Why is my money his money?

Why didn't he start working at a supermarket as Christmas staff. My son was made redundant one September. He started at Amazon the following week and worked the Christmas period whilst applying for jobs he actually wanted.

It has just been Black Friday and it’s the run up to Christmas. Anyone without employment at this time of year doesn’t want employment

There are lots of job vacancies in all fields. If he's any good, recruiters will be bending over backwards to find him a job.

I agree he might have to think outside the box, but other PPs are right by saying he won't be employed way below his training level because employers will know it's just a fill-in role till he finds something better.

I had a stint after graduating when I wanted 'any job' and was rejected on the basis of being over qualified.

AS your DP cleared his savings to pay his way with bills etc. , I don't understand why you're so against using yours .

However , have a talk with him , as he really should be doing more around the house .

So, I assume he didn’t claim any benefits (UC etc) due to his savings? I am thinking this was a bit unwise as he could have claimed provided savings were under a certain amount (or once his pot reached that mark). As it is now, I would suggest claiming UC immediately - if he calls today he has 30days to complete it and it will be calculated from today.

Once you know how much he will receive, then the fair thing is for you to top up from there? He has been paying the rent, from which you’ve benefitted, out of his savings for a year so I personally think it is fair you pick up some of that now - BUT he has to do his bit in the house and go and do a job retraining/back into work programme to make sure it is only for a short period.

I am wondering whether he might have some low level depression/loss of confidence that is undermining his job seeking efforts, so a back to work programme and a check in with the GP/counselling might help?

So, having sat on his arse for a year and spent “his” savings ( I bet they weren’t called “our” savings then were they ) he now wants to dip into yours. I think not.

There is an old saying “any port in a storm”, and I think that in his case this could be updated to “ any job in a financial crisis”. He is seriously endangering your financial security, and for your own sake you need to stand firm.

The son of a good friend is a trained chef. He worked as a cook for many years, putting up with unbelievable hours. He changed careers with the birth of his first child because he wanted to be a part of his child upbringing.

He's been a forklifter for a few years now. He gets better pay and the standard hours he needed for his family.

Today's job market means taking the job with the highest pay packet, even if it's not what you trained for or the job you want from your university degree an experience.

So basically the relationship has always been unbalanced with him taking advantage of you and its only really now that you are totally sick of it.

I'd be sick of it too. Even if he did all the housework it would be minimal if there's only 2 of you. How hurtful that he wouldn't make the effort.

He could be working part time which would allow him to continue job hunting or doing agency work. He is in this predicament due to his own choices.

I hope that you are reconsidering your future.

Yes, I’m sure his employers were impressed. My DH is an electronics engineer…he also along the way got a forklift truck license, an electrician’s qualification and an air conditioning qualification from City and Guilds which the employer paid for. His logic was if he ever was out of a job, he had some ready skills to earn some money. Heck, DH could retire now and he still likes to work!

OP, really, your guy needs to do something, and this business about leaving your dirty dishes in the sink is pants. Would a job coach help? If he went to university, can he go to career services there as an alumni/get some tips on a c.v. I’m not saying the latter to be insulting…sometimes unis have internal adverts for jobs.

Keep your savings OP.

The job market is brutal, that's for sure, but there are jobs if you're prepared to lower your sights and keep applying. There should be retail jobs at this time of year, or even Amazon delivery driving or food delivery.

Was it a joint decision not to get married?

Have you said to him, ‘You need to do your share of stuff round the house without me asking or telling you.’?

This is exactly what i was going to write. If he is a right handed widget salesman and those jobs are hard to find, he may have to consider selling left handed widgets. After a year he is starting to look like a cock lodger.

I sympathise with his position in that he had a good job and is now unable to find anything on that level. However, it’s been a year now so he has to just get anything he can. Make sure he knows he can’t live off you and will have to go home to his parents/get a bedsit/houseshare if he can no longer contribute.

