DH Christmas works do and lack of comms

My friend's birthday is 23rd Dec.
Does that mean that her birthday eve is the day before Christmas Eve eve?

I agree. That was my point...

Sorry to be blunt but sitting around waiting for him to come home and monitoring him on Find My iPhone whilst he's on a works night out is just very needy and, if it was a bloke doing this, everyone would say he was being controlling...

It is controlling no matter who does it.

My Dad does this.

Last week he side-lined birthday plans with my mother and I. We were supposed to be leaving early in the morning for a day up in Scotland to do some Christmas shopping and have lunch.

I got there the night before and he said he was going to a funeral 'first thing', on his birthday morning and we could leave out after that. Turns out it was at 11am, which isn't first thing. The funeral was for an acquaintance rather than a friend or family member, which would have been different.

He then quietly slipped in that he'd pop into the wake 'for 5mins' afterwards he came back about 4pm.

The original birthday we had planned months ago had been cancelled by stealth, hour by hour. It turned out that he'd known for about a week and said nothing.

He's 88. They never change. Never.

My DH does (or rather used to) all the time - looking for a lift home from the train station. I warned him loads of time that he needed to keep me in the loop re his return but he didn’t change - still no word then a phone call at whatever time saying “I’ll be at the station in 10 mins if you can pick me up”.

Then the last time I said “I’ll take you to the train but I’m not picking you up” and that’s it. So if he goes out, he gets a taxi or train/walk home. It’s so freeing!

…or nurses, doctors, office staff etc.

If he really is being pressurised into not leaving at 6pm, he needs to be more assertive. Or refuse to go next year and not be bullied into remaining, if that is the case.

Agree with you about the lack of communication, or better still, sticking to an agreed time.

I agree with his basic premise of not wanting to stay late if it does to use his words 'get messy'.

I always find it pretty unreasonable for partners to hold each other to a curfew however in this instance he really should have come home on time because it's your birthday today and whilst I'm not a huge birthday celebrator, I think that it's the one day a year you should be spoilt by your other half.

Your comment about him probably talking to other women, and then saying that "apparently" he isn't involved with shady stuff, makes me think that your annoyance is somewhat driven by insecurity.

There are 2 other threads from last week

@menopausalminnie1 A few things to address here... Firstly, in your other posts from last week you say you are 55 but in this thread you say you have a big birthday today?

Secondly, this is a works Christmas do and he "rolled in at 11pm"?!?! 😂It's 11pm FFS! Not 6pm the next day! As another poster has said, people always intend to leave a party early but once you're a few drinks in then all bets are off! Surely you've been guilty of this too?!

You say he's still asleep in your post this morning at 7.40am - assuming he's not working, what's wrong with that?! You sound very judgemental and a bit controlling tbh....

As for staying in and putting the Christmas tree up as a "surprise" then lighting candles with food ready for him.... I really don't know what you were thinking. Even on a normal day most blokes wouldn't notice this but after a few drinks on a works Christmas do?!?! Come on.... When me or DP come in after a night out it's straight to the kitchen for some shit to eat then to bed with a glass of water and out for the count. Not admiring the Christmas decorations and candles 🙄

Sorry to be blunt but sitting around waiting for him to come home and monitoring him on Find My iPhone whilst he's on a works night out is just very needy and, if it was a bloke doing this, everyone would say he was being controlling...

He's allowed a night out to get drunk and blow off steam without you there. Guilting him into coming home isn't going to work if he's out having fun. The best thing you can / could have done is made your own plans, be independent, have a glass of water and some paracetamol on the bedside table and not resent him for having one night out.

I'm guessing you don't have house cats.
When they jump on you at whatever time of night wanting food or something, it wakes you up.

All sounds unreasonable and suffocating.

Well, both He was being deliberately vague as in changing what time he expected to leave.
Then, separately, he gave the OP very specific detail about when and how he'd be getting home (which turned out to be untrue).

His behaviour is egotistical. If someone just says, 'Don't plan anything for me, I'll probably be late, and I'll text when I'm setting off for home,' then you know you have the evening to yourself and don't need to think about them. If they initially say when they'll be home, then message again and again changing it, they're always getting your attention.

"This man is deliberately vague"
"Saying very specific things"

Well which is it vague or specific?

He's not being egotistical. He's enjoying a Xmas do and yes sometimes the goalposts change when you're in the swing of things. Yes he could have given a heads up he'd be home later. Yes he could have taken his keys. People make mistakes and as mistakes go this is pretty minor. The guy was in by 11pm, and in OP own admission meant he left the do shortly after 9pm.

