Why is my money his money?

⬆This⬆

If you're not married then YANBU. Simple as.

You dont love him. Leave him. This isnt how unions work.

Has your DP signed up with a head hunter in your area? DH did and they found him a job (at age 58) within a couple of months. Does your DP have friends or ex-colleagues who could recommend someone?

Don't share your savings. That is one of the consequences (to him) for you not being married.

Do give him a list of things he can do such as housework, cooking, shopping, gardening to keep him occupied when he isn't applying for jobs. It isn't good for him to be sitting around brooding.

All the deep breaths in the world aren't going to help you accept this cocklodger not doing any housework.

OP, all joking aside, he can find a job if he wants to.

I'm a single mum. I was managed out of my job in August, aged 61. I have a son to feed and a mortgage to pay. No handy partner to pick up the bills. No family. No-one coming to my rescue.

Previously with a salary of £55k, I applied for everything in my sector on £24k upwards. I also signed up with two agencies. It took me eight weeks to find a new job. It's amazing what imminent loss of home and son's school can do for motivation.

You need to have a really blunt conversation. Tell him to get off his arse, find someone in marketing to assess and reformat his CV and his covering letters, and broaden his search. Ask the job centre for an interview mentor.

And introduce him to the hoover and the loo brush. He's not contributing anything to your joint life and needs to understand how that will end..

Is he really looking hard for a job or do you think he is being lazy? A year without work is a long time.

When he earned more, you were happy for him to subsidise you with extra rent and holidays. When he earned nothing, you had that continue with him burning through all his savings

But he wasn't paying 'extra rent and holidays' when he earned nothing. He contributed half.

He doesn't just want OP to put in extra, he wants her to pay for everything. Whilst he sits on his ass at home.

So if I have this right, he hasn't found a job in a year, but suggests you could get a second job, wants to use your savings and on top of that, doesn't contribute to housework.
He is beyond taking the piss

This. And let's not forge they aren't married. If they break up, the OP has no claim on his pension or assets at all.

Women way too often end up holding the financial short stick specially if they are in a partnership without rights.

There are jobs available in England for people wanting to work., He needs to stop thinking he deserves a job in his expertise area, and begin thinking he needs to contribute to his upkeep.

He is your boyfriend. Of course he is being unreasonable expecting you to use your savings so he can continue job hunting for another year or more.

Very entitled of him.

Why are you misrepresenting what OP said?

He ran through his savings paying HALF the rent. OP says they paid 'fifty fifty proportionally' and that actually she has been paying for more since he lost his job.

And when he was the higher earner he was paying a third more to the expenses. But that's not what he's asking OP to do here. He wants her to pay for EVERYTHING whilst he sits on his arse at home doing no housework.

This really. It's time for a bit of a come to Jesus meeting at your house. He's been too proud to take any work to shore up his savings and you've continued to live life as before content to let him burn it out entirely. You should have had a conversation with him much earlier given your mutual dependence on each other for bills and housing.

The housework is just icing on the cake really but indicative of his lack of respect for you and your savings. I would treat that as a separate issue.

1. It's a No to dipping into your savings. They are long term security for you and you may well need them in the way he has had to use his.
2. If you are staying together and you are doing the heavy lifting on the rent he needs to get any job going so he is contributing.
3. What can you actually afford together on one income? Do you need to serve notice on your house/apartment.
4. What can you afford to rent if you are renting solo?

can he not do some agency work in the meantime if the application route isn't working?

doing nothing for a year is hard going on both of you.

And I don't know where you live or if they're real posts you're seeing, but there's a major shortage of cleaners where I am, they have the pick of all the clients they like and £30/hr isn't uncommon.
If he's had many interviews then he's clearly doing something wrong at that stage, so he should be asking for detailed feedback from them, researching online, practising interview skills, talking to the job centre about practise and techniques.

The cleaners are genuine- it's my local Facebook group .

You need references. Would you welcome someone into your house to clean with no references or any recommendations from other clients? No.

The point about feedback from interviews i agree with- I said that several pages back.

Well if you were a man asking if his wife was being unreasonable asking him to spend his nest egg on daily expenses you’d get short shrift. Family money and all that.
Still I’m guessing he’s not a SAHP, just unemployed, so that may not be a fair comparison.

He might be selfish and lazy.

It is a tough job market, especially if you’re older.

There are bigger economic problems.

**
I don’t disagree with you, but all these things can be simultaneously true.

Look, I too think that he should be being more flexible in his approach, if he is not already being flexible, but all of these agencies with loads of open vacancies on their books are just a myth. Low skilled and unskilled jobs are dwindling, no agencies exist for freelance web design, because platforms such as Fiverr have driven down prices, and a whole load of clerical and secretarial jobs that used to be great for temping just do not exist any more. Even call centres are shrinking.

Never mind for yourself, I think you need to be cruel to be kind for him at the point too.

My friend's DH lost his well-paid, high-profile job ten years ago through no fault of his own. A new big boss came in and wanted his own team essentially. He got a year's pay but didn't take it well at all. Couldn't cope with the loss of status, fancy car, access to top restaurants etc.

Since then he's been involved in many start-up type businesses but has earned very little and totally refuses to take a salaried job. DP is furious with his friend, the DH, saying he should have got ANY job long, long ago. The marriage is about to end.

Your DP needs to get back into work.

In a relationship you have a limited amount of resource: time, emotion, effort, love, money. Sounds like you are using all yours up on both of you, and he's only ever used his on himself. I think you know to throw this one back into the sea OP.

So if I have this right, he hasn't found a job in a year, but suggests you could get a second job, wants to use your savings and on top of that, doesn't contribute to housework.
He is beyond taking the piss.

Whilst he may not have been successful in getting a job he wants, he could I'm sure in the past year, have got something that would have helped bring some money in whilst his search continued. I'd be more inclined to support him financially if he was making some effort to contribute.

There's lots of agencies in every area, I can name 10 off the top of my head in my local area. You can start work immediately, office, factory, warehouse etc. No excuse.

Whatever is local and fits him, there are loads for all kinds of things from warehouses to freelance web design.

What agency?

This, but make it on a month by month basis, so not committing to six months.
I would imagine that as he does no housework etc now, that he won't start doing it just because you've asked him to now. He doesn't see it as his responsibility.
To be honest, he sounds a classic cocklodger.

I employ people all the time in tech jobs who have all kinds of random stuff on their CV. But I never ever hire anyone with long gaps (without an excellent reason, and no covid isn't a reason because I say "what were you doing during covid" and they say "oh...nothing really"). This is because I look for people with a can do attitude, who throw themselves at whatever needs doing, not "I didn't even bother because I decided it was beneath me."

A good work ethic triumphs everything else all the time.

And I don't know where you live or if they're real posts you're seeing, but there's a major shortage of cleaners where I am, they have the pick of all the clients they like and £30/hr isn't uncommon.

If he's had many interviews then he's clearly doing something wrong at that stage, so he should be asking for detailed feedback from them, researching online, practising interview skills, talking to the job centre about practise and techniques.