Dad refusing to accommodate SEND daughter's needs at wedding

Oops

Which is why neither of them should go

I don’t understand why you’re encouraging any contact, or why you’d want your child with SEND to go and have a miserable day? How will he accommodate your NT child? They’ll still need an adult who’s responsible for them for the day?

I don’t really have any advice but how can men be this awful? To their own actual children? It breaks my heart. I’m sorry @Fabbyfloofloo 💐

Read the thread title. I'll wait.

So, I wonder if your ex's fiancee knows how he's treating his children. And if so, she's still marrying him?

I don't know if I agree with you on this one, OP. Kids will want to do x, y, z or see this person or that, or this movie or that, etc. and we, the responsible parent, make the call on whether it is the right choice, regardless of how much the child wants it. We do it on the daily with small and big things, and I understand this is a big thing, and yet you know how toxic their dad is and how, despite your NT child really wanting to go, it is not the right thing to do to let them go. You'll have to be the bad guy and say no (again, sth we do on the daily with our kids, isn’t it.)

What on earth are you on about?!
The OP has never referred to a son at any point.
She has used a lot of neutral language (child, they) but has also consistently used she/her.
OP clearly has two daughters.

Your son has become a daughter in a very short space of time!

I wouldn’t let either of them attend given you’ve said their dad has a history of abuse and coercive control. I’d be reducing any contact by as much as I could!

But surely when he meted out abuse to them he lost the right to have them as part of his family?
You are their carer and protector now so I would think as the adult you are best placed to keep both safe from him and do something lovely with them both.

Let the NT child go.

Ah, my ex is trying to pull this one on my 16yo ds this year for boxing day. He dropped my dd off yesterday (she goes every sat evening to Sunday) and told him if he didn't come he wouldn't get any presents. He agreed to go, but as soon as ex left told me he didn't want to. I've told him it's up to him, and I'm here on boxing day if he wants to stay, but can't help thinking how the hell did I ever marry someone that resorts to threats to force his child to visit him but doesn't bother to spend time with him if he doesn't 🤮

The guilt and instinct to ‘mend’ or compensate to try and divert the anger lasts a very long time after getting out of a coercive relationship.

OP, I would be frank with your dc and say, “look, you would have to stay 3 nights with dad, JUST you, and sibling nor I can be there. Or, we three could make a plan to do something else that’s nice, and send dad a lovely card on the day. Do you still want to go to the wedding?” And have no guilt. He won’t have any. And if dc have had such little contact this year they may actually prefer not to have 3 nights in one go. When it comes to it- that is a big ask of a 7yo.

I would like to suggest that you call his bluff and say they're both going, planning to pick both up later in the day. However, they're too young to be exposed to his abuse and manipulation and you have no way to control his behaviour when you're not present. You are going to be blamed by him whatever decision you make so just do what's best for the DC.

@AnotherEmma completely agree. It would be like kicking a hornets nest. I have seen some horrendous stories where shared custody was forced despite kids crying and desperate not to go, despite history of DViolence, despite all sorts of horrible things. Handling him as is, is the best way.

I wouldn’t send either of them. Your 7 year old wants to go because she likes the idea of attending a wedding and wearing a pretty dress? It’s likely to be a long day and probably won’t be much fun at all. He’s not had contact with the eldest for a year and barely sees the 7 year old? There’s a history of abuse?
Not a chance I would be sending my kids into that situation how ever much they wanted to go.

I disagree with everyone telling you to get a child arrangements order. That would make no sense. Currently, there is no legal requirement for him to see them, so you just refuse contact if you feel it's not in their best interests (which it clearly isn't!) If it went to court, it would be a costly and stressful process, and there's a risk that he would persuade a CAFCASS officer and a judge that he is a good parent (he's not, he's an abusive piece of shit) and that the judge might allow contact. If that was in a court order you'd be legally required to follow it.

Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.

That tells us all we need to know. Unless they're old enough to decide for themselves neither should go.

But this is on you too... .alw it formal and you have something to go on

@Fabbyfloofloo if you communicate via email that's a good way of telling him. I think if you're nice and just feed his ego as sickening as it is he'll just go away easier.

Nice pleasant language. Make it neutral so saying it just isn't workable at all for both girls so unfortunately the girls won't be able to participate. I've spoken to the girls and they are going to be doing something else that weekend. Really hope you understand. I know you wanted them to be involved but it's impractical with ND's needs.

I'd tell the school if you're worried he could just turn up. Or you just take her then out of school that day and all 3 of you get off on a wknd away then you don't need to worry about that. They'll probably love missing a day of school so another good sell.

If you think there's any chance, you can give school the heads up.
Is the collection in public court ordered?

@Viviennemary the child abuser has refused that.

Your kids will need trauma based therapy. Was the abuse reported or documented anywhere? It cannot be in your kids best interests to be made to have contact with their abuser.

Honestly OP, i think a PP is right, he doesn't want her there :/ The cynic in me also thinks he's invited her (but made it as difficult for her as possible to go) so he can say in the future "I wanted you there but your mum stopped you from going."
Given the background of abusive twattery i think you can assume this is just more twattery. I'd keep them both home tbh