Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can you tell if people are being passive aggressive?

37 replies

Errors · 02/12/2024 06:41

Or do I just overthink everything and assume people are having a pop at me when perhaps they’re not?

Long story, but I was texting a friend of mine the other day about a gentleman that had fitted my new bathroom. He had done a fair bit of work for me on my house and when I moved in, he bought me a card and a bottle of alcohol as a home warming present. I thought this was a nice gesture. He then tried to call me the morning after - I missed his call and forget to call him back and he had text me to say he hoped I wasn’t offended by the card and that it was a gesture of thanks for all the work and nothing more. I had absolutely no idea where he got that from and told him of course I wasn’t offended!
Anyway, I sent a screenshot of the convo to
my friend with a ‘😂🤦‍♀️’ emoji. She came back to say poor guy probably worries about offending everyone these days and that was it.

But then twenty mins later, her partner (who I am also friends with although admittedly not as close) text me a meme saying something about bees wouldn’t be able to convince flies that pollen is better than shit. Completely randomly.
I spent all last night worrying that he is saying that I am the piece of shit for some reason. I am overthinking it aren’t I??

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 16:33

FionaSkates · 02/12/2024 12:11

OP poor you! Honestly it must be hell to be in your head with so much worry if you are worrying about this so much! I would have texted back ‘haha’ and gone about my day. He clearly thought it was clever or funny so that’s an appropriate response- I honestly wouldn’t even bother getting him to explain because I don’t care enough. I think I would have done in my 20s but once I hit 40 I just can’t even muster up the energy to care what other people think of me. It takes practice but it’s much easier to make a choice to just not care! Much love xx

Yes I agree - just as I feel that I am learning the trick to being a bit more laid back about these things, something like this hits me.

I didn’t receive a response yet to me asking what it was about.

OP posts:
FionaSkates · 02/12/2024 12:11

OP poor you! Honestly it must be hell to be in your head with so much worry if you are worrying about this so much! I would have texted back ‘haha’ and gone about my day. He clearly thought it was clever or funny so that’s an appropriate response- I honestly wouldn’t even bother getting him to explain because I don’t care enough. I think I would have done in my 20s but once I hit 40 I just can’t even muster up the energy to care what other people think of me. It takes practice but it’s much easier to make a choice to just not care! Much love xx

LigamentBandy · 02/12/2024 12:05

Reply to her husband
"Soz mate I don't get it, can you explain"

Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 12:02

MrsSchnickelfritz · 02/12/2024 10:23

How have her friends not been nice though? If the bloke has sent her this meme quite innocently as part of a discussion about politics, how could he possibly have anticipated it upsetting the op?

This is the thing, you may be right. But it wasn’t a ‘follow on’ from a conversation if that makes sense. We may text a couple of times a week a little back and forth about something. That meme wasn’t off the back of anything we were talking about either.

OP posts:
MrsSchnickelfritz · 02/12/2024 10:23

How have her friends not been nice though? If the bloke has sent her this meme quite innocently as part of a discussion about politics, how could he possibly have anticipated it upsetting the op?

betterangels · 02/12/2024 10:11

Errors · 02/12/2024 07:48

You are completely right and for context, I’m not always like this. I used to be worse but I’ve gotten better. I think I’m tired and stressed as I have just moved house and recently ended a relationship so may be being extra sensitive. I’ve asked him what it means this morning anyway so I will see what he says

Show quote history

Having read this, I hope you feel better soon. That's a lot at once, and if your friends know, they should have been nicer.

betterangels · 02/12/2024 10:09

jollyhollyday · 02/12/2024 07:15

I would read that meme as them saying the workman likes you but you haven't noticed?

Sort of even if you were told
The workman likes you, you wouldn't believe it?

Seems a bit mean meme in that context but maybe I'm wrong here too - I'd ask him to clarify for sure otherwise that'll bug you Grin

This is my reading, too. I would have thought it was fairly clear what the workman was doing tbh.

Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 10:05

2weekwait · 02/12/2024 09:26

Well done for asking! Hopefully he comes back soon and clears it up for you.

I know what you mean I was awful when I was younger and when I’m emotional it’s tends to slip out and I over think but I have to have sturn words with myself!

I like this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you, this makes a lot of sense

OP posts:
2weekwait · 02/12/2024 09:26

Errors · 02/12/2024 07:48

You are completely right and for context, I’m not always like this. I used to be worse but I’ve gotten better. I think I’m tired and stressed as I have just moved house and recently ended a relationship so may be being extra sensitive. I’ve asked him what it means this morning anyway so I will see what he says

Show quote history

Well done for asking! Hopefully he comes back soon and clears it up for you.

I know what you mean I was awful when I was younger and when I’m emotional it’s tends to slip out and I over think but I have to have sturn words with myself!