OP is the one who opted to make it about him. He never said make me dinner. He never lets do X when I get home. She could have done any number of things with her evening but decided to light candles and put up a tree to impress her drunk partner.

For 90% of people that recognise a partners night out won't necessarily adhere to a strict schedule this is totally a non issue. Many PP have admitted their partners also claim they'll return at a resonable hour, but they are wise enough to recognise that's probably not true. And so so occupy themselves with other things and allow their partner so wiggle room as socialising outside of your relationship is important.

I used to do the same thing, so I get it, but you're putting yourself in this position. You know he's out tonight. You've tried to make it so that it's "nice" to come home too, that you compare to the night out, because you're feeling insecure. And then that insecurity gets worse because his comms are rubbish, because he's on a night out, and realistically he won't care about the tree being up or fancy food or you being around for a chat. He'll crash once he's home.

His comms should absolutely be better, yes; but a lot of your disappointment here is because you've created a "second event" of the night and he's missing it, and it took me a long time to learn that you're trying to protect yourself, but you're making it a lot worse.

I will say that for me, the answer was that the relationship was done. I felt insecure because he didn't respect or care for me enough, and that never really got any better. I could have stayed until the "end of the line", when something bad happened, but I hated living like that... so we split, and I've never felt like that, or felt the need to compete, ever again.

DH is pretty good at comms now, usually, although he does sometimes say he's on his last pint and then will arrive home two hours later - but he always has his key, he's always contactable, and it's not every time.

Lots of 'cool wives' on here giving it, 'Oh, we're both adults, what's the problem.'
DP and I are both adults too but, if one of us goes out and we're not sure when we'll be home, we say that, and add 'but I'll text later.' And then we do. It's not hard and it doesn't mean anyone is needy or controlling. It does mean the person at home is not left wondering whether to make/save dinner etc, which is just basic courtesy.

This man is being deliberately vague and moving the goalposts, which is at best unedifying. It's very egotistical as it ensures that all the OP's attention remains on him.
Saying very specific things like 'I'll definitely be on X train, and John's wife is picking us up from the station, so I'll see you at 8pm' is toying with the OP's expectations and, again, making sure her attention is all on him.

Happy birthday, OP. I’d have been annoyed too. It’s not the going out, it’s the bullshitting and messing about. I sometimes wonder if they lie because they think they’ll ’get it in the neck’ (🤮) if they say they want to stay out late.

I hate how all the narrative about men going out is so sexist.

Also, I’m really sorry you’re with a police officer. I’ve never known anything like it when they socialise. It’s genuinely shocking what happens.

Totally missed the bit about intimacy. This is not about Christmas parties and changing plans. Start a new thread OP there’s lots of support for you x

But that's not what happened here

But he did give her a return time - that's the whole point of the thread!!

He didn't need to. She didn't make him. So why did he?

And Happy Birthday @menopausalminnie1

It’s easy to get swept along with colleagues and not look at your phone. It’s just annoying on this occasion because it’s your birthday! I hope you have a nice day today regardless.

@menopausalminnie1 Hope you have a lovely birthday.

Just in case it wasn't clear to other posters, I'm not cross with my dh when he does this, and I don't have a go at him or anything when he's back.
I just find it exasperating and annoying at the time and I wish he wouldn't make plans he won't keep.
If someone is late, I worry they've had an accident (or something) and get very anxious, whereas given no set time, I wouldn't worry at all (unless they weren't back after 24hrs, lol).

I'm an over-thinker, and he knows this.

It's just about being considerate.

First off Happy Birthday!
Obviously he rolled in last night eventually, but in future I would tell him if he didn't take his keys I wouldn't be waiting up for him. For me 11pm wouldn't be an issue, I'm rarely asleep before then, but if you usually go to bed at 10pm, then lock up as usual and do that. Send him a message saying what you've done and that he can book a room somewhere and come home when he's sobered up in the morning. He should be free to enjoy his evening, but you shouldn't be sat around picking up the pieces because he can't act like an adult. What would he do if he lived alone? He'd take his damn keys when he left the house. No reason he shouldn't be doing that now.

PS happy birthday!

I get it.

Next time he goes out you need to tell him that because of what happened last time, he needs to find his own way home and you may not be in or available to pick him up or let him in. Leave him a pizza in the fridge, don't cook for him. Just plan on the basis of his past behaviour rather than accepting his optimistic plans about how the night will plan out when alcohol and certain friends or colleagues are involved.