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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH Christmas works do and lack of comms

213 replies

menopausalminnie1 · 02/12/2024 21:23

DH out on his Christmas works do tonight. He left at noon. Said he’d be home by 5pm. Said he didn’t want to stay later as it’s a Police do and they get utterly mental.

He’s 52 years old. Got a call at 6pm to say they won’t let him leave (?) so he will be home about 8pm. Fine. I actually don’t care what time he gets home ….if he said to me it would be midnight that would be fine, but because he says 8 pm I have done things like prepare him some food, put up the Christmas tree as a nice surprise, lit some candles and I’m sitting here waiting like a numpty

It’s now 915pm and he hasn’t left the city (we have find my friend) so earliest he could be home is 11pm with ZERO comms to actually tell me this.

i can’t imagine a scenario where i say ill be home at a certain time and then do the opposite.

not a huge deal but a bit frustrating.

Its a big birthday for me tomorrow and I’m guessing he will be asleep till lunch time

OP posts:
Edingril · 03/12/2024 06:33

SharpOpalNewt · 03/12/2024 06:25

I think a bit of texting is in order to let people know you are ok and that you are coming home a bit later. I've never been so drunk that I wasn't able to do that- not since texting was invented anyway!

Show quote history

If i am asleep I don't want to be texted

We need to cut the apron strings some time

SharpOpalNewt · 03/12/2024 06:25

Mugler · 02/12/2024 21:59

I would hoover the bedroom circa 8.30am

Just why? Why would you do that?

I think MN is madness at times. People tracking each other on find my friend and partners expected to text when they’re out with friends is very odd to me. If any of us go out we don’t expect each other to text updates on where we are.

I can imagine him out chatting to female colleagues

This screams insecurity to me unless there’s a drip feed and back story.

If this was a man posting the OP about his partner going out the replies would be completely different. He’d be called controlling etc.

Edited to add I’ve just noticed it’s a big birthday tomorrow for you @menopausalminnie1 there’s the rest of the day to do something if he gets up at lunchtime.

Edited

I think a bit of texting is in order to let people know you are ok and that you are coming home a bit later. I've never been so drunk that I wasn't able to do that- not since texting was invented anyway!

user1492757084 · 03/12/2024 06:25

Let it rest.
You rest up tomorrow morning though and remind DH that it is your big biirthday.
"Darls, you get up to the kids; it's my big birthday lie in."

Gunkle1 · 03/12/2024 06:20

I can see both sides but mainly YABU. Unless you where collecting him or he has history of dangerous/unsafe behaviour i would be in bed.

When my OH goes out, I couldn't care less if or when he comes home. But I do expect an idea of timings when I am collecting him so I know how to plan my night or if to go to sleep for few hours. My OH has also been know to walk home after a night out from the nearest city, which can be 12 miles away and through rough areas.

If I don't need to collect and know he won't walk home, I expect to hear from him briefly just to give heads up of if he is moving onto something. So if was a few drinks but decided to go to a club, or was planning a club night but was going to a house party etc. Just so I don't worry.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 03/12/2024 04:53

Ridiculous that he says they won't let him leave. But equally ridiculous that he's expected to update you with his plans as they change throughout the night. Only on mumsnet are people expected to check in with their partner all night while they're supposed to be out having fun.

Your drip feed indicates some other relationship problems but unless he's out getting slaughtered all the time that is completely separate.

Orangesunset8 · 03/12/2024 04:37

Why did you lighten candles and put the Christmas tree when he is in a work party; seems like bad timing to me. There was every possibility he will be delayed

garlictwist · 03/12/2024 04:34

I'm sorry but this is weird. It would not occur to me to expect my DH to tell me when he will be home or to wait for him or to expect "comms". Just let him get on with it and he'll come home when he's home. Does he never go out or something?

ASimpleLampoon · 03/12/2024 04:17

Well you're going to be up and out tomorrow enjoying yourself regardless off his hangover., so tough if that's not comfortable for him.

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/12/2024 04:10

I wouldn't be happy with the bullshit either - if you're not going to be back til 2am, don't piss about telling me you'll be back at 5pm.

And if theres a big event the following day, it's beyond rude, and thoughtless, to get so steaming drunk the night before that you'll ruin the entirety of the next day.

