Why is my money his money?

It's best to read ALL by the OP- they aren't married.

If you aren’t married then it’s not his money. You decide what level of support you are willing to give him. But don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Unless it’s really worth it for you.

I don’t think strangers on the internet can advise you here about what’s right or wrong. But you certainly aren’t legally obliged to share anything.

It would be helpful to have a bigger picture of

-how old you both are
-what work he did and is looking for
-if you have children together

I agree he should be getting any job (to an extent) but if he's a professional and well qualified in his field, he should be asking for feedback on his interviews (if he can get any.) If he's always had a professional role, falling into cleaning toilets won't look good on his CV (no matter how people believe it shows ' something'.)

Is his type of work in demand or not? Is he registered with agencies?

Why is he out of work in the first place? Redundancy?

Going for interviews and being rejected several times is a red flag.
It could be how he presents himself, his manner of speaking, body language etc.

He doesn't sound much of a partner because he's not pulling his weight at home.

I don't think you should give him any money. Yes you need to pay the bills but I'd put a time limit on all of this. And seriously consider if you're suited as a couple.

To everyone insisting that the OP’s partner should get a minimum wage job it’s not actually as simple as that. Employers are going to be wary of someone who is very over qualified, well aware that it’s only a stopgap and worried that he will be difficult to manage. Plus it will be more difficult to go to interviews for jobs he really wants.

OP, he’s got to pull his weight domestically. That’s non-negotiable.

On the job front, is he looking at contract work or freelancing in his area?

My ex was like this . He was made redundant with no real payout then spent months supposedly looking for work. I continued to take our son to nursery as places were like gold dust so he had no childcare and did minimal housework. He did sign on and eventually the Jobcentre got him a job in a frozen chicken factory ( completely outside his normal area of work) That soon focused him on finding another job😂

YABU.

If you’re happy to get kicked out of your house then only pay your half of the rent, you do you 🤷‍♀️ How would you feel if he wouldn’t pay your half if you became unemployed? Oh, I know, you’d make a post on MN whinging about him…

I never understand married couples who don’t share finances and, as for you two, you sound like flatmates who aren’t overly keen on one another 🙄

what's he doing all day if he's not able to do some house work? a year is a bloody long time to be out of work OP. He's not trying hard enough. Has he signed up with the job centre? they'll find him a job ASAP or even an agency!

absolutely ridiculous. I'm sorry you are going through this.

The man is a total cocklodger and is USING YOU!!!

the only option is to LTB

What does ‘fifty-fifty proportionally’ mean? It’s either fifty-fifty — you split all bills equally — or proportionally—you split bills in proportion to your earnings.

My DH lost his job earlier this year due to an accident at work. I am funding our life atm. However he home educates our 3 DC, is renovating the house (back injury and recovery permitting- he has to take it steady and rest some days) and we split the housework between us.

I had to go into our office 3 hour drive away yesterday, when I got home he'd cleaned up and started dinner even though he is sick with tonsillitis atm.

Your DP is moving into cocklodger territory, I understand you wanted to support him after losing his job, but he also needs to support you. It would be dangerous to dip into your savings, as that is your emergency fund really. So now he needs to get a job, any job. He should be cleaning and cooking anyway, as he eats and lives in the house too.

Good luck OP

Does he drive? Theres a lot of agency work he could apply for to keep things going in the short term.

I would not not be sharing my savings.

What is he spending his benefits on? He'll be entitled to UC whilst looking for work and his job coach will be supporting him in his search for employment.

He should be using that money for his share of living costs.

If he's not, then you have yourself a cocklodger. Get rid.

Hmm. Don’t like the ‘what’s mine is mine but what’s yours is ours’ attitude going on here.

Certainly in a marriage, I believe assets are joint and should be a partnership. I inherited money from my parents - in my view this came to our family, not just to me. DH is currently the bigger earner in our house - I am freelance - but all the money we make goes into the same pot. (He did once start referring to ‘his income’ in a bit of a ‘and therefore I make the financial decisions’ way which resulted in a fairly big row, given what I brought to the table in other ways! He soon realised how hypocritical he was being 😉)

Also, it’s really not ok for your DH not to take on more of the domestic load now he’s out of work. As I’m freelance and not going into an office, I inevitably end up doing more housework than DH. But if the roles were reversed it would be the same - indeed when things have been very busy from me he’s taken over on that front, no questions asked.

