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Original poster

DH Christmas works do and lack of comms

213 replies

menopausalminnie1 · 02/12/2024 21:23

DH out on his Christmas works do tonight. He left at noon. Said he’d be home by 5pm. Said he didn’t want to stay later as it’s a Police do and they get utterly mental.

He’s 52 years old. Got a call at 6pm to say they won’t let him leave (?) so he will be home about 8pm. Fine. I actually don’t care what time he gets home ….if he said to me it would be midnight that would be fine, but because he says 8 pm I have done things like prepare him some food, put up the Christmas tree as a nice surprise, lit some candles and I’m sitting here waiting like a numpty

It’s now 915pm and he hasn’t left the city (we have find my friend) so earliest he could be home is 11pm with ZERO comms to actually tell me this.

i can’t imagine a scenario where i say ill be home at a certain time and then do the opposite.

not a huge deal but a bit frustrating.

Its a big birthday for me tomorrow and I’m guessing he will be asleep till lunch time

OP posts:
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Amybelle88 · 07/12/2024 00:57

@Kjpt140v why? I'm replying to the post you quoted me in...

Kjpt140v · 05/12/2024 00:09

Amybelle88 · 04/12/2024 16:45

Can’t say that I have, but texting what time he’s going to be in won’t change his behaviour, and he’s a grown man who can behave how he so wishes on a night out, obviously within legal parameters.

I’ve never understood partners who micromanage each other when the other is on a night out. If the person on the night out is going to get upto no good, a text message or ‘comms’ isn’t going to change that.

Show quote history

Jesus, read my first post.

Amybelle88 · 04/12/2024 16:45

Kjpt140v · 04/12/2024 16:39

On a night out, have you seen coppers on a night out?

Show quote history

Can’t say that I have, but texting what time he’s going to be in won’t change his behaviour, and he’s a grown man who can behave how he so wishes on a night out, obviously within legal parameters.

I’ve never understood partners who micromanage each other when the other is on a night out. If the person on the night out is going to get upto no good, a text message or ‘comms’ isn’t going to change that.

tuvamoodyson · 04/12/2024 16:43

vibratosprigato · 03/12/2024 11:19

You're not the first person on this thread to search OPs previous posts and use this discrepancy as a "gotcha" to discredit her. It is very normal for posters to change minor details about their life that aren't relevant to the post in order to not be outing.

Show quote history

Yes, change a minor detail, not add in a milestone birthday!

Kjpt140v · 04/12/2024 16:39

Amybelle88 · 04/12/2024 00:31

He's on a night out, leave him be - you're only sitting 'like a sap' as you say because you've put yourself in that position - even if he got in at the time he said, why would you sit and wait for someone with food and candles when they've been day drinking? You've set yourself up for failure here but reading between the lines, I think there's more to it than just lack of a text.

On a night out, have you seen coppers on a night out?

Amybelle88 · 04/12/2024 00:31

He's on a night out, leave him be - you're only sitting 'like a sap' as you say because you've put yourself in that position - even if he got in at the time he said, why would you sit and wait for someone with food and candles when they've been day drinking? You've set yourself up for failure here but reading between the lines, I think there's more to it than just lack of a text.

Kjpt140v · 03/12/2024 20:51

Cops have such a feeling of entitlement. I've witnessed police dos on more than one occasion. They break social rules, they are bullish, arrogant, misogynistic and drunk. If you or I were to act the way they do, those very people would arrest us.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 03/12/2024 20:36

mechanicallyinept · 03/12/2024 07:56

He's still asleep? At 7:42!

🙄

So was I...

AnnaL94 · 03/12/2024 20:25

JudgeJ · 03/12/2024 20:19

I would assume that parents who get into that state are acceptable to you.

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No. Why?

Tbh it’s not acceptable for any responsible adult with a professional job or children to use drugs and get into fights/abusive behaviour - as that’s what I’m assuming the OP means by saying “they get utterly mental”.

Although I’ll stand corrected if the OP clarifies what getting “utterly mental” means.

JudgeJ · 03/12/2024 20:19

AnnaL94 · 03/12/2024 00:33

Just because they’re not on duty doesn’t mean they should be able to “get utterly mental” (work party or not) which implies excessive alcohol, potential drugs and inappropriate/dangerous/abusive behaviour. Like I said, doesn’t fill me with confidence for a bunch of a coppers.

Show quote history

I would assume that parents who get into that state are acceptable to you.

