DH Christmas works do and lack of comms

Happy Birthday !

Go out, have a nice day to yourself even if it is checking into a hotel with Netflix and switch off your phone. Preferably don't come back until tomorrow and go straight to work if you are working tomorrow.

This is a crap way to be treated but you are enabling it. He has form for saying one thing and doing another, why on earth would you sit around waiting for him. When 5pm and 8pm came and went you should have cracked open a nice bottle and told him to get himself home because his free lift pass had expired.

I can't comment on the sex issue as haven't seen the threads but a doormat never mind one being passive aggressive and martyr like is rarely sexy unless you are a controlling bully of a shit which it doesn't sound like your partner is. Just a bit wet about saying no to colleagues or you.

Is this relationship generally making you happy op?
Because it doesn't sound like it.

Relationships should add a positive value to your life, and if they don't, you'll be happier single. Even if you need to put in a little bit of work at the beginning learning to be happy single.

Not even tempted by kebab breath? 😂

The bedroom literally needs fumigating

Partner works for police and is on his big Xmas night out on the eve of my birthday, we live by ourselves and have 3 cats - not outing
I'm 56 tomorrow - Aha! That's Sarah from Doncaster!

I think it's more likely the minor detail was changed to play up the significance of the birthday and make partner seem more unreasonable, as opposed to be less outing when there's already so much specific information to be able to identify it as someone you know.

I think we all know the answer to this one...

I actually don’t care what time he gets home ….if he said to me it would be midnight that would be fine, but because he says 8 pm

If there's not a backstory of you telling him he needs to be home by a certain time, then I can see why this is annoying. My ex used to send me update texts 'I'm just leaving x now, will be home in 20 minutes' and never was. I hadn't asked for the information or ever had a row with him about coming home at a certain time. Used to annoy me as I would have happily gone about my evening doing my own thing, but I'd think, I'll hold off having dinner for half an hour so we can eat together, etc.

I hope you have a good birthday and he isn't too hungover!

Why would you choose the night of his Xmas do to do a little surprise of decorations and dinner !?

That's asking for disappointment/ getting the hump etc ! (On your part)

Right, I fancy the pants off my DP and am always up for sex but after a works Christmas do?! Which woman in their right mind thinks that it will be a romantic night in (and lights candles) when their other half has been on the piss all day?! 😂

You're not the first person on this thread to search OPs previous posts and use this discrepancy as a "gotcha" to discredit her. It is very normal for posters to change minor details about their life that aren't relevant to the post in order to not be outing.

It's not. It's a way of making OP partner appear more unreasonable and perhaps a way of guilting him to leave the biggest night for socialising with colleagues early.

It worked in part as OP partner left shortly after 9 and 'rolled in' at 11pm. The heathen!

Ha ha ! No 🤣

”He never fucks me” - unfortunately this is what is driving things I think. Clearly a bigger issue than a late night.

@menopausalminnie1

If you are 55 ( according to your 2 recent threads on lack of sex ) why is 56 a big birthday ?

I see it as more of OP inserting herself into his night out, by making her part of it, well meaning though it no doubt was.

Happy birthday first off!

I have read your other threads and my guess is this is still about sex. You lit candles for your husband coming home. That sounds like you were hoping for something to happen. I think that you wouldn't have cared if he was late if he came home and had sex with you.

Yes these two don’t sound in a happy place. A normal functioning cheerful couple wouldn’t bat an eyelid at one of them going on a night out.

Not sure why this is degenerating into 'men dont like Christmas trees' debate - mine does, loves it, did the main decorating of the Christmas tree and spent hours putting up the outside lights. Even found a christmas tree farm 40 minutes away where you chop down your own tree and made us all go (it was fab in the end). Some PEOPLE like Christmas trees and decorating and some people dont care (and they marry each other). Agree with posters around this is controlling, but if it is right about the other posts, OP has relationship issues far beyond a Christmas night out that need sorting. OP - i think you should go try to do relationship counselling and if he refuses to go (which I think is likely from what you have said) you should get counselling to work out whether this relationship is worth it.

This is usually something that flares up in new relationships or when people start living together. My DH is neither a social animal or a drinker but I would write off his evening if he was going to an event like this. We long ago mutually agreed not to have expectations of each other when we are separately socialising. Although he does have form for calling me when he is on the train so I tell him when to get off- I don’t know how that works either and mostly it doesn’t. I usually end up sending the Uber to next station along.

I don’t know why any functioning adult would go out without keys to let themselves back into the property they live in. But these stories all include someone who has. Tbh I always think these cases are about people who are in a new relationship and living apart. Hence the high expectation of communication and no keys.

Exactly!!! It's not about being a "cool wife" (I hate that term too 🙄). But he's on his Christmas Do FFS!!! It's one night!

I'm not cool in the slightest but when DP goes on his Christmas Do I will relish the opportunity to watch something on Netflix that he doesn't like, have a few glasses of wine, and then get into bed and know that he is a grown man who can get himself home and I don't need to sit awake for him.

And yes, he most likely will text to say he'll be home by 8pm... then 10pm.. then probably after midnight (making an almighty racket with a kebab in hand) but so what?! He has good intentions, he's just having a good time! There's no "need" for him to be home so what does it matter?!

This. My DP is the absolute best (in my opinion anyway 😂) but he wouldn't notice the Christmas decorations if he was stone cold sober, never mind if he was half cut after the works Christmas do!

Actually my Dh is the Christmas tree fan in our house -fear I am actually the Dh in these scenarios!

Cool wives 🙄. Do you not ever go out? I would hate it if Dh lectured me like one of the flipping teens about keys and when to be home. Marriages like this blow my mind.

Honestly I am usually the first to be on the wife’s side but this is crazy behaviour - I get criticised on here for monitoring the whereabouts of my 16 year old but constant monitoring of an adult on a night out is ok?!

Yeah I’m getting red flag for control about this too. I would be pretty baffled if I went out with my friends and got carried away so didn’t come home by my ‘curfew’ and then my partner got in a sulk because he’d put the Christmas tree up and lit some candles and I was just supposed to… telepathically have known this? And rushed home to tell him how wonderful he was?

Do most men care about Christmas trees and candles? My husband is wonderful and caring and sensitive and all those things but I have never heard him express any sort of delight over any Christmas tree, other than ‘oh that looks nice’ or ‘fuck me; that tree is massive’

You said you don't mind what time he leaves but it sounds like you do mind, quite a lot.

Many people go out intending for it not to be a late 'sesh' and it turns out being exactly that. It was a bit naive to expect his work christmas party to not turn into something later and more drunken than he originally intended, especially as you say yourself, the police nights out are 'mental'. You shouldn't have bothered going to any special effort with food and candles on an evening when there was a strong chance he'd not be home until later than he said.

I know it's irritating when this happens but I think you've set yourself up for disappointment by being unrealistic.

The problem with Christmas work parties is good intentions, Often the reality of goof intentions means nothing when you drink too much with your colleagues.

Unless he always arrives late for dinner without giving you a call, i wouldn't sweat it for a work Christmas' party.

Plus you've posted recently about the fact he gaslights you, sexually. And that you are completely celibate.

I would say that being a few hours later than expected from a works do, and keeping you up 'til 11pm to let him in is not a monumental deal. And your reaction is symptomatic of bigger issues.