DH Christmas works do and lack of comms

Gawd, thank goodness my DH doesn’t go out drinking and act like a selfish teenager. I couldn’t put up with that sort of nonsense.

I’d definitely be hoovering in the bedroom at 8am if I was you OP.

@menopausalminnie1 I totally get where you're coming from. YANBU.
It's the thoughtlessness of not bothering to let you know what's going on. It makes you feel right at the bottom of his list of priorities; like you/your time isn't worth anything.

My dh does this sometimes, and a typical conversation goes like this:
Him: I've just gone for a few drinks, but I'm only staying an hour...
Me: Are you sure?... stay til they close if you like, it's not like you go out much! Have fun!...
Him: No, I'll be home by 7.30pm, I want to eat together.
Me: OK, If you're sure. I'll get dinner done for 7.45pm then. Let me know if you change your mind.
Him: Ok.

So I'll make us dinner and at 8pm, he's still not here, and hasn't let me know he's changed his mind.
I'll text and no reply, then maybe at 10pm I'll get I reply saying "sorry stayed for another, coming home soon, though."
Then at midnight I'll get a text saying... I've had too much to drink, will you pick me up from the station? Which I do.
I'm fine with him going out, I just hate being messed around, and hanging about, not knowing what's going on. I also get annoyed that I've wasted my time getting food ready for a certain time/ made something he really likes, that then won't get eaten. I really dislike waste.

He's still asleep? At 7:42!

Why though? I had a good night out with pals on Fri was a toss up between lift with x at 1am or stay for bus they got back 3.30am. Would have been really annoyed if Dh pacing about at home like he was my dad 🙄. Actually my dad was quite chilled once we were 18. Dh fast asleep and blissfully indifferent

My DH does this all the time. Radio silence until he’s on his way home. He just doesn’t use his phone when he’s in company and then assumes I’m in bed or watching a film.

I don’t blame you for being upset. I would be too.
Communication is a very basic form of respect. Why should you have spoiled evenings etc… just because his plans change and he can’t tell you.

Come down hard when he gets up. It’s not a difficult thing for him to correct. It’s selfish behaviour and a lack of respect for your time and wants….

Happy 🎈

The tracking thing is disturbing. Apparently, if you're not doing anything wrong, why would you object......

That's not the point. I was with a friend once and, the conversation was briefly suspended as we watched her husband leave work and go home via a tracker. It was like Pac-Man. 😧Grim.

It is isn’t it! Going on your works do is hardly being a knob is it. When I get in tonight and my Bobby other half has my dressing gown warming on the radiator and is giving me a lift to and from my Christmas do this week I must remind him what a knob he is!

It does sound like you are doing performative “nice things” so you can have a go and martyr yourself to be honest. Look at poor me sat here waiting for you with your dinner on the table. Much better to leave him be then have a discussion when sober. I’d be taking issue with him saying they won’t let me leave though, that’s pathetic he’s an adult man.

God you sound like his mum. Leave him alone. Would hate it if my husband had me on a curfew wth.

well the op obviously !

I've got my Christmas do next week. It's a similar arrangement with starting at noon and probably finishing up a bit messy in the early hours. In my present sober state I don't intend to stay late, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions as my granny used to say.

My lesson from this thread is that I'll be telling my partner not to wait up for me and hoping they'll be pleasantly surprised when I'm home earlier than expected. Not telling them I'll be home early and disappointing them.

There's numerous posts like this every year around Christmas.

OP theres more to this than the christmas do
I mean even if hes not back til 11 or 12 so what? He's a grown man plenty of people stay out til that time, it's the xmas do?!
Its obvious reading your post that you don't trust him and don't like him staying out because you think it involves other women. You need to deal with why you think that.

I dont think you were ever reasonable thinking he'd leave at 5pm!

The SAS say it a lot I think.

Why didn’t you say this in the first post, that you are in a rocky patch and the later he stays out, you worry more that he’s getting more drunk and more likely to chat to female colleagues?

from the first post though, he’s on his works do, he’s going to be drunk and won’t notice the tree up and candles etc on his return. his colleagues will have been badgering him to stay. As long as he’s up tomorrow, to make a fuss of you on your bday that’s the important thing. I would say most people don’t get home on the dot after a work do, so don’t sit around waiting for him. The worry of him chatting up female colleagues is another issue.

My observation of various mumsnetters on this subject is that it's far better to not expect communication. They are on a night out, don't expect contact. I've never expected to be given a running commentary as to arrival time home, makes me far less worried

Its all about the peer pressure, being unable to say no to other men. I'd be pissed that he'll be totally u available on your birthday. I can't imagine he'll be fit for anything.
My ex H would be flat out all day after one of his regular benders.

Happy birthday 🎂 🎉
Make sure you go and have a nice breakfast or coffee and cake out. Or an activity you particularly enjoy.
Really unkind for him not to consider, presumably, commitments today to celebrate your special day.
Selfishly, sort yourself out today rather than hanging around waiting for him to wake up.

I have done things like prepare him some food, put up the Christmas tree as a nice surprise, lit some candles

Why would he want food after his work do-didn’t they eat?!

I honestly would have assumed he wouldn’t be home at 6 and just done my own thing.

Someone married to someone in the police?!

It's not badgering, it's ten seconds to send a text. Mobile phones are bloody great for this.

I don't think we need to worry about apron strings at 52. It's just about having respect for one another in the same house and letting them know you have not gone under a bus or had a heart attack and will be on a train or in a taxi a bit later than usual. It doesn't need to be constant texts but an update if you are going to be later than you said.

And it's not misplaced anxiety. In my lifetime family members have not come back from a football match as they had a heart attack and did not come back from a trip to the shops as they were hit by a motorcycle. The worst can absolutely happen and we have this wonderful tech to let people know we're ok these days, in seconds.

Who remember time before mobile phones when you just came home, no one badgering you for an update on your plans.