So you’re not married… I wondered to myself if he was not interested in marrying you when he was the big earner? Just wondering…

The domestic stuff is a separate issue. It’s not on and he needs to do his share at the very least.

Don’t lose your savings! You don’t say your ages or if there’s children but your savings are important for future security. You can’t always rely on the men in your life; as you’re finding out.

Do you want to answer some of the other questions- like what work did he do, why did he lose his job, is he registered with agencies etc?

If he' s looking for jobs in the public sector many of those are filled internally but legally they have to be advertised externally.

You would have to be absolutely out of your mind to touch your savings for a lazy man who doesn't lift a finger and treats you like a skivvy.

He could have picked up an evening job to help him tick over while looking, and done his share of house work.

He chose to be a lazy waster.

Get over your love of him if you want a decent future.
Look at moving on asap.

Love is only a hinderence to a good life if it is for a lazy loser.

Do not touch your savings under any circumstances.

There's big decisions to be made here. Time to address them, quickly.

If you agree to his proposal then it'll feel like you're investing in him. You'll feel like you need to hold onto the relationship because of your investment - so think about whether you do want to hold onto it, even if you're paying 100%, working full time and doing all domestic work, while he does nothing.

If you're willing to hold on to it but only if there's changes made, communicate that very clearly to him. If he wants to treat this like a partnership and money is 'shared', then other aspects of your life are also shared - the housework, cooking etc if not 100% your responsibility.

Personally, if you don't have kids I'd get out now - or at the very minimum couples counselling and some very big changes.
He's not currently improving your life, and he's about to start costing you money too - resentment is not easy to get over.

In many places there's always factory work through agencies that pays well above NMW (it was in the news that they couldn't get people even when paying £16 ph). It's dull and could be shifts but it would pay the bills until he finds the job he wants.

If he's having interviews but not being successful does he need some coaching in interview technique?

OP your posts are very confusing. Are you saying he's told you to get a second job?!

He needs to take a NMW job to pay towards his living costs whilst looking fur a job he wasn't. At 61 I have never been unemployed when I've needed/ wanted work. He is being lazy and he needs to pay his way. A year of NMW would have netted him over £18,000 in the year. Ridiculous he hasn't done that.

Does he feel sorry for you working full time and being unhappy that you are carrying all of the domestic load because he can't be bothered to do the dishes?

You need an honest conversation with him. He needs to pull his finger out at home and you need to point out that he didn't share finances when he was working, so why is he expecting you to offer up your life savings to him now?

I would tell him that you'll pay the bills for three months, but that your savings are staying separate, and then you'll both need to review the situation if he's still out of work in three months' time.

I understand the desire to want a job that he would like to do, but he's been out of work for a year. He needs to get a job - any job - so that he is earning and contributing. It's totally unfair and unrealistic to expect you to cover the bills indefinitely so that he can wait for something that he fancies doing to turn up. Plus the gap on his CV will become more and more difficult to cover.

He’s a cocklodger. He’s had a year to find some sort of job. My 18 yr old has 2! DD over the summer holidays from uni had 3! He’s needs to get out and earn. He also needs to be doing all the housework whilst not in a job and 50;50 when he is.
Don’t take out your savings for him.

that being said, he gives me the ick and I’d dump him.

OP I think there are 2 issues here - the money, and the share of domestic work.

As far as the money is concerned, whilst I agree about not dipping into your savings, I think you’ll have to accept that you’ll have to take over the payments for everything. If not you’ll have unpaid mortgage, bills etc, and that won’t benefit anyone. And surely if you’d been the one to lose your job, you’d have turned to him to keep a roof over your head?

I think the reason it’s annoying you so much is because of his laziness around the house, and that’s a huge issue that you need to address as a matter of urgency.

Your are not married so I agree you should look after your own savings. If you were a married couple with a family I would completely disagree.

Of you you don't have to support him. You need to make a decision. You can either support or separate.

All the supermarkets are employing recent graduates. Or less qualified people if they can.