obviously getting a NMW job is a possibility, but I don’t think employers always want a late forties ex-manager in their team…

HolyPeaches · 03/12/2024 07:09

@Autumntrees1234 is he receiving job seekers allowance/universal credit? If not, why not?

Tiswa · 03/12/2024 07:07

What does he bring to your life - he doesn’t sound like a partner and he should be stepping up with chores etc

Dimpliy · 03/12/2024 07:07

Lots of people are hiring for Christmas. He doesn’t have the luxury of holding out for a job he wants. Tell him to get a temporary job whilst he applies for ideal jobs.

But really I think you’ve saddled yourself with a dud. Get rid of him before you making a lasting commitment like marriage.

He sees what’s his as his and what’s yours as his too.

Mischance · 03/12/2024 07:05

Two ways of looking at this. On the one hand ideally you should be a partnership with sharing of assets and working together.
On the other hand he is not sharing the running of the household nor recognising that he must get a job .. any job .. in order to live.

The only solution is a proper conversation jn which you make it clear that you expect him to take on the housework, shopping and cooking since he is home all day, and also to take any job that brings in some cash. No compromise on these. And this would hold good whether your assets were pooled or not.

It does rather seem as though you are just 2 people who happen to share a house and a bed but are not in a partnership that has any substance. Is this your choice?

Tel12 · 03/12/2024 07:03

Would be better if you stopped doing everything and gave him a list. He now needs to take any job. It's obvious that after such a long break his skills are not in demand. Having worked through his savings his eye is now on yours. He needs motivation to pull himself up. Maybe cleaning and all the other chores will give it to him. While he's not working you shouldn't be expected to do very much at all.

Original poster
Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 07:00

I have reported my first post and asked it to be changed so people know we aren't married. I used the wrong abbreviation.

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 03/12/2024 07:00

Okay so he’s been looking for work, but what does he DO all day? Because at a bare minimum I’d be expecting my unemployed DP to be contributing to the house (daily tasks, cooking) if I’m working and he’s not, and there’s no kids. You’ve allowed this to tumble on for quite a while OP, do you love him? Is it a relationship for the long haul?

Cupofcoffeee · 03/12/2024 06:59

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:39

This is it exactly. I think he's holding out for a job he really wants rather than any job to bring in some money. I have made loads of suggestions including moving somewhere cheaper, he just says yes we could do that or I could get a job...

Show quote history

It's nearly Christmas so there's probably lots of supermarket, warehouse and catering jobs. He needs to apply for anything. So he's just been sitting on his bum all year and not even done any housework?? Do you have children? Don't dip into your savings.

Dimpliy · 03/12/2024 06:52

Bettergetthebunker · 03/12/2024 06:48

Voted because you wrote DH and now see it’s not. Makes a big difference

It doesn’t make much difference. A lazy husband with no job or inclination to do housework should be gotten rid of just as much as a live in partner.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 03/12/2024 06:51

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 06:23

In relation to people who have asked about what he has been doing for a year, he has been applying for lots of jobs, he has had quite a lot of interviews but has always missed out. I don't think he ever expected to be in this situation and time has just rolled on.

If he has been trying to get a job for a year, he either is applying for roles he hasn't the experience or skills for or he really does not want to work. You now have yourself a cocklodger.

You really need to have a word with yourself about him not doing any housework. Unacceptable.

Dimpliy · 03/12/2024 06:49

I don’t think he’s planning to work, OP.

He needs to get a job, any job, to contribute to rent and bills. Do not rent him any money.

I would be seething at the lack of housework he does. He sees you as a cash cow house maid.

Use this opportunity to dump him. This is not a man to have kids with. Send him to his parents.

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