DH dragged DS off the couch and onto the floor.

Do you feel your DH is a risk to your son OP?

If you do then of course never leave them unsupervised together and make plans to leave him.

But if you don't and your DP is genuinely acting in a way that he feels best and not to cause intentional harm then you need to both find a middle ground here.

I'm a social worker in adults (specialise on safeguarding). So admittedly I only see the extreme cases but my social work role before was similar in adults.
It's manageable when they are young but once they hit puberty and become adult men it can be horrendous and sometimes fatal or near enough.

I've seen grown men in their thirties and forties absolutely batter their 75 year old parents. Broken arms, fractures, spinal injuries. All sorts.

You essentially have a toddler in a 6ft fully developed man's body towering over a 5.2ft middle aged woman.

So you and your husband need to look at as many techniques as possible for prevention.

Sometimes things do settle in terms of violence but often when puberty kicks in the violence ramps up.

You need as much support as possible to manage this now. Manage it as a team. You will need your husband's physical strength as your son gets older if he still has violent outbursts.

I understand many people's shock and horror on here reading your post. However I think it can be very difficult for people to comprehend the intense stress that parents go through with a severely autistic and violent child 24/7 with no respite. Being exhausted and sleep deprived, often stressed financially due to carer role, supervising essentially a toddler who cannot be left alone, whilst also being violently attacked daily. It's incredibly stressful and psrents at times can do things they wouldn't ever do if they were fully rested and parenting a neurotypical child.

I've known lovely, kind, gentle parents snap after being badly assaulted after a week of 5 hours sleep and locking their child in a room for several hours whilst the parents sob. I wouldn't then go into the home and remove the parent! They need support.

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. You need to be kind to each other (him to you too). Your both navigating a difficult ship in high tides together.

Lastly.. your doing a great job x

I don’t think your husband’s actions were right. At all. But I think his concerns are valid.
I think it’s very important you both get on the same page. I would research parenting autism classes and find one to do together either online or at a time when ds is at school or you can get respite care. Doing a course together will open up a space for you to agree strategies together as your dc moves into a stage of life where his behaviour could be a real physical threat if not managed better.

Admittedly I don't have a SEN child but I can't see how saying "kind hands" is going to make a jot of difference. It doesn't with my NT children.

This.

The fact that your DH was ‘gaming’ while with you and your child says it all. He needs to grow up and focus on his family then he might know how to deal with his son better

Here to second this. Your DH is a danger to your son. His response was unacceptable.

(Parent to two ASD children, one with ADHD and additional MG needs, so understand the desire to lash out in frustration, but absolutely never, never would. That ‘s the point you remove yourself from the situation.)

Bollocks to ‘seeing both sides’! He wouldn’t be anywhere near my child ever again.
Would you tolerate this behaviour towards your child from anyone else?

This 👍

Let's be clear here. He assaulted your child. And a particularly vulnerable child at that (not that it's ever okay). Regardless of the challenges your child needs to be safeguarded and alternatives of how to manage behaviour found. Honestly, I would be telling DH he has to leave, or leave yourself, and be contacting the police. If he had dragged you off the sofa what would you be doing or a friend said their partner had done that what would you be saying? Let alone a child...

He's right though. Your way doesn't work and neither does his. He's 8 now, there will come a point where his clawing, pinching and biting will become harder and you'll have zero chance of restraining him.

The idea is not that you “allow” the autistic child to hurt someone else. Rather, you distract and teach them it’s wrong by saying “hands down “ or whatever your phrase of choice is. Mainly, you ensure this doesn’t happen when it is avoidable eg by moving away or by ensuring that their sensory needs are met.

Genuine question is this a reason to allow an autistic person to hurt someone else ?

Whilst I don’t support violence against children (though I don’t think this counts as violence) your husband is in a no win situation he is doing what he thinks is the right thing to do, I have previously posted about my daughter being attacked by a girl with autism at school and getting in trouble for punching her back. If a child is being violent then this needs to be stopped and I believe your husband has done what he thinks is a way of doing this, you feel moving out of the way and blowing bubbles is right. I don’t have experience of an autistic child so I don’t know but I am guessing both are wrong.

As for all the people suggesting your husband moves out etc they are idiots you know your son is not at risk from him and don’t really think your son’s life would be better without him there ?

Of course, better an abusive man than no man at all 🙄

Do you have a good level of understanding about the autistic brain and how to parent an autistic child? you do realise that autistic people (and autistic children in particular) feel pay very differently and being physical with him you are going to have the opposite result? God this is depressing.

I'm pleased to see the classic MN response of LTB is getting less of an airing than it used to.

Like leaving the poor OP ALONE to deal with increasingly violent behaviour will help her in any way. With the strong possibility that her DH will discover the joy of no-aggro living, and not return. Not 'get educated' as some think will magically happen.

This family need a middle way.

The thing is, that your son probably won’t understand that being dragged off the sofa and getting hurt was because he was scratching your husband.

Does your ‘D’H understand anything about autism? As a mother of an autistic child, I found this distressing to read. Your child was so upset he’s self harming. He was clearly very dysregulated with your DH.

Id get some advice from your local autism advisor to get some parenting courses. Your poor little boy.

Social Services would I think be c useful - for any chance of respite and proper training and support as to how to deal with it

This is abuse, and if I were a professional working with your family, I would have to report this to social services.

Is it a one-off?

He won't necessarily know that at all. He's not trying to get anything by pinching. He's not using it as a way to obtain a treat or get his own way. He's over stimulated and can't regulate himself in a normal way. My son doesn't do this, but has other ways like flapping, jumping and clicking. He also lays on the floor when overwhelmed. These aren't schemes to get his own way, he simply can't cope with the situation around him.
No, it's absolutely not acceptable to hurt other people. Ever. But this isn't a NT person - OPs DH presumably is a NT adult who knows you don't drag people around and hurt them. It simply doesn't work with autism. It makes things worse. I do know some other parents who have had children with autism that bite and scratch and pull hair, and these children have grown into young adults (like my son) who don't do this anymore. It didn't require violence to obtain that result, it required patience and techniques like focusing on different ways to self soothe.

your DH is abusive, he needs to be told that

and if he, as an adult, can’t control himself by moving away when your son is over excited or overstimulated then you need to protect your child and leave

Its difficult with autism but it seems like your DH doesn’t actually understand how an autistic mind works, it’s not giving in to him by moving, especially if the child is told no and why

I suggest you ask his school key worker if that’s an appropriate way to handle your child when scramming. That’ll sort the wood from the trees here