He's not a toddler, surely he can manage to use his words to tell the truth, communicate properly and have some thought for the person he supposedly loves?

SeatonCarew · 03/12/2024 04:03

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 02/12/2024 23:33

He's 52, she's 50, that ship has sailed....

Show quote history

You know nothing.

Moro93 · 03/12/2024 03:49

It isn’t the night before OP’s 50th! I don’t know why she said it’s a ‘big birthday’ tomorrow because in all her other threads, she says that she’s 55.

I wouldn’t be happy that he didn’t at least text to say he’d be home later, but I wouldn’t get too annoyed since it’s only a once a year thing. As long as he still makes an effort for your birthday I’d let it go.

However, the lack of sex is a different ballgame altogether…

Coalplay · 03/12/2024 03:45

Birthday eve

sammylady37 · 03/12/2024 03:43

EconomyClassRockstar · 03/12/2024 00:43

If it were any other night, I'd be fully on DH's side. But it's the night before your 50th? Why aren't you there too and then grabbing dinner together afterwards or something as a Bday eve thing?

Oh Christ, is ‘birthday eve’ a thing now??

HallidayJones6779 · 03/12/2024 03:43

JaneJeffer · 02/12/2024 22:06

Who says comms?

…

Volunteer Hand Up GIF by Robert E Blackmon
Codlingmoths · 03/12/2024 03:41

Don’t wait for him tomorrow, get up and go do something you want to.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/12/2024 03:38

EconomyClassRockstar · 03/12/2024 00:43

If it were any other night, I'd be fully on DH's side. But it's the night before your 50th? Why aren't you there too and then grabbing dinner together afterwards or something as a Bday eve thing?

You can’t just go to someone else’s Christmas do.
and why should he have to cut his night short for a meal with his wife that can take place and other day

Candy24 · 03/12/2024 03:07

I think your comment he doesn't fuck me is what the root issue is here. That completely sucks. I hope you guys can get back on track and sort that issue out. HUGs the party isn't the issue but that lack of sex is a huge one.

Spirallingdownwards · 03/12/2024 02:25

menopausalminnie1 · 02/12/2024 21:45

Yeah I’m not going to message him or anything. Just SO frustrating at the lack of communication. He told me he didn’t want to stay late as it gets really messy. And yet here we are. Not helped by the fact that our relationship isn’t the best right now. He never fucks me. I can imagine him out chatting to female colleagues though. It’s the lack of communication that’s a killer. Just fucking text me “I’ll be home at midnight “ so I’m not sitting here like a fucking sap.

Why did you though? You already anticipated he wouldn't be back for ages so don't sit there like a sap. Next time if it happens again just get on with whatever you want to do anyway.

Abouttoblow · 03/12/2024 01:19

Is there a man on the face of the planet that finds the Christmas tree being put up a "nice surprise?"

InWalksBarberalla · 03/12/2024 00:50

i can’t imagine a scenario where i say ill be home at a certain time and then do the opposite.

Really? I've done it a few times at functions when I get into the swing of things and lose track of time.
My work xmas function is later this week and I'm just going to say I'll be home when I get home and don't expect to hear from me in the meantime.

EconomyClassRockstar · 03/12/2024 00:43

If it were any other night, I'd be fully on DH's side. But it's the night before your 50th? Why aren't you there too and then grabbing dinner together afterwards or something as a Bday eve thing?

AnnaL94 · 03/12/2024 00:33

JudgeJ · 03/12/2024 00:27

Don't be ridiculous, they're not likely to be on duty!
I recall almost carrying a naval officer back to the small patrol boat he commanded and when we asked when he was next on duty he said he was already on duty!

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Just because they’re not on duty doesn’t mean they should be able to “get utterly mental” (work party or not) which implies excessive alcohol, potential drugs and inappropriate/dangerous/abusive behaviour. Like I said, doesn’t fill me with confidence for a bunch of a coppers.

JudgeJ · 03/12/2024 00:33

Freecyclefairy · 03/12/2024 00:30

Sorry I'm on the wrong thread aswell :-(

The OP can find it, take her mind off her husband's night out!

Freecyclefairy · 03/12/2024 00:30

Sorry I'm on the wrong thread aswell :-(

Freecyclefairy · 03/12/2024 00:29

I'm an idiot