Job market is very tough at the moment though, so I sympathise with your partner on that front.

If he were your husband then legally you would be considered to share income etc..

As you're living together as a couple, legally you are expected to support him: he isn't entitled to out of work benefits (if you're earning enough to support him), because he's with you, so yes, if you want to remain in a relationship, you do have to support him. Otherwise, he needs to move out in order to survive.

Obviously he should be doing most of the housework though. If he were doing his share, it would be fair enough for him to want you to support him, but it sounds as if he's expecting you to do everything, which is wrong.

At home all day and does no house work!
Eh, no!
I'd tell him that if you want to work you will find work.

I had a relative abroad who met her husband at uni. The expectation in that country was that the wife would be a SAHM. (Men did no housework, etc and the women normally took charge of the kitchen garden as well. They were also expected to look after elderly in-laws.)

Their life changed when the country fell apart. They stayed with her relatives for a while and got a house swap, so at least accommodation was sorted.

I sent some money to help out. The husband got a job in his line of work for a while, but then lost it. In the meantime, my relative was taking whatever work she could find - childminding at one point.

Her teenage daughter got a job in a shop.

I sent more money to help out.

When I was able to visit, the daughter took me aside and told me not to send more money. The relative's brother made it clear to me that he was unimpressed - his BIL would only consider work in his own field. He refused blue collar work. (The brother's view was that his BiL should be taking any job he could manage.)

My relative and her daughter continued to work. The daughter went to night school and got her degree and promotion at work. Her son got a place at uni and qualified for a good job. My relative phoned to let me know that she now had her state pension. In the next phone call, I found out that she had been diagnosed with cancer. She didn't last long.

Eff knows what her husband is doing now. I suppose he's living off his state pension.

Your other half has to pull his weight, OP. Life is too short.

Money assumptions and lack of job aside, I’d be ending a relationship where the man does shit all around the house and thinks that’s all the woman’s duty. And when you’re working all day and he’s doing nothing, and still expects you to come home and serve him, hell no! That would be the end of things.

If he has been seriously looking for 12 months and constantly rejected he may be more than unhappy. If he has previously helped with the household stuff and it’s stalled could his self confidence been knocked so hard he might have become depressed. That will make doing anything so much harder. If so it’s worth him contacting his GP. Men can think they must hide how bad lack of work offers makes them feel when they are genuinely looking for work.

And I agree with other posters, keep your savings as your savings as you are not married. Supporting someone who has hit the doldrums when it’s a relationship based on real friendship and love as a partner does not mean handing over all your money as the solution.

Sounds like a pisstaker.

We try to split household tasks roughly 50/50 but when my wife was out of work for a few months the house was always spotless with tea on the table when I arrived home from work. It would be the same if I was at home all day

He should be doing that for you

When my engineer dad was made redundant in the 80s, he worked in a warehouse until he found another job. I was a young teenager and didn’t really understand, but looking back am so proud of him for that. I think his eventual employers were probably impressed too - better that than a year off. Can your DP speak to a job coach who might help him reframe his thinking ?

As he's not working I'd be expecting him while he's job hunting to do all household chores and cooking etc.

He's being picky about work because he knows he has you to fall back on...I bet if he was alone he'd have found work by now.

I would have no problem financially supporting him (ex-H was regularly out of work due to the 'famine or feast' nature of his job) until he found work, but he would have to do all of the housework in the meantime. And I wouldn't be going into savings to do it either.

But ex-H wouldn't have remained unemployed for that long. He would have taken a temporary job doing anything.

So you need to stop being a mug, OP, and get him to make some effort one way or another. For me that would be ONE talk where I laid out my expectations. And then a dumping if those expecations were not met, or if he slacked off again at any point.

He needs to be earning and paying part of his way while he looks for a better job: Amazon warehouse, minicabbing, retail, hospitality, portering (look up NHS admin and support roles) even a couple of afternoons in a charity shop volunteering. It might not be what he was on but minimum wage is more than no wage and keeps idle hands busy. My cleaner gets £17.50 an hour and there's a shortage of them.

I agree with everyone who says he needs to get a job, any job.

Do not touch your savings.

Do not marry this sponger, as then he will have legal access to your money in the event of divorce.