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Original poster

Dad refusing to accommodate SEND daughter's needs at wedding

166 replies

Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 14:49

Please help.

My children are close in age. One has SEND. Dad is getting married in January and has refused to accommodate SEND child's needs. But has agreed for NT child to go.
Do I let NT go and keep SEND one with me? Or refuse to let either of them go on principal?
Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.
TIA

OP posts:
DogInATent · 02/12/2024 15:35

Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.

There is no court order in place. However, due to issues previously we do handovers in a public place.

SEND doesn't stay overnight at dad's as she can't cope with the inflexible, strong rules at dads.

Sorry, I can't get passed all of these issues to see why you'd want to facilitate sending either child to the wedding. Or facilitating any non court ordered contact.

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:35

BrownOwlknowsbest · 02/12/2024 15:30

Is the service being streamed by any chance? More and more places are. If so, could you take part 'on-line' and then go for a celebration that would suit both children

I've not asked, but I would suspect he wouldn't let me have streaming passwords etc

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 02/12/2024 15:34

what he is doing is a continuation of his abuse. He is knowingly making it impossible for your SEND child to go and then pitting the siblings against each other.

Neither goes. It will be difficult now but they’ll understand as they get older.

NoahsTortoise · 02/12/2024 15:34

Could you offer him the choice - knowing he will say no due to the overnights - and then at least he'll feel like he's made his own mind up?

I don't understand why your ex wouldn't allow you to pick your son up in the evening, or for someone else to bring him back to you (presumably there are other family members attending who he knows) but if he won't then there isn't really any other option I suppose.

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:34

crumblingschools · 02/12/2024 15:32

Could you go with them, lurk somewhere, so they can attend the ceremony and then take them home?

Nope. He's refused that. I even offered for a friend to take SEND for the day and that's been refused too. His way, or no way

OP posts:
Tittat50 · 02/12/2024 15:33

I don't think either should go OP. I'm all for honesty but I'd consider the options @Stormyweatheroutthere suggests. This is going to be an uncomfortable experience for you and the kids. He won't give either of them the time of day as he will be so wrapped up in himself.

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:33

Maddy70 · 02/12/2024 15:31

Tbf if he has joint parenting responsibility you can't refuse and he wants them for that length of time over his wedding then let him! His problem. He will deal with it

The problem being: he's refused one and not the other

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:32

Delatron · 02/12/2024 15:20

I think you may need to gently explain that Dad will be busy all day and there will nobody there to look out for her? Are there grandparents that can help?

I think he’s bigged it up obviously in to something it will not be. She will be bored and won’t know anyone. And it will go on late. What’s the provison for kids in the evening? Or are they staying to the end?

Show quote history

I'm unaware what happens in the evening, bar granny will make that call.
He's definitely bigged it up and made it into this huge celebration for NT

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 02/12/2024 15:32

Could you go with them, lurk somewhere, so they can attend the ceremony and then take them home?

Maddy70 · 02/12/2024 15:31

Tbf if he has joint parenting responsibility you can't refuse and he wants them for that length of time over his wedding then let him! His problem. He will deal with it

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:30

Stormyweatheroutthere · 02/12/2024 15:27

I would probably offer up a more enticing place to be at the exact time of the wedding... Their df really won't have time to consider either dc on the day and like you say dc hardly know the other guests... If dc distracts during the service I bet your parenting will get the blame....

My thoughts exactly! Trip to London to see the Christmas lights, anyone? 😂

OP posts:
BrownOwlknowsbest · 02/12/2024 15:30

Is the service being streamed by any chance? More and more places are. If so, could you take part 'on-line' and then go for a celebration that would suit both children

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:29

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Thank you for the validation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:28

ARichtGoodDram · 02/12/2024 15:20

Clearly he doesn't want her to go - he knows that the overnight situation will rule it out (especially as he's made it so that she can't grit her teeth and get through just one night).

As bad as it may be I'd just be talking about how lucky she is to escape it because weddings are very boring, you have to be super quiet, lots of people just talking and talking and talking.

If that means the other one ends up not fancying it either then so be it.

And usually I'm one for not speaking bad of the other parent, but in this case I'd be clear with your child with SEND that you don't know why Daddy is being so silly and rude with the three nights insistence because if it was your wedding you'd 100% want her there.

That was my thought too...with the lack of flexibility. Thank you for validating my thoughts

OP posts:
Stormyweatheroutthere · 02/12/2024 15:27

I would probably offer up a more enticing place to be at the exact time of the wedding... Their df really won't have time to consider either dc on the day and like you say dc hardly know the other guests... If dc distracts during the service I bet your parenting will get the blame....

GoneWithTheWindIsMyFart · 02/12/2024 15:27

Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:21

Their Dad 😂
I never made that clear in the original post.

Show quote history

Ah, apologies ! My bad.

redhelper · 02/12/2024 15:27

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redhelper · 02/12/2024 15:26

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Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:26

allthatfalafel · 02/12/2024 15:17

"has agreed for NT child to go"

So he didn't even invite them or want them there off his own bat?

I'm surprised anyone is encouraging you to find a way for either of them to go given that " there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad." - or was that a later edit?

I wouldn't be letting either of them anywhere near, and I'd plan something special just you 3 on the same day.

He invited both this time last year.
However, in the meantime there has been a severe breakdown in the relationship for both children.
Fast forward a couple of months ago, SEND child made noises that Dad's wedding was coming up and she wanted to go.
Text was sent (sorely regret that now 😢) and response was very strict stipulations

OP posts:
Iateallthechocolate · 02/12/2024 15:25

Get them both nice outfits and 'forget' which day it is, then say oh dear mummy forgot, how silly, never mind let's go to xyz and have some fun. You don't have to follow his ridiculous rules now

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Thank you for validating my feelings 🙏

OP posts:
Delatron · 02/12/2024 15:23

mitogoshigg · 02/12/2024 15:21

Yes both children should be allowed to go, he's being a bad father for not facilitating it. Are you willing to drop off then collect on the day?

I have a dsd with very high level needs (also autistic but the least of her problems) and we still arranged for her to come including paying her care team overtime!

She’s willing to do all that but he’s the one insisting they stay for 3 days. It’s only half an hour away from where they live so ridiculous

drspouse · 02/12/2024 15:23

I would be saying:
Both DCs are going for the day. Only for the day or neither is coming. There is no reason for him to have either overnight if it's local.

DD1 needs someone they know well to sit with/take them out if necessary.
You will hover nearby and DD1 buddy can ring you if it's all too much.

He takes both or none but you are prepared for either of them to want to come away early if uncomfortable.
If you cannot deliver DCs to the wedding itself due to contact/handover arrangements it will be very nearby and to the buddy (are either of his DPs alive/around/reasonable? maybe a sibling of dad?)

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:22

DarkAndTwisties · 02/12/2024 15:17

Who will be at this wedding that they know and that will look after them? I'd say that's more relevant because someone (not the useless dad who they've not seen in a year) will need to have responsibility for children that age. Are they close to grandparents who are willing to do it?

Yes, granny (his mum) will be attending and looking after them

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 02/12/2024 15:21

Totally beside the point, but does the bride-to-be have any clue what sort of irretrievably repellent c*nt she's about to marry?