I like this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 07:53

ChristmasFluff · 02/12/2024 07:52

From how you've said you text eachother about politics, I would imagine the meme is related to a previous text exchange and nothing at all to do with the workman situation.

Thank you. This is what I should assume I guess

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 02/12/2024 07:52

From how you've said you text eachother about politics, I would imagine the meme is related to a previous text exchange and nothing at all to do with the workman situation.

Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 07:48

2weekwait · 02/12/2024 07:47

I wouldn’t even think about this twice. I always find it so odd how much other people think about other people and their actions. How do you get anything done in life? There must be something you are worried about daily with interactions with other people.

if you want to know ask, if you can’t ask then it’s not important enough or the person isn’t important enough.

You are completely right and for context, I’m not always like this. I used to be worse but I’ve gotten better. I think I’m tired and stressed as I have just moved house and recently ended a relationship so may be being extra sensitive. I’ve asked him what it means this morning anyway so I will see what he says

OP posts:
2weekwait · 02/12/2024 07:47

I wouldn’t even think about this twice. I always find it so odd how much other people think about other people and their actions. How do you get anything done in life? There must be something you are worried about daily with interactions with other people.

if you want to know ask, if you can’t ask then it’s not important enough or the person isn’t important enough.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/12/2024 07:42

I would think it’s about politics.

TorroFerney · 02/12/2024 07:41

I think you need to explore why, when he sent that odd meme your first reaction was to think he was having a go/ you’d done something wrong or you were dim not understanding rather than to think what the fuck does that mean and ask him.

now full disclaimer I am in the first camp but my husband is in the second and I’ve realised it’s a much less emotionally fraught way to be!

Agix · 02/12/2024 07:40

I understand the point of the meme and can't at all see how it relates to your situation.

Her partner seems strange.

Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 07:37

SpryCat · 02/12/2024 07:34

I looked it up

Don’t waste your time explaining positive reasoning to negative people.

Maybe he meant that even though you didn’t answer the call from builder he then messaged you to get a reply instead of getting the hint you are not interested?

Edited

Yep that’s what I read when I looked it up. My friend’s partner has form for speaking in riddles though so I didn’t want to assume that’s how he meant it.

OP posts:
SpryCat · 02/12/2024 07:34

I looked it up

Don’t waste your time explaining positive reasoning to negative people.

Maybe he meant that even though you didn’t answer the call from builder he then messaged you to get a reply instead of getting the hint you are not interested?

Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 07:26

GreyCarpet · 02/12/2024 07:20

Tbh, other people seem to have an idea what it means - I haven't got a clue!

I also quite often just ignore ore memes if I don't understand them. They're a really irritating way for people to communicate!

Show quote history

I agree, I wish people would just speak plainly

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 02/12/2024 07:24

Errors · 02/12/2024 07:19

Also, the workman is a sweet old man so I don’t think that there is anything untowards in his gesture

In response to this, I'd say, beware the 'sweet old man' they have dicks and wish to stick them in women just as much as the men who make no secret of that.

Also, "I hope I haven't offended you," is one of the ways in which they try to elicit a response from a woman who hasn't responded favourably to their initial overture because it makes many women want to 'be kind' and feel they haven't upset someone.

I'm not saying there is anything untoward in what he did but don't ever assume good of a 'sweet old man' by virtue of the fact he seems sweet and is old.

GreyCarpet · 02/12/2024 07:20

Errors · 02/12/2024 07:07

I agree I am making life difficult for myself.
Maybe I will try and ask him to explain it

Show quote history

Tbh, other people seem to have an idea what it means - I haven't got a clue!

I also quite often just ignore ore memes if I don't understand them. They're a really irritating way for people to communicate!

Original poster
Errors · 02/12/2024 07:19

Also, the workman is a sweet old man so I don’t think that there is anything untowards in his gesture

OP posts:
jollyhollyday · 02/12/2024 07:15

I would read that meme as them saying the workman likes you but you haven't noticed?

Sort of even if you were told
The workman likes you, you wouldn't believe it?

Seems a bit mean meme in that context but maybe I'm wrong here too - I'd ask him to clarify for sure otherwise that'll bug you Grin

WonderingWanda · 02/12/2024 07:11

Ah, so maybe it is relating to politics then? It sounds like it's not just out of the blue. Seeing it there I don't think the conclusion you've jumped to is correct at all now. __

MrsSchnickelfritz · 02/12/2024 07:10

I had to Google that meme/expression and it doesn't seem to relate to your situation at all. I also don't see how it can mean you're a piece of shit either - that's a wild leap to make.

It seems to be about knowing your worth and not trying to convince 'flies' to like honey, you should focus on 'bees' instead. I don't see how it relates to the bathroom fitter at all.