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AIBU?

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Is this sufficient for 3 kids?

214 replies

Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 01/12/2024 20:57

apologies it’s long.

Posted before got a bit of a wake up call in terms of my budget. id love another child and time is ticking for me age wise, so it’s starting to be now or never. The question is can we afford it. I’d like a bit of impartial help when everything is laid out, because sometimes if feel like yeah, our income is fine (I’ve put it on that min income calculator thing online and we’re a few hundred quid up a week)

Ive worked really hard with DH do a budget, it’s below. We have 2 dc, is a third viable here? This is the here and now too, we have scope to get better jobs in the medium term and bolster our earnings. We have a small 4 bed house right now and a 7 seater car, so the ‘big’ things are already taken care of. Though we’d likely need to upsize in the future.

our gross income is £110k per year base. Bonuses can vary between £10-£15k, last year was a good year and we got £20k but that’s not the norm. 3-5% annual pay rises.

monthly income 6,400 salary + £170 (child benefit)
our living expenses (mortgage, car insurance, life insurance, food, fuel, household bills) £3130. Our mortgage is £1350, I’m confident this will go down when our fix is up though.
child savings £170 (CB)+ £100
£180 credit card (0% not too many more payments this is a mix of some work on the house and a root canal I needed)
£60 mobile phones
£500 childcare (this will reduce to about £350 in the new year)
hobbies- £75 (dance, football and swimming)
£90 car insurance
£100 days out
savings £1000
that leaves us then about £1000 which we then split equally between us and the basically give ourselves a personal allowance of about £100 a week, basically £800 a month for personal stuff. We buy kids clothes from the personal allowance as well as stuff for ourselves, haircuts etc.
which should leave about £150/£200 for us to use a sink fund for any unexpected events, if there’s none then it gets saved.

for another child we’d save the additional child benefit for that child plus an additional £50 a month. Worked out that way in the investment account that they have it could be about £25k at 18, to use for uni/ whatever (it’s the same as what we do currently)

private school isn’t a priority for us, we’ve several grammar schools around us and if that’s not a viable option we live close to one of the best state schools in the area.

we like our holidays but I shop around and I’m confident I can find holidays for 5 for not too much more than we pay now (I’ve checked)

what do we think?

OP posts:
Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 03/12/2024 07:48

RosesAndHellebores · 03/12/2024 07:38

Then your question isn't about whether or not to have a third but about coming to terms with perhaps having just two.

As a pp said, enjoy what you have and see what happens.

I think this may well be it. Life has sort of paused in this place we’re in, not booking hols or anything for next year as, well we don’t know if I’d be pregnant. Maybe that mentality amplifies how in feeling. In addition to this was meant to be our last month ttc

OP posts:
eakjoy · 03/12/2024 07:48

Honestly OP I don't think I'd be trying in your shoes, you sound very like me 8 years ago or so. I think you're on the cusp of coming out of these years and aren't sure whether to embrace that, or extend it. I think it's hormones, impacted by your fertility journey.

I think you have other dreams and aspirations that will be limited with 3 children, you're very lucky to have one of each, financial security, when I look at the 2 worst case scenarios I think from all you've said over these threads, the bottom one is the most likely. You've brought up lifestyle much more than you have anything maternal or about the children.

And I think deep down you know this, which is why you're doing these threads whilst TTC. I think I'd stop TTC until you've got your head in a clearer place, you should jot down how you feel over a month and see whether the fertility impulse comes vs the trepidation, and see if it is hormones.

Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 03/12/2024 07:46

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Yes and no, as I’ve never been on contraception but I get your overarching point.

well, when we started we said til the end of the year ttc, it’s the end of the year now so on my mind is do we carry on. Hence my question around money because we were trying to be if it happens it happens about it.

maybe I’m trying to console myself with, well it didn’t happen but it would’ve been a real stretch financially anyway, something along those lines

OP posts:
amiefam · 03/12/2024 07:39

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RosesAndHellebores · 03/12/2024 07:38

Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 03/12/2024 07:32

A decision on what?

we’re actively ttc just without success at the moment

Then your question isn't about whether or not to have a third but about coming to terms with perhaps having just two.

As a pp said, enjoy what you have and see what happens.

amiefam · 03/12/2024 07:38

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cheddercherry · 03/12/2024 07:38

I think things are easier when they’re little but three older kids is a different ballpark especially when you’re both working in higher pressure jobs. Most of my friends with three+ don’t both work full time.

amiefam · 03/12/2024 07:37

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Nolegusta · 03/12/2024 07:36

I wonder if it's more a slight sadness at knowing you're finished having more babies as opposed to really feeling like you want another? It sounds like you have a good life, decent income, decent quality of life, two happy kids already. Maybe you just want to know you could as opposed to actually wanting to, if that makes sense?

amiefam · 03/12/2024 07:36

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Christmaseason · 03/12/2024 07:35

we’re actively ttc just without success at the moment

So you have already decided you want and can afford another DC.

Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 03/12/2024 07:34

eakjoy · 03/12/2024 07:31

OP do you have one gender? (No judgement, I do so that was factored into my decision making too)

I just can't quite figure out why you're vying for a child with this much apprehension unless it really is just hormones, perhaps because you struggled with fertility it feels odd to "stop" trying?

There is a lot of focus on this thread of what you don't have, I wonder if you've taken the time to step back and look at what you do have, and start to envision, plan for and enjoy the life that is within your control?

No we have one of each

your last point is very on the nose

OP posts:
Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 03/12/2024 07:32

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A decision on what?

we’re actively ttc just without success at the moment

OP posts:
eakjoy · 03/12/2024 07:31

OP do you have one gender? (No judgement, I do so that was factored into my decision making too)

I just can't quite figure out why you're vying for a child with this much apprehension unless it really is just hormones, perhaps because you struggled with fertility it feels odd to "stop" trying?

There is a lot of focus on this thread of what you don't have, I wonder if you've taken the time to step back and look at what you do have, and start to envision, plan for and enjoy the life that is within your control?

Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 03/12/2024 07:30

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Well it wasn’t the spirit in which it was intended as it’s something asked me, and I suppose I don’t really know

OP posts:
eakjoy · 03/12/2024 07:27

The OP is 34/5. That's still young for a third child in my book. I had the first at 35.

It depends on how old hers are now, I had mine early/mid 20s so having a 3rd now in my mid 30s feels way too late, not because of my own body, but the significant gap, for me, personally, it's much simpler and fairer on children to be born relatively close together. I considered my age cut off to be way before 35, for their sake, not mine.

RosesAndHellebores · 03/12/2024 07:16

The OP is 34/5. That's still young for a third child in my book. I had the first at 35. A significant reason we didn't go for number 3, apart from the fear of losing another was because I was 38 when dd was born and having been pregnant almost continuously for 17 months I needed a break of 18 months. Our cut off was 41 and time and my father's cancer diagnosis overtook us.

One thing we couldn't have anticipated was dd's MH problems. She became very depressed aged 15 and we had issues with eating, cutting, overdosing, etc. At the root of it was ADHD undiagnosed until 17 because she was high performing and well behaved. It was a difficult time and a younger child would have suffered from a maternal attention deficit. There was no state help whatsoever. Once diagnosed she made a full recovery but it cost £8k plus BUPA payments of about the same and I don't think she'd have recovered and turned it round without the money to pay for MH care and support.

Go with the flow op and see what happens @Newnamenewnamenewnamenew you have plenty of time although it might not seem that way.

amiefam · 03/12/2024 06:32

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amiefam · 03/12/2024 06:31

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amiefam · 03/12/2024 06:30

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Nolegusta · 03/12/2024 05:36

Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 02/12/2024 12:48

Except it’s not and the poster who I was replying too didn’t interpret it that way

It really is.
It reeks of judgement.
PP responded in a kind way.

Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 02/12/2024 21:58

Dishwashersaurous · 02/12/2024 21:27

Some things in life are a logical, rationale, economic decision.

And some are not.

Third children are not an economically rationale choice in a modern, western democracy today.

They are a heart choice. You have to want a third child, and want them more than anything else.

You've done two threads focusing on the economics of the decision. It seems like you are asking permission not to try and have a third child.

Because quite frankly, if you really, really wanted one, then on your situation you would not be worried about holidays. You would just do it.

Edited

I think this is astute and if really sat with myself, I wonder if it’s self protectionism, an imaginary road block to if it doesn’t work out.

id be advanced maternal age (just turned 35) and we’ve been ttc for 6 months and it’s not happened yet. Perhaps sorting the finances is the one area I can control, and it’s also a ‘well we couldn’t afford it anyway’ if it doesn’t work out.

we had a bumpy fertility road (told we’d need ivf +icsi due to irregular cycles and variable sperm parameters) took about 8/9 months for dc1 and then caught the first egg for dc2. That fear of it not happening doesn’t seem to have left me

OP posts:
eakjoy · 02/12/2024 21:54

Because quite frankly, if you really, really wanted one, then on your situation you would not be worried about holidays. You would just do it.

Yes I think this is true, and you're at risk of doing something you'll regret. I didn't even think about money for our second, I just knew we'd have a second, it was the 3rd when it became a much more 'brain' focussed decision which probably means my heart wasn't in it! (And zero regrets).

Newnamenewnamenewnamenew · 02/12/2024 21:54

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That £5k is the fee paying grammar schools, I’m not sure how they work but I was looking online and came across them.

i used to tutor 11+ English and verbal reasoning about 10 years ago. Think it was about £20/£25 a week but I used to teach a small class not on one one. We’ll definitely be getting tuition. Probably from y4!

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marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 02/12/2024 21:44

No, a third would starve 🙄