StuffHappens · 03/12/2024 20:10

I totally understand where you are coming from.
If DH is going out & says I don't know what time I will be home, that's fine, I do my own thing and sort the kids.

I go out and knowing who I'm with it's either I will be home and in bed by 10 or it's gonna be a messy night, don't wait up.

DH once said I will be home at 6, messaged to say he's staying for a couple more, only another hour.
I asked if there was any point cooking dinner, he said yes.
I cooked & waited for him...he rolled in like 11pm...I went nuts.
If he had said I don't know what time I'm coming home, I wouldn't have cared, it was the fact I had cooked and waited for him I ended up tired & hangry. I did actually eat before he got home but I was waiting for him which annoyed me the most.

It's the not knowing and waiting around that's the most annoying thing.
If you know they are out for the night, you settle yourself down and do your own thing.

These days I take any outing as an it's an all nighter and if he's back before, I might be busy & he will have to reheat tea/meals.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/12/2024 19:50

11pm is sooooooo early to be home from a Christmas do!!

Hazey19 · 03/12/2024 19:14

This is my husband all over. If he’s out on a works do he doesn’t know when to call it a night. It’s not often though and if it’s a Christmas do I’d let it go.

IdylicDay · 03/12/2024 18:36

It might be time for your DH to decline to go to these work dos altogether, if they are that bad and 'messy' (whatever that means). And he can't control himself or use his own agency.

LightSpeeds · 03/12/2024 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

😂😂

Olderbutt · 03/12/2024 18:12

menopausalminnie1 · 02/12/2024 21:45

Yeah I’m not going to message him or anything. Just SO frustrating at the lack of communication. He told me he didn’t want to stay late as it gets really messy. And yet here we are. Not helped by the fact that our relationship isn’t the best right now. He never fucks me. I can imagine him out chatting to female colleagues though. It’s the lack of communication that’s a killer. Just fucking text me “I’ll be home at midnight “ so I’m not sitting here like a fucking sap.

TBH I think I would worry more about the general state of my marriage rather than fuming about lack of communication on this occasion. Perhaps this is his way of dealing with his sadness about the situation?

betterangels · 03/12/2024 18:06

DustyLee123 · 03/12/2024 06:54

Who remember time before mobile phones when you just came home, no one badgering you for an update on your plans.

I miss it.

Vanilladay · 03/12/2024 17:53

I can really understand why your relationship isn't the best right now....

SkunderlaiSkendi · 03/12/2024 16:15

There isnt a lack of communication tho, is there? Hes having fun - chill out

Cattery · 03/12/2024 15:57

Rolled in at 11pm! That’s a positively early night! I think you need to go with the flow a bit more OP. Relax and stop trying to control him whilst expecting to come first all the time. You can be married but still be the boss of only you

Cattery · 03/12/2024 15:50

When he used to like a drink back in the day no amount of candles or Christmas trees would have made my DH decide he must leave the pub and rush home to have a look. Likewise myself.

GettingStuffed · 03/12/2024 15:44

DustyLee123 · 03/12/2024 06:54

Who remember time before mobile phones when you just came home, no one badgering you for an update on your plans.

Me, I do.

beAsensible1 · 03/12/2024 15:26

I do think unless he came home at 5 which was extremely unlikely he has been set up to fail here.

I hope you had a good birthday OP

Codlingmoths · 03/12/2024 13:32

You need to stop accommodating him. Say no to picking him up, because you’re a total flake and I’m fed up with not having a drink to do you a favour but you just stay out all night so I could have had a drink. Say no to letting him in - no because I’m up half the night waiting for you. You’re an adult, take keys. I might go hang out with a friend and spend the night.
say no.
and go out for your birthday!! Without him.

LookItsMeAgain · 03/12/2024 12:34

Happy Birthday to you @menopausalminnie1 !

The thing that gets me when I read posts like this one (and I've read many on MN over the years) is when the bloke says that they weren't allowed to leave at 5pm or whenever they were originally planning to leave. That's just nonsense. Unless he was physically restrained from leaving by being handcuffed to a metal bar or something, he could have slipped away. He didn't have to make a big thing about leaving, he could have just left.
He could also have just left at 6pm or 7pm or even 8pm or anytime after that, without him getting drunk enough that he is sleeping out his partner's birthday.
From where I am, this reads as though being out with his work mates letting off steam was more important to him than being out with his work mates, being sensible about it all and making sure that he could also celebrate his partner's significant birthday the next day with them.

That's how I'm reading the situation.

I hope he's awake now and is making it up to you @menopausalminnie1!!