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Original poster

Dad refusing to accommodate SEND daughter's needs at wedding

166 replies

Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 14:49

Please help.

My children are close in age. One has SEND. Dad is getting married in January and has refused to accommodate SEND child's needs. But has agreed for NT child to go.
Do I let NT go and keep SEND one with me? Or refuse to let either of them go on principal?
Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.
TIA

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 02/12/2024 15:47

Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:11

NT child will be upset not going. However she has no understanding of what a wedding entails and keeps talking about how Dad is getting her a nice dress to wear. Possibly other children there, but due to sporadic contact, she possibly won't know them that well

Show quote history

kids make fast friends in large family settings.

If she wants to go is it fair that she can't because her sibling can't stay overnight?

Tittat50 · 02/12/2024 15:47

@Fabbyfloofloo these things are complicated, don't worry. Alot of people understand these dynamics are a nightmare.

NT is probably going to feel pretty rejected at the wedding if they did go. You're saving them both.

When you tell the idiot father, I'd frame it nicely nicely. Wish him a wonderful day etc. You'll have to be assertive though and explain it just can't work logistically.

StormingNorman · 02/12/2024 15:46

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I’d put money on that not being the case.

loropianalover · 02/12/2024 15:46

Isn’t it likely that if SEND DC goes (under dad’s preferences) they will end up unhappy /not coping and you will be summoned to come pick them up anyway?

It seems dad just wants them there as he knows it will look bad for him otherwise, but he’s not thinking about their needs.

redhelper · 02/12/2024 15:44

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Thunderpants88 · 02/12/2024 15:44

User364837 · 02/12/2024 15:01

Ah so he’s saying your dd isn’t allowed to go for the day only, it’s all or nothing. And “all” is staying with him Monday - Thursday when she normally stay overnight at all?

he is being an arse (provided it was logistically possible for her to just go for the day).

reminds me of my xH saying my dc wouldn’t get any presents if they didn’t go and have Christmas lunch with him.

fine then dd doesn’t go, your other child gets to choose.

How did you handle the Christmas threat? P

redhelper · 02/12/2024 15:44

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Tittat50 · 02/12/2024 15:43

@redhelper that sounds perfect to me.

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:43

DogInATent · 02/12/2024 15:35

Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.

There is no court order in place. However, due to issues previously we do handovers in a public place.

SEND doesn't stay overnight at dad's as she can't cope with the inflexible, strong rules at dads.

Sorry, I can't get passed all of these issues to see why you'd want to facilitate sending either child to the wedding. Or facilitating any non court ordered contact.

I understand your response.

I was trying to facilitate this for my children. It's difficult having one child misd Dad and have rose tinted spectacles on and the other craving his love and feeling rejected and abandoned when there's no reciprocation.

OP posts:
redhelper · 02/12/2024 15:42

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Tittat50 · 02/12/2024 15:41

He sounds the type who will react badly if you say to him neither are coming. You're going to have to find a way to make him feel ok with the fact both are not going.
Part of me thinks you should be honest with the 9 year old NT. Tell them a version of the truth that says look for these reasons this is difficult and instead we will be doing x,y,z on that day.
What would you guys both like to do that weekend?
I'm sorry ( NT kid) but this is beyond my control.
It isn't right that you can't both go here so we're doing something else.

It is the truth and you aren't criticising him. NT may resent ND. Either way it's a lose lose on some level.

Handling him will be the problem. He probably will care more about you telling him no than the fact his kids won't be there so that needs gentle handling for an easier life.

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:41

StormingNorman · 02/12/2024 15:34

what he is doing is a continuation of his abuse. He is knowingly making it impossible for your SEND child to go and then pitting the siblings against each other.

Neither goes. It will be difficult now but they’ll understand as they get older.

Edited

Agreed

OP posts:
redhelper · 02/12/2024 15:40

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Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:40

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From the outside, I would agree and probably say the same thing to someone else.
But when your children make noises they want to attend the wedding you do everything in your power to 'try' (being the operative word) to facilitate that. Because they're still part of his family and it's a big day

OP posts:
Livelaughlurgy · 02/12/2024 15:39

Could you not just buy them both a dress?

redhelper · 02/12/2024 15:38

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Scirocco · 02/12/2024 15:38

In an abusive situation, the children's safety comes before what the abuser wants. I'd say neither goes if there's a history of abuse, because you'd be putting them in an unsafe situation. Get legal representation and contact arranged through legal channels - even using contact centres if needed.

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:37

Delatron · 02/12/2024 15:35

You know what is best for them. Neither needs to go. I like the suggestion of doing something nice on the day.

Agree

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:37

NoahsTortoise · 02/12/2024 15:34

Could you offer him the choice - knowing he will say no due to the overnights - and then at least he'll feel like he's made his own mind up?

I don't understand why your ex wouldn't allow you to pick your son up in the evening, or for someone else to bring him back to you (presumably there are other family members attending who he knows) but if he won't then there isn't really any other option I suppose.

Offer dad the choice? SEND daughter has refused overnights. But is now upset that sister is getting to pick nice dress etc

OP posts:
thismummydrinksgin · 02/12/2024 15:37

Sounds like Dad doesn't actually want her to go, I'd be tempted to say to dad ok Monday to Thursday it is - fine . You can always back out later and he might just agreed to her just going into the day . Sounds like he is calling your bluff

DevilledEgg · 02/12/2024 15:36

DogInATent · 02/12/2024 15:35

Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.

There is no court order in place. However, due to issues previously we do handovers in a public place.

SEND doesn't stay overnight at dad's as she can't cope with the inflexible, strong rules at dads.

Sorry, I can't get passed all of these issues to see why you'd want to facilitate sending either child to the wedding. Or facilitating any non court ordered contact.

100%

crumblingschools · 02/12/2024 15:36

I would take them somewhere else then on the day of the wedding. What would would happen if NT child gets the wobbles after a few hours/days and wants to come home early, if they go to the wedding?

redhelper · 02/12/2024 15:36

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Delatron · 02/12/2024 15:35

You know what is best for them. Neither needs to go. I like the suggestion of doing something nice on the day.

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:35

Tittat50 · 02/12/2024 15:33

I don't think either should go OP. I'm all for honesty but I'd consider the options @Stormyweatheroutthere suggests. This is going to be an uncomfortable experience for you and the kids. He won't give either of them the time of day as he will be so wrapped up in himself.

Completely agree

OP posts: