Refusing to eat as a means of control??

But even then it is still problematic:

• It’s dragging others into your self harm.
• it’s making them watch you self harm
• in this case, it is now a multi-generational issue

I bet you're glad he's your ex!

Maybe the salary is not irrelevant. Often high paid jobs are also high pressured jobs. When it comes to certain types of mental health issues I think that it makes a difference.

My ex would attempt to manipulate me with this. If I was at all annoyed with him he would get “so upset I can’t eat or sleep”, then be incapable of being around the children as he felt “so upset and dizzy”. Horrible behaviour from a grown adult.

Yes and yes. Six figure salary job in my 20s. 1 son. 1 one the way. Trying to get better through therapy.

No it’s not.

Ah would it be? Jesus I never thought of that!!!!!!

im trying to learn. Again, it’s a MH issue and I trauma response, it’s not a bloody choice. If it was a choice obviously I would choose to be able to eat and communicate effectively. Honestly people will you please think of what you’re posting before you press post!!

Yes, you would think that, but if a person has negative self beliefs then they take everything to heart even when they are not at fault, so even though it might start as an argument over something someone else has done, quite often the person will blame themselves, especially if they are made out to be in the wrong by the other person.

It depends on context really, but from a personal perspective, I have never refused to eat to punish and manipulate another person, it’s always about how I feel worthless and deserving of punishment, and many people do it for the same reasons. It’s not all about wanting to control how another person reacts.

I would say its self abuse if she is annoyed at something she's done or has failed so stops eating but because it is DP has done something then I strongly feel control and manipulating a very unhealthy relationship

@Bluecatblu poor child, having a mother who treats their child like that! making the child scared is not good!

Control over her own body, because it feels like that's all that's left, all that is possible. It's not about controlling the other person in the argument, more a case of despair and giving up the argument.

How does he even know she is going without food. Presumably they don't see each other all day. She could easily be eating when out. I would ignore it if I was him.

I can't eat if I'm upset by confrontation, I feel sick if I try. It's because I was abused as a child by different adults either forcing me to eat or withdrawing food, while being physically and verbally aggressive.

So, if my DH was raising his voice or confrontational or similar, it would take me back to that time, I'd be overwhelmed by distress and unable to eat without retching, until things were resolved.

Nothing to do with manipulation, more fear and trauma.

Same here. It's incredibly manipulative.

It comes across as manipulative yes but she obviously has mental health issues.. thats an extreme reaction to conflict.
Might she say that she can't eat because she's upset? Mental illness can often seem manipulative.
Obviously it is not BILs fault or responsibility. But she sounds like she needs professional help, not gossip and judgement. Sounds like she may have either an eating disorder or a personality disorder.

I’ve not read the full thread, but in case anyone else hasn’t mentioned it, perhaps she is a recovering anorexic?

I had an eating disorder from age 12. Started recovering in my late teens and still have massive issues with food. When you start young, you’ll never be fully recovered.

I simply can’t eat if I am stressed or upset. I was anorexic because I was so unhappy as a young teen and felt so out of control. Eating became something I could control. The power of feeling empty was addictive. I’m not explaining it very well, I don’t think that I can. But anyway, having that throughout my formative years means that now, whenever I feel out of my depth, or sad, or anxious, eating is simply out of the question.

I’m not doing it for attention. I’m not doing it to punish any one. In fact I try to hide it. I also try to force myself to eat as my DH worries so much that I will relapse.

I’m usually fine after a couple of days.

Maybe your SIL is like me? Maybe she could do with your compassion not judgement?

Could you explain what you mean a bit more about Temazepam? Are you saying it should not be taken for the heart?

The reason I ask is because my DH's Grandmother in the last few years of her life complained of unbearable tiredness during the daytime. I was quite young and fairly newly married, but she complained that the GP had upped her medication and it wasn't agreeing with her. I asked her what she was on and I remember very clearly she said Temazepam for her heart. My only knowledge of Temezepam was as a drug to aid sleep that is often stolen for its seditive effects & very addictive, so my reaction was, but that's a sleeping tablet? - no wonder you feel tired. Bless her she went back to the doctor who very quickly put me in my place - who is the doctor here, me or your grand-DIL? So I have often wondered... What was the Temezepam doing for her heart?

Sorry to derail thread, but I am interested and Google doesn't give much more than I originally thought. If anyone knows - TIA.