Dad refusing to accommodate SEND daughter's needs at wedding

Probably not within the same thread, though.

I'd find a video on YouTube of a full wedding ceremony. The longest, most boring and unchild friendly one you can find and show it to NT child just 'so she knows what to expect'

Lots of talking to your friends on the phone where DDs can hear about how fucking boring weddings are and how long and how you hate sitting still and silent for so long then having to make drunk conversation with even more boring relatives, how the girls will be the only children there. Also mention that wedding cakes are disgusting fruit cakes so there won't even be any good grub but XH is trying to make it sound fun for them but it won't be.

Then ask if they're SURE they want to go. Or would they rather do xyz fun activity that can only be done on that date.

@maddening I think sometimes when there's not a great deal of contact it's safer to not rock the boat. If he's one of those controlling types, trying to block things or formalise visitation can make it worse. I only know this from all threads I've read and multiple documentaries on TV where the worst abusers force access, they get it and it is all just to upset the ex or show them who is in control.

From all I've seen the kids and mums are not adequately protected by the law right now. ( I'm no expert I appreciate).

I think she's playing the right way in this particular situation she has.

Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.
TIA

Why does he have any contact at all?

Me too.

@IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine I change my child sex and approximate age across threads sometimes ( within a year or 2) because I try not make things too identifiable. I like keeping my user name. Other people might also be doing this sometimes.

I don't think I've ever been so distracted that I forgot the sex of my firstborn child.

Very clearly their dad. OP has given lots of updates.

From your dad or their dad? I'm confused.

Good decision OP :)

Have you had any support to help deal with his abuse? This is one of those situations where it's obvious to anyone with brain outside of the relationship what needed to be done but you will still be so affected by his treatment of you it's impossible to see the obvious stuff.

Have a lovely lovely day with your small ppl & maybe try to find a way to work through theclouded thinking he's left in his wake.

Fwiw...anyone who excludes their own child due to them being ND is a cunt of the highest order.

The number of people suggesting one daughter should go after they've been told the backstory is quite frankly insane. But not at all unusual for MN.

You can report the thread and ask MNHQ to edit the title if you want.

Thank you!! I'm stunned this isn't being brought up more. Add to your list the part where he sent abusive messages to the SEND daughter.

OP - why are you facilitating this at all?

Don't allow this bastard to abuse your children. Keep them away from him. He wan't to divide them, that is so harmful.

Haven't RTFT, but even going by your first post their dad doesn't even deserve them in his life, never mind at his wedding, he sounds an absolute arse. But how sad for your DC, I'm so sorry.

Honestly sounds like he doesn't want her there at all tbh, he sounds a complete arse!

Well if both children want yo ho I'd tell him to accommodate SEN child's needs otherwise, as wedding ceremonies are public events open to all, you will take both children to the ceremony and then leave.
I would also make sure the most gossipy members of the family/friends knew exactly why I was doing this prior to leaving.

I think he's put you in an impossible situation on purpose so that you have to be the bad guy whatever you choose. Of course neither should go. Its just a game/powertrip to him. So protect your children by keeping them away and don't give a toss what other people think. As long as you do what's best for your DC it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks x

I wonder if you could maybe swerve the whole thing?
Possibly book, say, a Premier Inn cheap night?
Write it up on a calendar and count down days. Pack a little suitcase with favourite teddies and story book.
'6 more sleeps until our adventure!'
Or trip to the zoo/experience/beach, pack a picnic with treats.
'Which toy wants to go to the zoo/beach?
Distraction, give them their special day.

I see why he is your ex. You are deserving of much better.
I hope it works out well for you and your dd.

Sounds like there is already a little to sort out without a wrangling over a wedding. I would step back. If the NT child wants to go make it happen. If the send child hasn't seem him in a year and doesn't want to stay over tell them you will do something else nice with them.

You’ve still not really said what accommodations your child would need either or how you envisage it working for them?