DH Christmas works do and lack of comms

Happy birthday OP

The whole “my friends won’t let me leave” just conures up images of him blaming having to leave early on you. Why else would they be saying he can’t go? Unless he was saying @menopausalminnie1 won’t be happy if I’m late etc.

Happy Birthday OP.

So he left you with no communication about what time he would be back, expected you to be awake to let him in and then left you to deal with the cats on your Birthday. It doesn’t say much about his feelings towards you.

DH out on his Christmas works do tonight.

• Said he’d be home by 5pm.

How is this zero communication?

Zero to me would be going out at 12, due back at 5pm and then nothing till he rolls in at 2am. That seems inconsiderate as your partner would worry. A 'don't wait up' text should be enough if plans change wildly.

I know you made an effort with the tree and food and it sounds like a lovely evening. That's my sort of thing as well. Is the retrospective 'pick me dance' to make him feel bad for going out in the first place? ''Come and look at what you could have won'' Bullseye style?

Which of you will be more disappointed at missing putting up the tree together and a nice candle lit dinner he didn't know about?

It won't be him.......

I also agree with other posters that there's obviously more to this wrt to the lack of intimacy and the worrying about who he's talking to.

That's a whole other thread OP. Make a new one for it x

Why did you get up at 6.30 to see to house cats? What could they possibly need so early on a morning? Genuinely interested, I have dogs so have to be up to toilet and walk them but surely you cats have a litter tray and don’t go for early morning walks

So DH said he'd be back at 5pm and didn't take keys and was instead at home at 11pm?

As PP have stated he probably had every intention of returning home early, but was enjoying himself so much he lost track of time. Or perhaps he was afraid of your reaction if he was suggested he was to stay out later (it's my big birthday tomorrow and you're staying out until when)? Who knows.

He probably should have text in advance but it's eaily forgotten with alcohol flowing. Plus there's noting worse than seeing colleagues constantly on their phones giving their partners a play by play update of their night out.

Fact is he 'rolled in' at 11pm which according to you meant he left the night out shortly after 9pm? So he actually does sound conisderate in that regard.

Guy needs a medal for managing to peel himself away from his Xmas do that early but instead he's probably going to be subjected to an earful for laying in past 7:30 on his partners 55th. He doesn't deserve sympathy if he's hungover but he also doesn't deserve being lectured for enjoying himself on his Xmas do.

Hopefully he gets up soon and you can have a wonderful day together.

Happy Birthday OP

A lot of posters will be only reading your first post and reacting to that or just knee jerking with 'leave him alone he's an adult back in the day there were no phones just go to bed ect ect'.

I get it though. It's not about what time he's coming home it's about tangling your life up in his plans and then not telling you when plans change. People are missing that point.

He made OP stay up to let him in cos no keys and not bothered texting to say he'll be late.

In the past he's made OP stay up late staying t total to give him a lift and then not let her know he's got a lift with someone else !

I think you need to make sure in future you have nothing to do with his plans if he goes out. I agree he's being very disrespectful to do this to you.

I think you're only mistake is not taking notice of his past actions and still believing he'd keep you updated ..... he's obvs got form for this.

OK, Picking this apart…

No reason not to take his keys. I view this as selfish. What if OP was invited out and couldn’t go because fuckwit didn’t take his keys.

Selfish not to update you.

Very optimistic of you to think you would be able to do anything fun with him on your birthday, given it’s the morning after his work Christmas do. I would have planned to go out with friends.

Underlying all this, you have no intimacy. What’s the story there? Does he demonstrate love for you in any way? If not, why are you still there?

You say he won’t have sex with you OP. You’re sitting winding yourself up imagining him out drinking and partying with other women.

When my husband mutters the words it won’t be a late/messy one in relation to a works night out, my response is famous last words.

Work do’s are notorious for being messy, I never look forward to them, never intend to stay late, then someone gets the shots in and that’s me for the night.

its once a year, he’s having fun and he will no doubt be talking to female and male colleagues. He’ll probably pick up a greasy kebab on the way home, food and candles definitely not necessary

Lol this made me laugh so much! So true.

😂

YANBU…but next time just tell him to take his keys, don’t offer lifts at the expense of your own fun, and detach a bit at these times.

Don’t be a martyr - I say that kindly, not scathingly. It just invites resentment where it could be avoided. Especially since he has form for changing plans that leave you hanging. Changing plans isn’t the worst behaviour but it is impacting on you - you can prevent that so the changed plans don’t matter anymore.

My dh goes out twice a year with a big group of friends from his earlier years. He always has the best intentions and I always know as soon as he has a drink they go out the window. He said last month, I'm only having a few il be back about 3 (met up at 12). I just laughed and said sure you will, just have fun and il see you when you're back. He got in at 12am, which compared to the time some people's partners get in on here was pretty good. The best thing you can do is take it with a pinch of salt and get on with your night. Happy Birthday.

He should have taken the keys regardless of when he planned to be home (if he did it as some sort of "guarantee" he'd leave early, that's just idiotic). It's really entitled to expect anyone to sit at home ready to let you in at any time. If DP did that I would go out myself and TAKE MY KEYS.

If dh is going out I don't expect a return time he should be able to enjoy himself without having to plan when he wants to come home in advance.

Unless I was picking him up in which case I would discuss the time in advance and agree before he goes out.

I totally get that specifying a time of return then not sticking to it is annoying but he shouldn't have specified any time at all. If DP said he'd be back at 9pm from work drinks (which he wouldn't) I'd roll my eyes, say "yeah right" and think no more of it - I certainly wouldn't hold him to it.

No I did not discuss how I was getting home at all. I’m an adult! I would hate these stifling relationships urgh. We used to ….mot have phones you know,

This is something else that crops up on these threads all the time. WHY did he go out without keys? Why do so many men do this? I can't really process the idea that for some people it's not automatic to take your keys with you if you leave the house. Especially if you're going drinking! I'd be seriously unimpressed if DP didn't take his keys then either expected me to wake up to let him in, or woke me up when he got back.

This is the norm for DP and I too (and the one at home usually is in bed or watching a film, taking full advantage to have the house to themselves and a quiet indulgent night in).

I'd never give nor expect a specific time home from a party or work drinks (and if DP did give one I'd take it with a massive pinch of salt). We wouldn't specifically prepare dinner for each other but there'd be decent leftovers if needed. I don't really know why there need to be constant communications from someone on a night out.

It's never once crossed my mind to wait up for DP if he's out (nor him for me) and I'm completely at a loss as to why anyone would do that. Just go to bed!